•'•' 


C"FA  ' 

/ 
) 


THE  LIBRARY 

OF 

THE  UNIVERSITY 
OF  CALIFORNIA 

LOS  ANGELES 


PK    i 


•is 


THE     OLD     INFANT 

AND 

SIMILAR    STORIES 


BY 
WILL   CARLETON 

AUTHOR   OP 
;  FARM  BALLADS  "    "  CITY   LEGENDS  "    ETC. 


NEW     YORK 
HARPBR    &    BROTHERS    PUBLISHERS 

189(V 


BY  WILL   CARLETON. 


RHYMES  OP   OUR   PLANET.     Illustrated.     Post 
8vo,  Cloth,  Ornamental,  $1  25. 


FARM  BALLADS. 
FARM  LEGENDS. 
FARM  FESTIVALS. 


CITY  BALLADS. 
CITY  LEGENDS. 
CITY  FESTIVALS. 


Six  Volumes,  Square  Svo,  Illustrated.     Ornamental 
Cloth,  $2  00;  Gilt  Edges,  $2  50;  Full  Seal,  $400. 


PUBLISHED   BY   HARPER   &   BROTHERS,  XKW  YORK. 


Copyright,  1896,  by  HARPER  &  BROTHERS. 

All  rightt  reientd. 


CONTENTS 


PAGE 

THE  OLD  INFANT .      3 

THE  VESTAL  VIRGIN 39 

LOST — Two  YOUNG  LADIES 69 

THE  ONE-RING  CIRCUS  . 109 

THE  CHRISTMAS  CAR     .     . .  137 

A  BUSINESS  FLIRTATION «     .  155 

OLDBOTTLE'S  BURGLARS  .  199 


17821 58 


THE  OLD   INFANT 


THE  OLD  INFANT 


SCHOOL  DISTRICT  No.  5,  town  of  Dover, 
county  of  Livingston,  was  brimful  of  snow 
to  -  day,  and  the  little  wooden  temple  of 
learning  in  its  centre,  crouching  and  trem 
bling  upon  old,  unreliable  timbers,  was  sur 
rounded  by  scores  of  drifts,  as  white  as 
bleached  muslin  and  colder  than  shrouds. 
The  wind  was  never  satisfied  with  them, 
and,  using  a  diligence  not  learned  from  the 
school  within,  constantly  added  to  or  sub 
tracted  from  their  quantity.  The  young 
lady  with  classical  face  and  large  brown 
eyes  who  conducted  this  elementary  uni 
versity  wondered  where  Paul  was  to-day, 
wished  she  were  rich,  thought  of  a  thousand 
fairy  stories  she  would  make  come  true  in 


4  THE   OLD    INFANT 

that  inconceivable  case,  and  asked  little 
George  "W.  Taylor  to  sacrifice  another  stick 
of  wood  to  the  interior  of  the  stove. 

"It's  agoin'  to  be  one  o'  these  new- 
fashioned  blizzards,  Dad  says,"  whispered 
the  little  boy,  mysteriously,  some  fire  from 
the  open  stove -door  blazing  harmlessly  in 
his  red  hair.  "  He's  a-comin'  arter  us,  with 
the  bosses  an'  sleigh,  at  four  o'clock."  And 
the  pale -blue  eyes  shouted  the  words  that 
the  lips  were  refused,  to  the  effect  that  a 
ride  homeward  toward  supper,  through  the 
snow,  was  better  than  any  amount  of  edu 
cation.  Miss  Bertha  Edwards  reflected  dole 
fully  on  the  weeds  in  this  young  barbarian's 
pronunciation,  and  the  wild  look  in  his 
eyes,  and  wondered  if  they  would  ever 
be  replaced  by  the  straight  hedge -rows 
of  correct  English  and  steady  looks.  She 
couldn't  help  recalling  what  good  English 
Paul  used. 

11  C'n  I  speak  ?"  inconsistently  spoke  out  a 
large,  raw-boned  girl,  who  meant  by  this  to 
ask  if  she  might  whisper  to  some  one  near 
her. 


THE    OLD    INFANT  5 

"  Yes,  if  it  is  necessary,"  wearily  replied 
the  young  teacher. 

The  girl  decided  that  it  was  necessary, 
and  immediately  began  gossiping  about  the 
weather — wondering  if  it  would  break  up  a 
projected  neighborhood  dance — in  a  series  of 
loud  hisses. 

"C'n  I  leave  m'  seat?"  whined  a  small, 
portly  boy,  first  snapping  his  dirty  finger  to 
procure  recognition. 

"If  it  is  necessary,"  crisply  replied  the 
girl-teacher. 

"C'n  I  get  a  drink?"  inquired  a  thin, 
withered-looking  lad. 

"  If  you  need  it,"  answered  the  young 
lady,  still  more  shortly.  The  withered  young 
desert  of  a  boy  needed  it,  and  began  to  irri 
gate  himself  slowly  but  thoroughly. 

"Can  I  g'  out?"  chirped  a  small,  cross 
eyed  child  in  the  corner. 

"No,  no,  no!"  exclaimed  the  young  girl, 
stamping  her  voice  down  with  an  emphasis 
that  the  scholars  all  understood  perfectly, 
though  it  was  accompanied  with  a  smile. 
"  The  epidemic  of  wanting  to  do  useless 


6  THE    OLD    INFANT 

things  may  as  well  be  cured  this  minute. 
Scholars,  let  us  throw  ourselves  into  our  stud 
ies!"  (Miss  Edwards  used  the  first  instead 
of  the  third  person,  because  she  was  a  student 
herself,  and  loved  to  lead  her  scholars  rather 
than  to  drive  them.) 

There  was  a  forward-march  magnetism  in 
this  maiden  teacher's  manner  sometimes,  and 
her  smile  could  resemble  that  of  a  row  of 
bright  steel  blades.  The  scholars  now  sway 
ed  to  their  books  with  considerable  interest ; 
and  the  intellectual  status  of  the  school  was 
certainly  somewhat  advanced  during  the  next 
five  minutes.  The  pale  tempest  without 
kept  rising  higher  and  higher. 

"  Teacher,  ther's  some  one  a  -  knockin'  at 
the  door,"  cooed  a  bright -eyed  little  girl 
at  last  from  the  midst  of  the  study-hush ; 
and  in  response  to  a  courteous  opening  en 
tered  a  few  hundred  snow-flakes  and  a 
strange,  rough  -  looking  old  man  of  sixty, 
whose  hair  and  beard  were  drifts  in  them 
selves.  He  looked  at  this  youthful  teacher 
with  keen,  utterly  uncovered  curiosity  and 
surprise. 


THE   OLD   INFANT 


"Be  you  re'lly  the  school -mom?"  he  at 
length  asked,  in  a  half-dazed  tone. 

"  I  am  the  teacher  of  this  school,"  replied 
Miss  Edwards,  with  a  gentle  but  rather  com 
pact  dignity,  which  loomed  gracefully  up  and 
cast  something  like  the  shadow  of  reproof. 
"  Will  you  be  seated,  sir  ?" 

The  old  man  still  stood  by  the  large  stove, 
resting  a  hairy,  work-worn  hand  upon  one 
of  the  desks  near  by.  "  An'  you  know  the 
flumididdles  that's  in  all  these  'ere  books,  an' 
can  1'arn  'em  to  other  folks  ?" 

The  question,  with  all  its  crudeness,  was 
so  clean-mannered  and  respectfully  put  that 
the  young  lady  smiled,  almost  cordially. 
Something  seemed  to  compel  her  to  like  this 
uncouth  veteran  in  the  world's  never-ending 
series  of  campaigns ;  at  least,  to  approve  of 
the  real  quality  of  thought  and  feeling  that 
she  felt  was  within  him.  The  answering 
smile  that  his  white  beard  and  mustache 
had  held  in  hiding  crept  out  through  a  pair 
of  sharp  gray  eyes. 

"  "What  I've  come  in  for  is  just  this  'ere," 
he  .resumed,  in  a  low  voice,  though  loud 


8  THE    OLD    INFANT 

enough  for  the  curious  children  all  to  hear 
him.  "When  I  was  a  little  chap,  o'  the 
age  o'  these  'uns,  it  wa'n't  fash'nable,  you 
see,  for  poor  folks'  chil'ren  to  go  to  school. 
There  was  thirteen  of  us  brought  up,  or  sort 
o'  yanked  up,  in  one  little  log  enclosure,  with 
a  leaky  roof,  four  windows,  an'  a  sraokin' 
fireplace.  "When  it  come  to  gettin'  on  in  life, 
we  all  had  to  jump  out  o'  the  wagon  an' 
help  push  'most  as  soon  as  we  considered 
ourselves  able  to  run  alone.  The  nearest 
school  was  five  miles  through  the  woods. 
Two  or  three  out  of  us  managed  to  run  over 
a  few  times,  an'  grab  up  enough  alferbet  to 
1'arn  how  to  read ;  one  on  us  kep'  studyin'  at 
home  from  that,  an'  got  so  full  of  eddication 
he  couldn't  hold  much  else  —  wa'n't  worth 
a  darn  to  do  anything,  where  the  directions 
hadn't  been  already  printed  down.  He's 
independently  poor  now,  an'  runs  a  small 
but  desirable  insurance  business.  So  fur  as  I 
was  concerned,  I  missed  my  chance ;  I  never 
even  went  arter  the  alferbet,  an'  didn't  hev  it 
brought  to  me ;  so  here  I  am,  workin'  along 
torge  the  end  o'  life,  an'  liable  to  go  into 


THE    OLD    INFANT  9 

the  nex'  world  at  any  time,  without  any 
book  1'arnin'  to  recommend  me. 

"You  see,  besides,  school -mom,  it  ain't 
pleasant  to  feel  that  you  went  through  yer 
pilgrimage,  an'  left  that  out ;  an'  I  want  my 
eddication  now,  even  though  some'at  late 
in  the  day.  I'm  agoin'  to  board  at  Shubal 
Turner's  the  rest  of  the  winter,  an'  come  to 
school,  if  you  will  let  me.  It's  a  queer  an' 
sort  o'  unknown  thing  fur  to  do ;  but  I  can't 
see  any  other  way.  I  want  to  begin  at  the 
foot-hills,  work  up  the  gulch  a  little  at  a  time, 
an'  gather  all  there  is  in  it  as  fur  as  I  go. 
I  b'lieve  you  can  put  me  over  the  ground,  ef 
the  right  flash  in  anybody's  eye  is  a  sign  of 
caperbility.  An'  now,  what  do  yer  say  to  an 
old  man  as  wants  to  give  his  brains  a  chance 
to  begin  life  over  ag'in  ?" 

Poor  Bertha  hardly  knew  what  to  say  ; 
she  was  acquainted  with  several  proverbs 
that  stood  dead  against  him,  and  hardly 
liked  to  quote  them  aloud.  There  was  that 
one  about  the  twig  being  bent  and  the  tree 
inclined  ;  that  one  which  says,  "The  boy  is 
father  to  the  man";  the  German  one  which 


10  THE    OLD   INFANT 

declares  that  "  "What  young  John  doesn't 
learn  old  John  never  does";  also  two  or 
three  others,  equally  discouraging  to  elderly 
people  with  neglected  educations  wishing  to 
be  put  through  the  hot-house  process.  She 
tried  hard  to  keep  her  eyes  from  telling  the 
old  man  these  doubts. 

"  I  know  just  what  you're  a-sayin'  to  yer- 
self  inside,"  urged  the  old  man,  unconscious 
ly  proceeding  to  meet  proverb  with  prov 
erb  ;  "  but  you  must  remember  '  Better  late 
than  never,'  'Perseverance  can't  al'ays  be 
ke'p  on  the  back  seat,'  an'  '  There's  sweet 
meat  under  woolly  sheep  -  skins.'  Besides, 
you  see,  school-mom,  I  never  hed  the  sensa 
tion." 

"  The  what  ?"  inquired  Miss  Edwards, 
smiling  more  and  more. 

"The  sensation,  school-mom,  of  settin'  in 
the  school-house  hour  arter  hour  an'  day  arter 
day,  an'  lookin'  at  the  other  boys  an'  gals,  an' 
seem'  on  'em  read  an'  write  an'  spell,  an' 
wishin'  Saturday  would  come,  an'  cuttin'  up 
with  'em,  an'  bein'  told  to  'tend  to  my  les 
sons,  an'  goin'  out  at  recess,  an'  playin'  with 


THE    OLD    INFANT  11 

the  rest  of  the  scholars,  an'  then  '  Come, 
come  away,  the  school-bell  now  is  ringm',' 
an'  a-doin'  ginerally  jest  what  I  wish  I 
could  ha'  done  when  I  was  a  boy.  I  don't 
expect,  school-mom,  that  I'll  Varn  so  awful 
very  much,  but  I'd  like  to  know  how 
to  string  letters  together  enough  to  hold 
a  newspaper  right  side  up  an'  git  a-hold 
of  what  new  lies  it's  a-tellin'  of.  An'  I'd 
be  glad  to  find  out,  school -mom,  how  to 
write  my  name.  But  the  biggest  thing  is, 
I  want  to  be  a  school-boy — jest  once  in  my 
life." 

"  How  many  people  there  are,"  thought 
the  young  teacher,  "  who  would  like  to  be 
school-boys  again'  but  this  poor  old  man 
just  wants  it  for  once — wants  something  he 
has  no  memory  of — something  that  he  has 
always  yearned  for."  She  pitied  him,  and 
determined  to  do  everything  possible  in  the 
matter. 

The  list  of  acquirements  mentioned  seem 
ed  at  least  within  the  boundaries  of  possi 
bility  ;  and  the  exceedingly  old  child  was 
told  to  come  next  morning,  and  take  his 


12  THE   OLD   INFANT 

first  lessons  in  the  course  which  he  wished 
to  begin  so  late  in  the  earthly  existence. 

His  delight  bordered  too  nearly  on  pathos 
to  provoke  even  a  smile  from  the  deep- 
hearted  school-teacher.  There  were  almost 
tears  in  her  eyes  when  she  bade  him  good 
night,  after  dismissing  the  genuine  children, 
and  then  saw  the  white  -  haired  man  and 
would-be  youth  wade  off  through  the  snow. 


II 


The  next  morning,  amid  starings  from  all 
the  scholars,  and  hard-to-be-repressed  titter 
ings  from  the  playful  ones,  the  Old  Infant, 
as  he  was  immediately  named  by  some  of 
the  more  advanced  young  ladies,  took  a  nar 
row,  hard  seat  at  one  of  the  larger  desks, 
and  began  his  studies.  They  were  not  very 
extensive  ;  consisting  mainly  at  first  in  the 
investigating  and  contemplating  of  that 
grand  substructure  of  nineteenth  -  century 
lore — the  Roman  alphabet.  The  examina 
tion  sustained  in  order  to  determine  the  class 


THE   OLD   INFANT  13 

into  which  he  should  go  was  very  brief.  He 
freely  and  frankly  admitted  that  Ignorance 
was  incarnated  and  intensified  in  his  person. 
"  Of  course,  I  don't  know  nothin'  of  any 
account,"  was  the  way  he  put  it.  "  If  any 
body  knowed  everything,  what  would  they 
want  ter  come  to  school  fur?  I'm  agoin' 
to  commence  right  down  to  the  bed-rock, 
school-mom.  I  mean  to  stake  out  nly  claim 
to  the  alferbet  this  very  mornin'.  Sling  out 
yer  alferbet ;  produce  yer  a's,  b's,  d's,  an'  c's, 
an'  look  at  me  stick  my  brain-shovels  inter 
'em  !" 

The  "  slinging  out  of  the  alferbet "  was 
upon  the  whole  a  rather  trying  task  to  the 
young  lady.  She  found  that  this  roughly 
crystallized  old  nature  was  not  inclined  to 
accept  everything  told  him  as  irrefragably 
true,  like  the  callow,  super-impressible  minds 
of  those  in  their  first  infancy.  The  old 
gentleman's  childishness  proved  to  be  of  a 
metallic  variety.  For  instance,  he  would 
look  at  her  suspiciously  when  the  names  of 
the  letters  were  announced,  and  ask  her 
several  times  if  that  was  true,  now,  an'  if 


14  THE   OLD    INFANT 

there  wasn't  no  under-claim  on  it.  "  You 
wouldn't  gull  an  old  man,  would  ye?"  he 
would  say,  earnestly,  laying  his  rough,  hahy, 
weather-beaten,  grizzly-bear-like  paw  upon 
her  white,  lady-shaped  hand.  "  If  this  yer  is 
'b,'"  he  would  exclaim,  pointing  to  the  capital 
letter  of  that  denomination,  and  then  refer 
ring  to  the  small  one  of  the  same  cognomen, 
"  what  is  this  little  snide  of  a  feller  a-doin', 
a  prospectin'  under  the  same  name,  with  one 
of  its  ears  clipped  off  ?  Did  this  big  feller 
you  call  B  hev  a  son  nat'ral  or  did  he  adopt 
him,  or  did  it  take  his  name  without  p'rmis- 
sion  ?"  He  particularly  hated  the  small  let 
ter  'g,'  and  evidently  considered  it  a  pure 
impostor.  "  Little,  shrivelled-up  thing !"  he 
would  say,  leering  at  it  through  his  steel- 
bowed  spectacles.  "  Looks  like  a  couple  o'  bad 
eggs  with  a  wart  on  one  of  'em !"  The  small 
"  p  "  and  "  q  "  also  concerned  him.  "  "What 
does  '  p '  git  to  be  '  q '  fur  the  minute  it 
turns  its  nose  the  other  way?"  he  would  ask. 
And  so  on  throughout  the  whole  alphabet ; 
he  was  constantly  making  criticisms  that 
might  have  excited  furious  resentment  in  the 


THE    OLD    INFANT  15 

minds  of  the  inventors  and  developers  of  the 
same. 

These  criticisms  were  funny  at  first,  and 
caused  Miss  Edwards  considerable  solitary 
amusement;  but  they  took  time,  and  too 
much  of  the  attention  of  the  scholars,  to 
make  them  finally  desirable  or  even  safe  to 
be  allowed.  One  day  the  old  gentleman 
was  particularly  fastidious  concerning  the 
architecture  of  some  printed  character,  and 
the  teacher  was  obliged  to  tell  him  that  he 
was  there  not  to  criticise  the  letters  but  to 
learn  them. 

"Right  ag'in,  teacher,"  he  replied,  just 
the  least  bit  of  a  hurt  look  in  his  eyes.  "  I 
was  agoin'  outside  o'  my  claim.  Trounce 
me  ef  I  don't  do  the  right  thing."  And 
from  that  moment  the  permanency  and  in 
violability  of  the  Roman  alphabet  were  re 
established,  and  the  Old  Infant  accepted  ev 
ery  letter  as  if  it  were  from  the  law  of  the 
Medes  and  Persians. 

He  began  after  a  little  time  to  read  words, 
having  first  learned  the  letters;  for  John 
Russell  Webb's  invention  of  the  Word  Meth- 


16  THE   OLD   INFANT 

od  had  not  at  that  time  swept  over  the  coun 
try.  He  was  after  a  while  able  to  participate 
in  the  mildly  interesting  fact  that  the  cat 
would  in  all  probability  catch  the  rat ;  that 
a  large  boy  had  a  small  black  coat ;  that  the 
girl  could  eat  the  ripe  pear  with  her  sharp 
teeth ;  and  in  other  matters  of  juvenile  gos 
sip,  which,  while  received  with  gratitude, 
were  rather  disappointing,  on  the  whole. 

"  Why  can't  ye  put  me  onto  somethin' 
about  the  old  times  in  '49  an'  arter,"  he 
used  to  say,  "  when  we  used  to  fight  griz 
zlies  an'  snow-drifts  an'  famine  an'  aarth- 
quakes  an'  robbers,  an'  almost  everything 
else  anybody  could  take  a  hankerin'  ag'inst  ? 
Why  can't  we  read  some  grown-up  stuff, 
school-mom  ?" 

It  was  hard  to  make  him  understand  the 
impossibility  of  immediately  scaling  the 
heights  of  literature  with  the  alpenstock 
of  this  newly  acquired  alphabet ;  but  at  last 
he  reluctantly  realized  the  situation,  and  con 
sented  to  toil  along  slowly  toward  the  far- 
off  mountain-top. 

The  attitude  of  his  fellow  -  pupils  was  at 


THE   OLD   INFANT  17 

first  one  of  amusement,  and  in  some  cases 
of  derision,  toward  this  queer  old  man  who 
had  come  among  them  so  queerly;  but  as 
soon  as  the  novelty  wore  off  they  settled 
down  to  a  quiet,  every-day  contemplation  of 
him.  Besides,  it  came  to  be  the  fashion  to 
like  him.  He  was  so  patient  with  every 
body,  so  loving,  even ;  joined  them  so  heart 
ily  and  skilfully  in  all  their  games  and 
romps ;  so  fraternized  with  the  boys,  and 
was  so  fatherly  toward  the  girls,  that  he 
was  soon  voted  a  hale  old  fellow  well  met  in 
that  quiet  election  which  always  takes  place 
in  every  crowd  concerning  a  new-comer.  He 

*j  O 

gradually  became  renowned  as  a  repairer  of 
rough  country  toys ;  he  could  carry  small 
children  through  the  drifts,  and  snowball 
amiably  with  larger  ones ;  he  was  useful, 
if  not  particularly  ornamental,  nearly  every 
where,  and  finally  became  the  most  popular 
"  boy  "  in  school. 

The  Old  Infant's  delight  at  listening  to 
the  recitations  was  funny  and  pathetic.  He 
soon  joined  the  class  in  mental  arithmetic, 
and  gave  the  scholars  a  genuine  surprise 


18  THE   OLD   INFANT 

with  the  fact  that  he  could  "  reckon  in  his 
head"  better  than  all  of  them  put  together 
when  it  came  to  dollars  and  cents;  he  re 
membered  many  of  the  places  on  the  maps, 
and  became  a  great  "  traveller  by  p'inter," 
as  he  called  himself ;  but  grammar  he  would 
have  nothing  of,  and  soon  withdrew  his  at 
tention  entirely  from  the  subject.  "  I  can't 
see  why  you.  want  to  call  one  word  by  any 
longer  name  than  another,"  he  grumbled, 
good-naturedly.  "What's  the  use  o'  stand- 
in'  of  'em  off  into  different  companies,  as  if 
they  wasn't  all  free  an'  equal,  same  as  men 
ort  to  be?  I  don't  see  nohow  but  what 
I  kin  speak  proper  enough  fur  all  practi 
cal  purposes  without  no  grammar  in  mine. 
I  don't  think,  school -mom,  I'll  take  that 
'ere  study  up."  And,  feeling  more  mirth 
than  her  whole  internal  nature  knew  what 
to  do  with,  the  young  teacher  consented  to 
let  him  pursue  his  studies  on  the  elective 
system. 

The  Infant's  first  efforts  in  penmanship 
furnished  the  school  with  material  for  many 
thrilling  tales  of  accident  and  adventure. 


THE   OLD    INFANT  19 

He  smashed  dozens  of  steel  pens,  in  trying 
to  get  the  right  dynamics  upon  them,  with 
a  rapidity  that  would  have  caused  thrifty 
Joseph  Gillott  to  rub  his  hands  in  pleasure ; 
while  tracing  the  letters  with  the  pen  he 
made  similar  motions  in  the  air  with  his 
tongue ;  he  precipitated  small  freshets  of  ink 
in  the  vicinity  of  his  desk,  until  the  immedi 
ate  environment  was  dressed  in  a  full  suit  of 
mourning.  He  finally  learned  to  write  his 
name  in  quaint  fragments,  and  a  few  other 
words ;  but  it  was  evident  that  he  was  never 
to  become  an  accomplished  pen  artist. 

"Ye  see,  school -mom,"  he  would  say,  at 
the  conclusion  of  some  particularly  startling 
chirographic  disaster,  "  I  didn't  git  arter  this 
ink-talkin'  quite  soon  enough.  It's  a  kind 
o'  trade  in  itself ;  an'  any  one  can't  pick  up 
so  very  many  of  them  avercations  in  a  life 
time  unless  he  begins  mighty  young." 

During  recess  and  noons  the  two  had  oc 
casionally  some  very  lively  discussions  on  the 
value  or  worthlessness  of  education.  To  her 
surprise  the  young  lady  found  that  the  old 
man,  at  one  time  and  another,  had  gathered 


20  THE    OLD    INFANT 

up  quite  a  good  many  arguments  against 
systematic  culture. 

"Eddication  gives  yer  nat'ral  rascal  a 
p'int,  an  edge,  an'  a  handle,"  he  said,  one 
day.  "It  1'arns  a  forger  how  to  write  a 
name  so's  the  man  as  owns  it  can't  swear 
but  what  he  done  it  himself ;  it  helps  a  thief 
to  sneak  his  way  into  society,  an'  steal  'em 
blind  —  as  ef  they  wasn't  blind  enough  al 
ready  ;  it  shows  a  liar  how  to  twist  words 
'round  an'  cover  himself  all  over  with  truth- 
skin  ;  it  makes  good,  honest,  laborin'  fellers 
feel  all  at  once  as  ef  their  heads  was  too 
big  to  let  'em  toil  with  their  han's ;  it's  tak 
en  many  a  hard-workin'  chap  an'  made  him 
so  lazy  he  wasn't  never  fit  for  nothin'  arter- 
wards." 

"  You  have  forgotten  the  good  that  ed 
ucation  has  done,"  remonstrated  Bertha. 
"You  do  not  consider  the  sermons  it  has 
preached,  the  wounds  it  has  healed,  the  dis 
coveries  it  has  made,  the  sick  it  has  cured, 
the  good  it  has  done  everywhere." 

And  then  the  old  gentleman  would  sit 
back  and  look  at  her  in  perfect  admiration. 


THE   OLD   INFANT  21 

"  Yes,  you  kin  block  me  out  in  a  holy  sec- 
ond,  school  -  mom,"  he  would  say.  "But 
arguin'  in  that  sort  o'  way  is  a  sand-blower 
that  eddicated  folks  has  invented  to  blind 
our  eyes,  an'  make  things  seem  different 
from  what  they  really  be.  Still,  /  don't 
think  that  I  shall  ever  git  enough  eddica- 
tion  to  hurt  me — an'  you  wouldn't  be  afraid 
of  it  either,  if  you  was  in  my  place,  would 
ye,  now,  teacher?"  And  then  the  two  would 
laugh  a  duet,  like  comrades  of  a  lifetime. 

But  the  Infant  made  considerable  prog 
ress,  of  one  kind  and  another ;  and  he  cer 
tainly  learned  one  lesson  that  few  of  Miss 
Edwards's  pupils  missed,  and  that  was  to 
love  his  teacher.  He  asked  her  to  stay  and 
talk  to  him  a  few  minutes  one  evening,  not 
many  weeks  before  the  close  of  the  term. 
He  was  not  long  in  satisfying  her  curiosity 
as  to  the  nature  of  the  interview. 

"  School  -  mom,"  he  said,  looking  toward 
a  nail  in  the  floor,  modestly,  but  determined 
ly.  "  I  ain't  quite  so  young  as  you  be,  but 
I've  got  a  consider' ble  life  in  me  yet.  They 
ain't  very  many  o'  these  young  fellers  in  the 


22  THE   OLD    INFANT 

school  that  would  like  to  take  a  back  holt 
with  me  this  evenin'.  I'm  good  for  quite  a 
lot  o'  years,  if  nothin'  happens  too  sudden, 
an'  I  believe  I  cud  make  you  a  good  hus- 
ban',  if  you'd  jest  take  the  trouble  to  say 
yes." 

The  poor  old  fellow  had  thrown  himself 
on  his  knees,  to  Miss  Edwards's  half -pity, 
half-dismay.  How  could  he  so  have  misun 
derstood  her  kindness  ?  How  could  he  have 
the  heart  to  take  advantage  of  it  ?  She  had 
a  mind  to  rush  away  without  a  word,  and 
never  speak  to  him  again;  but  an  accidental 
look  into  his  good-natured,  shrewdly  simple 
old  face,  half  amused  and  half  placated  her. 
To  be  diverted  by  one  whom  we  at  first  dis 
like  very  often  opens  the  door  of  our  sympa 
thies.  It  was  so  with  this  good-hearted  girl. 
She  took  the  man's  old,  withered,  scarred-up 
hand  in  her  white  palm,  and  said,  kindly : 
"  You  must  excuse  me ;  for  I — I — am — en 
gaged." 

"But  s'posin'  you  wasn't  engaged,"  per 
sisted  the  old  man,  with  a  little  desperate 
twang  to  his  words.  "  S'posin'  you  never 


THE   OLD    INFANT  23 

hadn't  be'en  in  love  with  no  one ;  would  you 
hev  hed  me  then  ?" 

"  "Well,  you  know,  our  ages  are  too  far 
apart,"  began  the  girl,  withdrawing  the  hand 
suddenly. 

"But  s'posin'  they  hedn't  been,"  persisted 
the  old  man.  "  S'posin',  fur  instance,  I  was 
as  young  as  you  be,  or  you  wuz  old,  like 
me  —  do  you  think,  school  -  mom,  that  in 
that  case  wre'd  hev  been  able  to  strike  up 
a  match?" 

"I  —  I  don't  think  our  aims  in  life  are 
sufficiently  similar,"  faltered  the  poor  girl. 
"Not  near  enough  together  to  allow  us  to 
agree." 

"  Still,  s'posin'  that  they  wuz"  persisted 
the  old  man ;  "  s'posin'  we  wuz  both  in  the 
same  business — both  right  at  it  together — 
don't  you  think  we  could  make  a  go  of  it 
then?" 

"I — don't — don't — think — we  ever  could 
be  congenial,"  stumbled  the  young  lady. 
She  would  never  desert  her  true-love,  even 
hypothetically ! 

"  But  s'posin' — "  began  the  old  man. 


24  THE   OLD   INFANT 

"  I  tell  you,  I  never  would  have  married 
you  on  any  account!"  almost  shouted  the 
girl,  rising,  and  stamping  her  foot  on  the 
clean  school-room,  floor.  "  And  if  you  ever 
say  anything  more  to  me  about  it  I'll  not 
speak  to  you  again,  and  I'll — I'll — turn  yon- 
out  of  school  /" 

To  her  surprise  the  old  gentleman  looked 
delighted.  He  rose  from  his  knees  and 
gazed  at  her  admiringly. 

"  You're  a  nice,  honest  girl,"  he  exclaimed, 
"  an'  I  respect  you  more  than  ever.  Ef  you'd 
ha'  tried  to  beat  about  the  bush  I  shouldn't 
ha'  held  you  half  as  high.  But  this  is  good, 
straightforward,  thunder-an'-lightnin'  talk, 
an'  I  honor  it.  An'  you've  give  me  another 
new  sensation,  school-mom  —  one  that  I've 
be'en  wantin'  ever  since  I  got  to  be  a  man." 

"  A  new  sensation  ?"  inquired  the  teacher, 
who  was  beginning  to  feel  freer  and  safer 
with  him  again. 

"The  sensation  of  proposin'  to  a  gal  in 
reg'lar  style,  an'  o'  bein'  accepted  or  rejected 
the  same  as  any  one,  on  my  own  merits,"  re 
plied  the  old  man,  cheerfully  and  enthusias- 


THE    OLD    INFANT  25 

tically.  "I'm  refused,  straight  an'  square, 
without  any  if's  or  an's  about  it;  an'  that's 
the  second  best  thing  to  bein'  accepted ;  an' 
it's  consid'ble  of  a  circumstance  in  the  life 
of  an  old  bachelor  that  never  had  the  pluck 
to  propose  to  a  gal  before.  Now,  I  s'pose, 
the  next  thing  in  order  is  fur  you  to  tell  me 
that  you'll  be  my  sister,  ain't  it  ?'' 

"  Your  granddaughter,  you  mean,"  replied 
the  girl,  with  the  shadow  of  a  touch  of  good- 
natured  malice.  She  had  not  quite  forgiven 
him  for  proposing  to  her. 

"  Granddaughter  it  is !"  replied  the  old 
man,  "  an'  if  I  don't  make  one  of  the  best 
ancestors  in  your  hull  pedigree,  then  I'll  go 
out  o'  the  patriarch  business  entirely,  an'  I'm 
nothin'  only  a  tenderfoot  at  it,  either.  You've 
been  straightfo'ward  an'  kind  to  me,  my  girl 
— a  newish  sort  o'  kind — an'  it  ain't  a  part  o' 
this  old  man's  intention  to  forgit  anything 
that's  happened  to  him  in  the  right  shape." 

He  said  this  with  as  pompous  an  air  as  if 
he  were  the  owner  of  sundry  millions  instead 
of  a  poor,  half-ragged  old  creature,  the  ter 
minus  of  whose  life  could  not  be  far  away. 


26  THE   OLD    INFANT 

It  was  not  long  before  he  demonstrated 
that  he  needed  help  rather  than  possessed 
the  power  of  bestowing  it.  He  was  absent 
from  school  one — two — three  days,  and  sent 
for  the  young  teacher. 

She  found  him  in  bed,  in  a  dreary  room  at 
Shubal  Turner's,  and  very  sick,  with  what 
would  nowadays  be  called  the  pneumonia. 

"  You  wasn't  agoin'  to  let  the  old  man  die 
all  alone,  not  on  no  account,  was  you,  now, 
school-mom?"  he  murmured,  feebly.  "You 
hev  been  the  head  boss  of  the  best  Home  for 
Aged  People  I  ever  struck,  little  gal.  Jest 
as  if  any  one  was  tryin'  to  travel  arter  night 
overtook  'em,  on  a  bad  road  through  the 
mountains,  an'  he  hed  a  great  temptation  to 
lay  right  down  an'  leave  gittin'  along  to  take 
keer  of  itself  ;  then,  you  see,  s'posin'  he  come 
to  a  pleasant  little  cottage,  where  there  was 
a  light,  an'  he  crep'  up  an'  peeked  through 
the  window,  an'  seed  everythin'  cozy  an' 
comfortable,  an'  a  blessed  angel  in  there, 
a-comin'  to  the  door  to  let  him  in,  as  if  she 
was  a-expectin'  of  him — " 

"Now,    that    will   do,"    interrupted    the 


THE    OLD   INFANT  27 

young  lady,  laughing,  and  taking  one  of  his 
hands  in  both  hers ;  "  or,  rather,  it  wont  do. 
You  must  not  think  too  much  about  angels, 
especially  in  connection  with  me.  I'm  un- 
mitigatedly  human,  am  no  seraph,  and  feel 
afraid  sometimes  that  I  never  will  be  one." 

"  You're  a  hundred  times  as  much  of  an 
angel  as  I  be  of  a  scholar,"  groaned  the  old 
man,  and  turned  wearily  toward  the  wall. 

Then  he  seemed  to  doze  for  a  little  while, 
but  soon  awoke,  pressed  the  white  hands 
that  still  lay  in  his  weak  grasp,  and  said : 

"  How's  things  up  to  the  school  ?  Is  the 
alferbet  all  right,  yet?  Does  the  Avery 
yo'ng  uns  hev  as  much  trouble  as  ever  a-do- 
in'  sums  in  their  heads?  An'  how's  Gerty 
Tompkins,  the  little  gal  that  used  to  help 
me  assay  them  long  words  ?  My  !  but  that 
'ere  word  '  thought '  was  an  unmerciful  hard 
one,  school-mom,  wasn't  it?  T  —  h — u — 
o — g — t — h —  thought!"  he  said,  in  a  tone 
as  if  his  spelling  were  a  perfect  triumph  of 
correctness. 

"An*  then  there  was  'through' — a  good 
deal  like  the  other ;  I  couldn't  hardly  ever 


28  THE    OLD    INFANT 

tell  them  two  words  apart.  T — h — r — u — 
o — g — h — through.  I  declare,  school-mom, 
I  picked  up  a  lot  while  I  was  in  your  1'arnin' 
camp.  By  George!  it  seems  sometimes  as 
if  my  ol'  head  would  bust  a-tryin'  fur  to  hold 
it  all." 

"  You  must  go  to  sleep  now,"  interrupted 
the  young  teacher,  with  tears  in  her  voice. 

"  Yes,  I  know,"  replied  the  poor  old  man, 
meekly.  "  Ef  I  can.  It's  al'ays  a  tip  -  top 
good  thing,  ef  any  one  kin  sleep  betwixt 
troubles." 

He  closed  his  eyes  wearily,  and  was  soon 
wandering  among  the  many  pasts  that  he 
had  known,  some  of  which  existed  a  full 
generation  before  Miss  Edwards's  infancy. 

"It's  agoin'  to  be  a  cold  day  to-morrer," 
he  muttered,  almost  under  his  breath,  "an' 
there's  hardly  anythin'  in  the  house  to  eat. 
I  didn't  know  it  or  I'd  ha'  got  home  sooner. 
I've  been  to  work  hard  all  the  week  in  Whit 
ney's  saw-mill,  but  I'm  up  to  a  night's  hunt 
yet.  Jest  you  see  ef  I  don't  lug  home  a  deer 
in  the  mornin'.  Don't  you  be  a-scoldin'  on 
him  now,  mother,  fur  puttin'  of  his  time  on 


THE    OLD    INFANT  29 

books.     One  caint  sling  their  brains  an'  mus 
cle  at  the  same  time. 

"  I  'spect  you'll  be  the  makin'  of  us  all, 
brother,  along  o'  your  eddication !  You  jes' 
go  ahead  an'  scoop  it  in,  an'  we'll  stay  by 
ye  an'  pay  your  expenses  till  ye  kin  stan' 
on  yer  feet.  No.  I'll  wait  back  till  you've 
got  through ;  I  don't  believe  in  more'n  one 
dippin'  in  at  a  time.  We  might  git  the 
fountains  of  1'arnin'  kind  o'  muddy  ef  we 
riled  'em  too  much. 

"  Don't  you  cry,  mammy — now  I  tell  you 
things  is  agoin'  to  be  brighter !  You'll  hear 
from  me  every  week  jest  as  sure  as  I  kin  arn 
the  postage  fur  to  send  a  letter,  an'  you're 
goin'  to  find  somethin'  in  it  more  than  I  am 
well  an'  hope  these  few  lines  will  find  you 
in  the  same  condition.  There'll  be  some 
money  in  it  —  half  of  everything  I  'arn  is 
a-comin'  to  you,  an'  more  too,  ef  you  need 
it.  An'  it  won't  be  many  years  afore  I'll 
git  home  to  ye — sort  o'  new-fashioned  prod 
igal  son,  gold-dust  jest  a-oozin'  out  o'  my 


30  THE    OLD    INFANT 

pockets — an'  half  on  it  fur  you — an'  all  on  it, 
ef  you  want  it. 

"Damn  you,stan'  back!  Did  you  think  you 
was  goin'  to  rob  him?  He's  sick  an'  down 
an'  in  trouble,  but  he's  got  one  man  that'll 
stan'  by  him  till  he  gits  well  an'  has  strength 
to  speak  fur  himself.  Back,  you  dogs !  I've 
got  the  drop  on  ye,  an'  I'll  stir  you  up  lively 
ef  you  try  any  of  your  dodges  on  me. 

"  Injuns  !  Injuns !  Slide  back  here,  Dan, 
they're  a-comin' !  we're  good  fur  five  o'  the 
red  devils  apiece. 

"  Don't  you  go  to  thankin'  nobody,  mad 
am,  excep'  God.  Ef  I've  been  able  to  do 
anything  fur  the  childr'n,  He  put  it  into  my 
heart  —  Him  an'  an  angel  that's  keepin' 
school  up  in  Dover  township. 

"  No.  The  Lord  ain't  agoin'  to  let  me  die 
lonesome  an'  alone — He  never  wants  any 
body  to  do  that.  I've  got  a  gran'daughter 
— an  adopted  gran'daughter — an'  she'll  take 


THE    OLD    INFANT  31 

my  part.  I  ain't  got  any  childr'n  to  wait 
fur  when  I  git  over  the  divide,  but  I  shall 
keep  a  lookout  fur  that  adopted  gran'- 
daughter;  she  ain't  the  kind  that  forgits, 
an'  she'll  remember  me  all  the  way  through 
the  grave.  She — " 

She  held  her  best  pupil's  hard  and  rugged 
hand  until  he  was  dead. 


Ill 

The  next  afternoon  a  plain,  seedy -look 
ing  individual  dressed  in  faded  black  called 
upon  Miss  Edwards.  "  I  want  to  talk  with 
you  about  my  brother,"  he  said.  "  He  died 
yesterday.  Have  you  any  idea  how  much 
he  was  worth  ?" 

Miss  Edwards  made  no  answer,  not 
possessing  any  information  concerning  his 
finances. 

"  Something  over  half  a  million  of  dol 
lars,"  continued  the  man  in  faded  black, 
answering  his  own  question.  "  He  made  it 


32  THE    OLD    INFANT 

in  mining.  He  was  one  of  the  old  gold- 
seekers  of  1849.  He  knew  how  to  take  care 
of  his  monetary  interests,  and  possessed,  in 
dubitably,  his  own  modus  operandi  of  en 
joying  them.  I  owe  it  to  my  deceased 
brother,  madam,  to  say  that  he  was  always 
more  than  disposed  to  render  me  as  much 
financial  assistance  as  would  be  compatible 
with,  my  capabilities.  I  am,  I  am  happy  to 
say,  able  to  achieve  a  fair,  though  compara 
tively  inconsiderable,  stipend  from  the  ah — 
the — ah — the — insurance  business." 

So  this  was  the  learned  brother,  who  had 
captured  all  the  erudition  of  the  family,  and 
was  now  "  independently  poor." 

"  He  left,"  continued  the  man  in  faded 
black,  "  over  half  a  million  dollars,  well  in 
vested  and  constantly  increasing.  And  have 
you  seen  his  will?" 

"Certainly  not,"  replied  Miss  Edwards, 
very  quietly  and  distinctly.  What  had  she 
to  do  with  his  will? 

"  Nor  had  anything  communicated  to  you 
concerning  it  ?"  persisted  the  man  of  erudi 
tion. 


THE    OLD    INFANT  33 

"  Nothing  whatever."  repeated  the  young 
lady.  "  I  do  not  think  any  one  in  this 
neighborhood  knew  that  he  was  worth  a 
dollar,  in — in  money."  A  thought  of  the 
old  man's  real  mental  and  moral  value 
came  to  her  mind,  and  two  unshed  tears 
hung  their  electric  lights  in  her  eyes. 

"  You  are  evidently  a  young  lady  of  most 
unimpeachable  integrity  and  indisputable 
depth  of  feeling,"  remarked  the  learned 
brother.  "  I  am  glad  to  make  the  following 
announcement :  nine-tenths  of  all  that  prop 
erty  was  left  to  you  in  his  testamentary  dep 
osition." 

A  magnetic  shock  thrilled  the  young  lady 
from  head  to  toe.  Nine-tenths  of  a  half-mill 
ion  dollars !  Oh,  what  a  dream !  what  a 
great,  grand,  glorious  thought !  Jack  could 
go  to  college  now ;  Ethel  could  paint  in  It 
aly  ;  the  twins  could  be  given  a  grand,  thor 
ough  education  from  the  start,  and — and — 
Paul's  parents  need  not  reproach  him  any 
more  for  loving  a  girl  that  had  the  bad  taste 
to  be  born  poor.  The  dream,  however,  soon 
rushed  away  to  join  other  and  older  ones. 


34  THE  OLD    INFANT 

"  Of  course  I  cannot  accept  it,"  she  said, 
quietly  but  firmly. 

"  Of  course  you  will,  though,"  as  quietly 
and  firmly  replied  the  other,  with  a  startling 
descent  to  monosyllables. 

Miss  Edwards  felt  like  ejaculating  "  Sir ! "  as 
girls  do  in  English  plays  when  gentlemen  are 
impertinent  to  them ;  but  she  held  her  peace 
(meaning  her  tongue),  and  her  temper  with  it. 

"  I  am  the  only  relative  of  deceased  that 
has  not  as  yet  shuffled  off  this  mortal  coil," 
replied  the  learned  man.  "  I  have  never  con 
tracted  any  matrimonial  encumbrances,  and 
have  no  use  for  the  money ;  I  could  not  ma 
nipulate  it  if  possessed  of  it,  and  am  perfectly 
competent  to  live  well  the  remainder  of  my 
life  on  fifty  thousand  dollars.  If  you  do  not 
receive  the  property,  it  will  revert  to  the 
State.  You  are  young,  and  can,  no  doubt, 
do  a  great  deal  of  good  with  it." 

"  But  why  should  he  leave  it  to  me  ?"  per 
sisted  the1  young  lady. 

"He  mentions  a  number  of  motives  in  his 
testamentary  deposition,"  replied  the  other, 
"  all  replete  with  assertions  that  are  exceed- 


THE   OLD    INFANT  35 

irigly  complimentary  and  creditable  to  you. 
His  chief  and  most  frequently  reiterated  rea 
son  appears  to  be  that  you  were  the  sweetest 
woman  he  had  ever  found,  who  could  at  once 
be  kind  and  dignified  to  him.  He  had  led  a 
rough,  adventurous  life  in  frontier  towns  and 
mining  -  camps,  had  seen  very  few  women, 
had  learned  to  hate  them  generally,  and  he 
used  to  say  you  redeemed  the  whole  sex  for 
him.  You  seem  to  have  made  the  last  winter 
of  my  brother's  discontented  life  the  most 
glorious  summer  he  had  ever  found.  You 
must  take  the  money." 

"But  who  wrote  the  will  for  him?"  in 
quired  the  young  lady. 

"  I  am  happy  to  say,"  replied  the  bachelor, 
somewhat  proudly,  "that  I  achieved  that 
somewhat  arduous  task  myself.  And  I  may 
also  add  that  I  flatter  myself  it  was  very 
fairly  done,  and  will  hold." 

"  And  you  signed  his  name  for  him  ?" 

"  Oh  no ;  not  at  all !"  replied  the  other. 
"  He  could  write  his  name  very  well — thanks 
to  the  instructions  he  had  received  during 
the  past  winter." 


36  THE    OLD   INFANT 

The  young  lady  blushed.  "  Do  you  sup 
pose  I  had  any  idea  what  he  would  do  with 
his  signature  ?"  she  exclaimed. 

"  Certainly  not,"  replied  the  bachelor. 
"  Kindly  do  not  suppose,  because  I  am  a  poor 
man,  and  a  well-educated  one  at  the  same 
time,  that  I  am  a  fool.  He  told  me  all  about 
you.  You  are  the  first  one  who  ever  con 
vinced  him  that  education  was  a  blessing.  I 
had  tried  for  years  to  do  this,  and  I  will  ad 
mit  that  I  was  a  poor  sample  of  its  effects. 

"  He  went  into  your  school  first  as  an 
amusement;  he  remained  to  see  what  he 
had  missed  throughout  his  life.  Yes,  young 
lady,  the  money  is  justly  and  indubitably 
yours  ;  and  you  must  accept  it." 

And  Miss  Bertha  firmly  asserted  that  she 
would  not,  and  then  spent  the  whole  night 
trying  to  decide  whether  she  would. 


THE  VESTAL  VIRGIN 


THE  VESTAL  VIKGIN 


"  YES,  my  dear,  my  only  son,  it  will  be  a 
sore  trial  to  live  without  you,"  murmured 
Mrs.  H.  G.  Wylkynse,  while  she  softly  groom 
ed  her  son  Chesterfield's  hair  with  one  jew 
elled  hand  and  employed  the  other  to  gently 
draw  toward  her  his  unresisting  form.  "  The 
four  years  that  you  are  in  college  will  be 
full — oh,  so  full ! — of  anxieties  for  me.  But 
you  are  all  ready  now,  and  will  enter  in  a 
few  days." 

"  That  ith,  if  I  don't  get  plucked  on  the 
exthamination,"  interrupted  "  Chessie,"  as 
the  fond  little  family  called  him.  He  spoke 
with  a  slight  lisp,  and  parted  his  yellow  hair 
in  the  middle.  It  is  fairly  probable  that  he 
could  not  help  dividing  his  tresses  in  two 


40  THE   VESTAL   VIRGIN 

equal  sections  or  lisping  like  a  young  girl 
any  more  than  being  sometimes  called 
"  Sissie."  In  fact,  to  use  a  figure,  Nature 
had  already  called  him  by  that  sibilant 
name ;  she  had  constructed  him  after  a  semi- 
feminine  pattern.  A  man  cannot  entirely 
resist  the  way  he  is  made  up  or  unmade 
down. 

Chessie  was  not  to  blame  very  much  for 
all  his  "  she-ways,"  as  playmates  used  to  call 
them ;  could  not  help  being  called  "  Jane  " 
and  "  Ellen  "  and  "Kittle"  and  "The  Vestal 
Virgin."  He  was,  to  a  certain  extent,  as  he 
was ;  and  all  education,  refinement,  and  ex 
perience  would  simply  result  in  different 
modifications  of  that  one  mental  fact  ia  his 
nature.  It  would  almost  seem  at  times  as 
if  we  owed  some  forgotten,  prenatal  respon 
sibility  of  our  own  as  to  the  elemental  con 
stitution  of  our  being;  we  are  so  rewarded 
and  punished  on  account  of  it. 

"  I  shall  indeed  miss  you  very  much," 
repeated  the  fond  mother :  "  I  have  had  you 
with  me  so  almost  constantly,  Chessie." 

"  But,  mamma,"  replied  the  young  man 


THE   VESTAL   VIBGIN  41 

(he  had  never  got  over  calling  her  "  mamma," 
as  some  hard,  unfeeling  young  men  might 
have  done),  "I  shall  see  you  occasionally 
during  the  time,  and  it  will  thoon  path. 
Cheer  up,  mother ;  do  not,  oh,  do  not  give 
way  to  thuch  grief !" 

While  Mrs.  Wylkynse  was  still  conducting 
an  elaborate  struggle  with  her  sorrow,  the 
door-bell  rang,  and  Barnes  Dillingworthy 
not  long  afterwards  came  into  the  half  sit 
ting-room,  half  library  in  which  mother  and 
son  were  conversing.  Barnes  (called  after 
the  great  Biblical  commentator),  or  "  Barn- 
sie,"  as  he  was  designated  by  his  pet- 
namers,  was  the  only  bone  of  contention 
between  Mrs.  Wylkynse  and  her  only  son ; 
in  fact,  he  was  several  very  sturdy  bones  of 
contention,  being  a  reformed  middle-weight 
champion  "  putter  -  to  -  sleep,"  as  the  boys 
called  it. 

He  had  been  converted  to  religion,  and  in 
duced  to  see  the  benefits  of  an  upright  life 
and  a  godly  conversation,  somewhat  late  in 
his  youth ;  in  fact,  after  his  fifth  successful 
engagement  in  the  ring.  He  had  found 


42  THE    VESTAL   VIRGIN 

himself  austerely  petted  ever  since  by  a 
wealthy  uncle,  who  now  determined  to  whit 
tle  a  polished  clergyman  out  of  this  gnarled 
and  knotted  tree,  so  happily  transplanted 
from  the  forests  of  sin  into  the  placidly 
blooming  and  well-trained  garden  of  the 
Church.  Barnsie  was  a  sturdy,  enthusiastic 
convert;  was  anxious  to  commence  a  regular 
theological  prize-fight  with  the  hosts  of  sin ; 
and  meant  to  prepare  for  a  thorough  college 
course  as  soon  as  possible. 

But  the  readjustment  of  his  natural  fac 
ulties  proceeded  rather  slowly.  He  had  a 
bewilderingly  large  number  of  obstacles  in 
his  mental  make-up,  the  removal  of  which 
was  a  very  difficult  and  tedious  process. 
Reader,  if  you  are  conscious  of  any  natural 
traits  which  it  is  desirable  to  eradicate, 
begin  as  early  as  possible. 

This  young  man  had  not  commenced  soon 
enough ;  and  his  difficulties  were,  in  conse 
quence,  as  he  himself  asserted,  no  feather 
weights.  For  instance,  he  would  even  now 
dream  during  the  night  that  he  was  once  more 
in  the  praise-environed  precincts  of  the  ring. 


THE   VESTAL  VIRGIN  43 

He  had  often,  in  these  unhallowed  visions, 
risen  in  his  strength  and  robe  de  nuit,  rushed 
about  the  room,  and  scattered  things  here 
and  there  in  a  very  lively  manner  —  the 
items  once  demolished  including  pictures  of 
several  distinguished  divines  and  a  plaster 
cast  of  the  Rev.  John  Knox. 

He  had,  however,  indulged  also  in  ten 
derer  dreams;  he  had  fallen  in  love  with 
Mrs.  Wylkynse's  only  daughter,  and  devel 
oped  a  dense,  inexorable,  never-to-be-got- 
over-or-resisted  determination  to  sometime 
marry  her.  He  was  so  bashful,  with  all  his 
physical  strength,  as  never  to  have  tried  to 
win  her  personally ;  but  his  mind  was  evi 
dently  more  or  less. engaged  all  the  while 
in  a  mill,  as  he  considered  it,  with  the  young 
lady's  indifference.  He  was  not  an  accom 
plished  wooer,  and  seemed  inclined  to  do 
the  courting  by  proxy,  or,  rather,  compel 
the  young  lady  to  so  receive  it.  He  was 
continually  putting  delicate  little  attentions, 
such  as  one  would  give  a  girl,  upon  the 
young  man  Chessie,  whenever  the  object  of 
his  affection  was  near  to  see  him  do  so, 


44  THE   VESTAL    VIRGIN 

or  when  he  thought  the  brother  would  tell 
her  of  the  same ;  but  seldom  spoke  directly 
to  her.  Mrs.  Wylkynse  had  an  idea  that 
this  thoroughly  objectionable  young  person 
was  trying  to  court  both  her  daughter  and 
her  son,  and  was  jealous  of  him  in  each 
case. 

"  Halloo,  Barnthie,  give  us  your  flipper !" 
exclaimed  Chessie,  with  a  kind  of  maiden 
like  heartiness,  grasping  the  reformed  one's 
hand.  "  I'm  tho  thorry  you're  not  going 
to  college  with  me,  you  know.  But  you'll 
come  out  and  thee  me  once  in  a  while, 
won't  you  now,  Barnthie  ?" 

The  reconstructed  young  gladiator  hoarse 
ly  whimpered  an  assent,  glanced  toward 
Miss  Gladys,  the  daughter  of  the  mansion, 
who  was  spinning  with  her  needles  a  deli 
cate  spider  -  web  of  embroidery,  and  then 
picked  up  Chessie's  handkerchief,  which  he 
had  dropped,  returning  it  to  him  with  a 
bow  and  a  voluminously  caressing  gesture. 
There  was  a  slight  change  in  the  expres 
sion  of  the  corner  of  Miss  Gladys's  eye. 
She  knew  that  the  miniature  courtesy  was 


THE   VESTAL    VIRGIN  45 

intended  to  reach  her  through  the  round 
about  medium  of  Chessie,  and  was  rather 
enjoyably  diverted  by  this  novel  method  of 
receiving  evidences  of  adoration.  It  must 
be  owned,  too,  that  she  rather  liked  Barn- 
sie,  although  really  half -engaged  to  one 
Fitzherbert  Netherwood. 

"  You  know,"  she  used  to  say  to  Chessie, 
as  a  profound  secret,  knowing  that  it  would 
soon  be  told  also  to  Barnsie  as  one — "you 
know  very  well  that  I  could  never  many 
one  who  had  ever  been  guilty  of  maltreat 
ing  his  fellow -beings,  no  matter  how  re 
formed  he  might  be,  or  even  if  he  were  a 
minister  of  the  gospel.  Supposing  he  should 
get  angry  on  one  of  his  'blue  Mondays'? 
Why,  he  might  write  his  rage  on  the  floor 
of  the  manse  in  letters  of  my  own  blood, 
and  then  use  me  for  a  -blotting-pad  any 
time  !  And  then  imagine  how  I  would  look 
at  my  next  reception  !  I  never  could  dare 
to  marry  one  who  had  ever  made  it  a  spe 
cialty  to  cause  people  to  appear  any  worse 
than  they  naturally  do." 

Then,  after  a  few  days,  Chessie  would  tell 


46  THE   VESTAL   VIRGIN 

her  of  several  quite  hard  cases  that  had  been 
brought  into  the  fold,  and  been  very  kind 
and  exemplary  husbands  and  fathers  all 
their  after-lives.  She  knew  who  had  told 
him  this,  and  always  laughed  softly  in  her 
daintily  embroidered  sleeve. 

"  Oh,  Mr.  Dillingworthy !"  suddenly  piped 
up  Gladys  this  evening,  in  a  couple  of  sen 
tences  sounding  like  a  little  crisp  tune  on 
a  flute ;  "  is  it  all  so,  about  the  examinations 
being  awfully  hard?  And  do  you  really 
think  poor  Chessie  will  have  a  close  time 
to  get  in  ?" 

If  there  was  anything  Mr.  Dillingworthy 
believed,  it  was  that  all  examinations  were 
beastly  hard;  and  he  readily,  though  blush- 
ingly,  answered  in  the  affirmative. 

"And  do  the  students  treat  each  other 
so  —  so  —  inconsiderately,  and  have  little 
military  engagements  on  the  campus,  and — 
fumigate  new  young  men  out  of  their 
rooms,  and  steal  each  other's  class  dinners, 
and — and — commit  murder  once  in  a  while, 
almost  ?  Fitzherbert  Ketherwood  says  they 
do." 


THE   VESTAL   VIRGIN  47 

"  Naw,  they  dawn't,  I  dawn't  believe," 
snarled  Barnsie,  with  a  thoroughly  disgust 
ed  look.  The  mention  of  Fitzherbert  Neth 
er  wood  always  affected  him  as  the  filing 
of  a  saw  would  a  more  sensitive  person,  al 
though,  singularly,  he  had  never  seen  him. 

Miss  Gladys  repressed  an  optical  twinkle. 
"  Well,  I  didn't  more  than  about  two-thirds 
believe  it,"  the  young  lady  rejoined,  pen 
sively  adding  another  tiny  strand  to  her 
spider-web.  "  But  Fitzherbert  is  there,  you 
know,  and  a  Sophomore;  and  he  seemed  to 
think  he  was  sure  of  it.  Still,  Sophomores 
are  always  exaggerating,  I  believe.  I  shall 
be  so  glad  when  Fitzherbert  graduates." 

Barnsie  resented  inwardly  this  manifesta 
tion  of  womanly  interest  in  his  rival,  and  al 
most  wished  he  could  stand  up  before  him 
once,  with  or  without  boxing-gloves. 

"You  must  be  very  careful,  Chessie," 
broke  in  the  mother,  "  with  your  new  light 
la  vender- colored  suit.  And  don't  let  any  of 
those  terrible  creatures  get  hold  of  your  silk 
hat.  Do  not  put  on  your  patent-leather 
boots  in  cold  weather  without  first  warming 


48  THE   VESTAL    VIKGIN 

them  ;  they  might  crack.  Do  not  soil  your 
neckties  unduly,  my  dear  son,  and  refrain 
from  making  any  unmerited  sentimental 
attachments." 

"  Yeth,  mamma,"  replied  Chessie,  in  a  sub 
missive  and  compliant  tone.  "  I  shall  try 
to  make  mythelf  worthy  of  you  in  every 
rethpect.  Oh,  mamma !" 

He  placed  his  hand  in  hers,  and  looked  so 
gentle,  so  confiding,  so  altogether  mild  and 
lovely  that  no  one  could  have  helped  being 
touched  at  the  sight.  Barnsie  was  touched. 
He  moved  a  screen,  to  prevent  certain  more 
or  less  imaginary  draughts  from  striking  the 
young  man  who  was  so  soon  to  leave  his 
maternal  protector. 

"  They  gamble  too,  I  have  heard,"  re 
marked  Miss  Gladys,  quietly  resuming  the 
conversation  concerning  students  and  ignor 
ing  the  late  affecting  little  scene. 

Chessie  looked  horrified,  and  the  mother 
more  so.  "  Oh,  Chessie,  do  not  do  that,"  she 
murmured,  "  whatever  you  do !  It  would 
keep  you  up  late  nights  and  spoil  your  com 
plexion  !" 


THE   VESTAL   VIRGIN  49 

"And  have  tri- weekly  drunken -bouts," 
continued  the  terrible  young  lady.  "  And 
thrash  their  professors  when  they  meet  them 
in  the  dark.  And — and— 

"  Gladys,  I  command  you,  do  not  pack  any 
more  such  dreadful  things  into  poor  Ches- 
sie's  head !"  exclaimed  the  mother.  "  Do 
you  not  see  that  he  is  already  growing 
pale  ?  Can  you  not  realize  that  he  will  have 
a  hard  enough  time,  without  your  making  it 
more  so  ?  The  leaving  home  to  go  to  college 
is  a  solemn,  solemn  thing  for  a  young  man." 

"  Oh,  I  don't  think  it's  anything  compared 
to  boarding-school,"  declared  the  young  lady, 
positively.  "  Do  you,  Barnsie  ?"  looking  him 
full  in  the  face  and  spreading  the  spider-web 
all  over  her  lap. 

It  was  the  first  time  she  had  ever  called 
him  "  Barnsie,"  and  the  circumstance  pro 
duced  a  powerful  effect  on  the  young  man — 
at  least  from  a  chromatic  point  of  view. 
His  face  became  a  plaque  of  fiery  red,  and 
he  redoubled  his  attentions  to  Chessie. 


50  THE   VESTAL    VIRGIN 


II 

The  arrival  at  college  did  not  seem  so 
very  formidable  an  affair  at  first.  It  was  in 
the  edge  of  the  evening  when  a  brakeman 
telescoped  his  head  and  neck  into  the  rail 
road  coach  and  yelled  the  name  of  the  town. 
Chessie  was  alone ;  his  mamma  would  have 
come  with  him,  but  her  anxiety  had  made 
her  slightly  ill ;  and  so  Miss  Gladys  also  had 
to  stay  home,  though  she  would  have  liked 
nothing  better  than  to  chaperon  Chessie  on 
his  trip.  Mrs.  Wylkynse  objected  to  Barn- 
sie's  accompanying  him,  under  any  consid 
eration  or  in  any  capacity  whatever. 

The  university  seemed  arranged  with  i 
very  fine  view  to  the  comfort  of  its  student- 
guests  ;  there  was  apparent  none  of  the  cold 
heartlessness  which  characterizes  some  in 
stitutions  upon  the  arrival  of  a  pre-Freshman. 
A  polite,  refined-looking  man,  with  the  legend 
"  University  "  smiling  from  a  small  badge 
on  the  lapel  of  his  coat,  stepped  up  to  Ches 
sie,  asked  him  if  he  was  a  student  just 


THE    VESTAL    VIRGIN  51 

arrived,  took  him  to  a  cab,  and  left  him. 
Presently  a  learned-looking  gentleman  with 
white  beard  entered,  and  the  vehicle  moved 
away.  "Are  you  about  to  become  a  stu 
dent  ?"  he  inquired,  genially,  looking  at  the 
young  man  with  a  fatherly  smile. 

"  Yeth,  sir,  that  ith  the  underthanding," 
said  Chessie. 

"  I  am  the  secretary,"  rejoined  the  gentle 
man  with  the  white  whiskers,  simply,  "and 
we  will  go  directly  to  the  president's  house, 
where  you  can  have  your  examination  in  a 
little  while,  and  be  all  ready  for  work  in.  the 
morning.  The  ordeal  is  not  hard,  and  you 
will  feel  better  with  it  over." 

Chessie  would  have  preferred  to  take  a 
night's  rest  before  the  ordeal ;  but  the  man 
ner  of  this  secretary  was  so  kind  and  reas 
suring  that  he  felt  his  plan  to  be  the  better. 
After  a  half  -  hour's  drive  they  came  to  a 
large  building,  which  looked  rather  imposing, 
although  the  young  student  could  not  see 
much  of  its  exterior  through  the  darkness. 

But  within  everything  was  light  and  life. 
The  peaceful  intruder  (for  he  modestly  felt 


52  THE    VESTAL    VIKGIN 

himself  such)  was  led  into  a  little  reception- 
room,  where  a  cozy -looking  table  stood, 
strewn  with  various  erudite  books.  Pres 
ently  a  smiling  gentleman,  whose  youngish 
face  and  snow  -  white  hair  indicated  hard 
thought  and  a  placid  disposition,  entered 
the  room  and  grasped  him  warmly  by  the 
hand. 

"  A  part  of  my  corps  of  professors,"  he 
said,  simply,  pointing  to  a  number  of  clerical- 
looking  persons  circled  around  the  room,  and 
reclining  in  easy,  not  to  say  careless,  posi 
tions.  Chessie  made  them  a  profound  bow, 
which  they  returned  with  more  or  less  dig 
nity  and  grace. 

"  Now,  my  young  friend,"  continued  the 
president,  in  a  kind  but  business-like  voice, 
"you  are  about  to  commence  with  us  the 
great  life-work  of  culture  and  of  trained 
thought ;  to  sink  shafts  with  us  in  the  hid 
den  mines  of  knowledge  ;  to  sail  with  us  the 
breezy  and  variegated  oceans  of  the  past; 
to  aid  us  in  contributing  to  the  grandeurs 
of  the  future.  Kindly  attach  your  auto 
graph,  sir,  to  this  paper." 


THE   VESTAL   VIRGIN  03 

Chessie  did  so,  very  kindly  indeed.  The 
amiable  though  dignified  manner  of  this 
refined  gentleman,  so  high  in  position,  im 
pressed  him  more  deeply  than  he  could  tell, 
even  to  himself.  "  How  much  better,"  he 
thought,  "than  a  haughty,  self-sufficient, 
hard  -  hearted  old  file !  I  know  I  shall  like 
him." 

"  Mr.  "Wylkynse,"  continued  the  president, 
looking  over,  through,  and  under  his  glasses 
at  the  young  candidate  for  collegiate  hon 
ors,  "  it  will  be  necessary  that  I  ask  you  a 
few  plain  questions  at  the  outset,  and  that 
you  answer  them  fully  and  frankly." 

"  Thertainly,  thir,"  replied  poor  Chessie. 
"  Protheed,  pleathe." 

"  I  suppose  you  are  aware,  Mr.  Wylkynse," 
continued  the  president,  "that  Affection, 
more  or  less  apparent,  is  the  basis  of 
everything  desirable  upon  this  earth.  And 
now  I  inquire  of  you,  sir,  were  you  ever  in 
love?" 

"  No,  thir,"  replied  poor  Chessie,  after  a  few 
seconds' hesitation.  "  Never  thteady ;  never 
more  than  tho  as  to  thigh  when  the  name  of 


54  THE    VESTAL   VIRGIN 

the  object  of  ray  thenthibiliteth  was  men 
tioned."  * 

"  What  ?"  shouted  the  whole  company  of 
professors  in  chorus,  rising  to  their  feet  and 
fiercely  surrounding  the  candidate.  "  At  this 
age,  and  in  this  age,  and  never  wildly,  deep 
ly,  and  irrevocably  in  love?  No  true  stu 
dent  is  he !  Never  will  he  be  one !  Away 
with  him !" 

"  Do  not  be  o'er-hard  with  the  young  man, 
my  fellow-educators,"  interposed  the  presi 
dent.  "  It  may  not  be  too  late  to  repair  the 
error.  Do  you  consent,  Mr.  Wylkynse,  to 
do  your  utmost  in  correcting  this  singular 

«/  o  o 

mistake?  You  are  willing,  sir,  to  fall  in 
love,  are  you  not  ?" 

"Thertainly,  thir,  if  it  is  nethethary  in 
order  to  conform  with  the  ruleth,"  replied 
Chessie,  trembling.  "I  will  do  my  betht, 
thir — my  very  betht." 

"  Professor  of  Mental  and  Moral  Science, 
record  his  answer,"  exclaimed  the  president. 
"  He  will  do  his  best.  Be  seated,  my  fel 
low-instructors.  The  young  man  is  willing 
to  do  anything  reasonable  in  this  respect, 


THE   VESTAL    VIRGIN  55 

as,  perchance,  in  others.  I  will  now  pro 
pound  to  you  another  question,  which  I  call 
on  you  to  answer  in  perfect  sincerity  and 
truth.  Mind,  sir,  and  do  not  evade.  Are 
you  a  roisterer?" 

"A  what-thterer ?"  asked  Chessie,  in  his 
haste  and  confusion. 

"  A  roisterer,  sir,"  repeated  the  president, 
in  a  tone  whose  kindness  was  just  the  least 
bit  tempered  with  severity.  "  Can  you  rois 
ter  ?  Tell  me,  and  tell  me  truly." 

"I  don't  think  I  ever  did,  thir,"  replied 
Chessie,  his  face  a  blank  white  leaf.  "  I  do  not 
exthactly  underthand  what  that  ith.  But  I 
am  willing,  thir,  to  try,  thir,  tho  hard — 

"What!"  shouted  the  professors,  in  cho 
rus,  rising  as  one  man ;  "  he  has  never  rois 
tered  ?  Away  with  him  !" 

"  Fellow-instructors,  pray  be  not  so  pre 
cipitate  !"  interposed  the  president,  blandly, 
but  reproachfully.  "  By  .your  impetuosity 
this  night  you  may  spoil  a  promising  career 
upon  its  very  threshold,  as  it  were.  Con 
demn  him  only  for  what  he  has  or  has 
not  done.  He  is  willing  to  roister — nay, 


56  THE   VESTAL   VIRGIN 

eager,  I  have  no  doubt,  if  he  only  knew  the 
details  of  the  process.  Professor  of  Bibli 
ology,  record  the  answer. 

"  I  now  have  another  question  to  ask  you, 
sir,"  continued  the  president.  "Are  you  a 
reader  of  that  great  student's  poet,  Professor 
Longfellow  ?" 

"  My  mamma  taught  me  '  The  Childrenth 
Hour,'  "  murmured  Chessie,  faltering,  and 
feeling  homesick. 

"  Professor  of  Rhetoric,"  exclaimed  the 
president,  "  record  the  fact  that  his  mamma 
taught  him  '  The  Children's  Hour.'  " 

Chessie  noticed,  as  he  glanced  timidly 
about,  that  the  instructors  were  all  touch 
ed  by  this.  They  laid  their  heads  down  on 
their  arms.  Even  the  president  looked  sud 
denly  serious,  and  smiled  sadly.  "Are  you 
familiar  with  that  beautiful  line  in  the 
'  Psalm  of  Life,'  "  he  asked,  mildly,  "  '  Learn 
to  labor  and  to  wait '  ?" 

"  I  have  heard  it.  thir,"  replied  Chessie, 
hopefully. 

"  Do  you  accord  with  its  teaching  and  its 
spirit  ?" 


THE    VESTAL    VIRGIN  57 

"  I  do,  thir,"  asserted  Chessie. 

"  You  will  now,  my  dear  young  friend, 
have  an  opportunity  of  demonstrating  the 
fact,"  said  the  president.  "  Professor  of  As 
tronomy,  bring  the  toga!" 

The  toga  was  brought.  Chessie  had  heard 
something  about  this  garment  of  the  an 
cient  Romans,  but  never  had  an  idea  that 
it  so  much  resembled  a  modern  waiter's 
apron.  His  coat  was  taken  off,  and  the  toga 
placed  upon  him.  He  was  then  conducted 
into  an  adjoining  room,  where  there  was  a 
table  covered  with  preparations  for  a  feast. 
He  was  glad  at  this,  being  hungry ;  but 
there  seemed  no  room  for  him  after  the 
president  and  professors  were  all  seated. 
"  You  must  labor  and  wait,  my  dear  young 
friend,"  observed  the  president,  smiling  kind 
ly.  "  Bring  hither  the  soup." 

Poor  Chessie  labored  and  waited  for  a 
matter  of  three-quarters  of  an  hour.  It  was 
strange  what  a  lively  set  of  men  these  pro 
fessors  were  when  it  came  to  eating.  They 
kept  him  continually  on  the  go;  now  at  one 
side  of  the  table  and  then  at  another ;  now 


58  THE    VESTAL   VIRGIN 

carrying  this,  then  bringing  that ;  he  never 
had  a  moment's  peace.  He  made  several 
terrible  blunders  ;  smashed  some  of  the 
dishes,  spilled  soup  all  over  his  toga,  got  his 
fingers  in  the  pie,  transferred  some  of  it  ac 
cidentally  to  his  hair — in  fact,  had  refresh 
ments  upon  nearly  every  outward  part  of  his 
anatomy,  though  not  a  morsel  within.  To 
his  surprise,  the  president  and  professors 
never  once  rebuked  him  for  his  blunders ; 
they  seemed  rather  to  be  amused.  "  How 
kind  and  patient  they  are  !"  thought  the 
young  man. 

At  last  the  little  scholastic  banquet  was 
over,  and  the  young  man  was  conducted 
again  to  the  president's  room. 

"  I  will  now  proceed  further  with  the  ex 
amination,"  remarked  the  president.  "  Mr. 
"Wylkynse,  can  you  dance  ?" 

"I  think  I  have  been  danthing  quite 
conthtantly  during  the  patht  theveral  min- 
uteth,  thir,"  replied  Chessie,  rather  spirited 
ly.  This  remark  amused  several  of  the  pro 
fessors,  and  they  laughed  heartily.  "  Good 
boy !"  shouted  one  of  them. 


THE    VESTAL   VIRGIN  59 

"  I  think  that  is  true,  Mr.  Wylkynse," 
rejoined  the  president,  cheerfully ;  "  you  have 
already  sho\vn  that  you  can  dance,  after  a 
fashion.  But  there  is  another  department 
of  physical  education  with  which  we  never 
allow  our  students  to  dispense.  Professor 
of  Athletics,  stand  forth  !" 

The  Professor  of  Athletics,  a  gentleman 
who  looked  as  if  he  might  be  a  very  good 
boxer,  put  on  a  pair  of  gloves,  and  suavely 
invited  Chessie  to  do  the  same.  But  the  new 
student  demurred. 

"  If  you  pleathe,  thir,"  he  protested,  pite- 
ously,  "  would  you  be  content  to  have  the 
retht  of  the  exthamination  pothtponed  till 
to-morrow  ?" 

The  professors  all  laughed  again,  and  the 
request  was  finally  granted,  but  everybody 
except  Chessie  looked  disappointed.  "  No 
more  fun  to-night,"  one  of  them  muttered. 

"  We  have  one  more  new  student  this 
evening,"  remarked  a  professor.  "  He  is 
with  me  now.  One  of  the  boys  brought 
him  in  while  you  were  at  dinner,  and  he  has 
been  waiting  for  us.  I  think  he  is  green 


60  THE   VESTAL   VIRGIN 

enough  to  be  good  eating.  He  wishes  to 
be  examined  immediately." 

"  Good !"  shouted  the  Faculty,  in  chorus. 
"  Bring  him  right  in !" 

Chessie  gave  a  start ;  he  knew  him.  But 
the  would-be  student  shook  his  head  slightly 
and  declined  recognition.  Chessie  felt  hurt, 
but  submissive. 

The  ceremonies  with  this  young  man  were 
much  shorter  than  had  been  used  with  stu 
dent  "Wylkynse. 

"Let  us  examine  him  as  to  his  physical 
structure,  the  iirst  thing  we  do,"  proposed 
the  Professor  of  Athletics.  "  You  have  no 
objection,  have  you  ?"  he  inquired,  politely, 
handing  him  the  gloves. 

"  Oh,  certainly  not,  if  you  wish  !"  replied 
the  new  student,  grimly.  He  put  on  the 
gloves  very  readily.  Chessie  was  perfectly 
dumb  writh  surprise. 

"  A  physical  foundation  is  the  basis  of  all 
true  education,  my  young  friend,"  remarked 
the  president.  "  Time  !" 

It  was  certainly  "  time,"  and  the  Profess 
or  of  Athletics  began  in  a  minute  or  two  to 


THE   VESTAL   VIRGIN  61 

wonder  if  it  wasn't  somewhere  near  eter 
nity.  The  new  student  threw  up  his  blow 
as  if  it  were  one  of  the  play -strokes  of  a 
kitten,  and  then  gave  him  a  return  one  on  the 
right  side  of  the  head,  then  one  on  the  left, 
immediately  afterwards  one  on  the  nose, 
then  two  somewhere  among  .the  ribs,  and 
concluded  with  an  honest,  straightforward 
punch  in  the  stomach  that  sent  him  speech 
less  and  windless  against  the  wall.  "  Enough ! 
enough  !"  exclaimed  the  president,  rising. 

"  ISTo,  no,  not  half  enough !"  shouted  the 
new  student.  "  I  ain't  one-third  examined 
yet.  Do  you  want  to  cheat  me  out  o'  my 
examination  ?  Say,  you  gray-haired  soul,  do 
you  ?"  and  he  deserted  the  Professor  of  Ath 
letics  and  gave  the  president  a  blow  that 
displaced  a  wig  and  a  set  of  white  whiskers, 
both  at  once,  and  doubled  him  over  his 
chair,  displaying  Fitzherbert  Nethenvood's 
flushed  pale  face. 

"  Oh,  come  on  and  examine  me  !"  shouted 
Barnsie,  for  it  was  he.  "I  ain't  anywhere 
near  examined  yet.  Let  the  Professor  of 
Rhetoric  waltz  to  me,  for  instance.  Bring  on 


62  THE    VESTAL   VIRGIN 

your  Anatomical  Instructor,  an'  I'll  give  him 
some  points." 

"Run  him  down,  boys,  and  hold  him!" 
shouted  the  strongest  of  the  group.  Some 
of  them  made  a  rush  toward  the  sturdy 
neophyte. 

"  Oh !  are  you  all  goin'  to  examine  me 
at  once,  perfessors?"  shouted  the  ex-prize 
fighter,  hastily  flinging  'off  the  gloves. 
"  Bare-handed,  too  ?  Good  !  Hurray  !"  And 
then  he  commenced  on  them  with  combined 
science  and  strength.  He  piled  the  first 
five  he  could  reach  on  the  floor  neatly  across 
each  other ;  he  then  engaged  in  a  grand  ama 
teur  professor-hunt  all  over  the  room.  Some 
of  his  quarry  tried  the  door,  which,  however, 
was  locked  and  the  key  in  the  new  student's 
pocket.  He  chased  the  panic-stricken  stu 
dents  about  very  much  as  he  pleased.  They 
rushed  into  the  supper-room  ;  he  followed, 
pursued  them  all  around  the  demolished 
banquet  again  and  again,  and  mixed  several 
of  them  up  with  the  various  dishes.  Neck 
ties,  gravy,  collars,  cuffs,  soup,  wigs,  Worces 
tershire  sauce,  false  hair,  and  students  were 


THE    VESTAL    VIRGIN  63 

all  mingled  together  in  a  large  and  un 
classified  museum.  At  last  the  students 
found  a  blessed  window,  and,  panic-stricken, 
sprang  from  it  one  by  one — the  muscular 
candidate  giving  each  a  hearty  kick  as  he 
went  out. 

"When  the  last  one  had  disappeared,  Barnsie 
came  back  into  the  president's  room,  feeling 
that  he  had  for  once  employed  his  fists  in  a 
worthy  cause  and  that  he  had  had  "  a  rum 
good  time."  "It's  the  first  decent  scrap, 
Chessie,  that  I've  had  since  I  was  convert 
ed,"  he  muttered,  as  the  other  flew  to  his 
arms.  "  Poor,  dear  Chessie !  Did  they 
startle  you?" 

"Thtartle  me?"  replied  the  Virgin,  with 
wide-open  eyes.  "  Thtartle  ith  no  thort  of 
name  for  it ;  why,  it  wath  a  conthant  and 
bewildering  theries  of  dithathterth." 

""Well,  Chessie,  my  dear,  the  disasters 
didn't  all  come  on  to  you ;  that's  one  conso 
lation,"  grumbled  Barnsie,  tenderly.  "  Dis 
asters  got  pr'tty  middlin'  thick  along  tow 
ard  the  last  of  it;  but  none  of  the  con 
cluding  series  came  your  way.  Here's  a  lit- 


64  THE    VESTAL   VIRGIN 

tie  catastrophe,  now,  that  we'll  nip  in  the 
bud." 

He  was  reading  the  paper  that  Chessie  had 
signed.  It  was  an  order  on  the  largest  res 
taurant  in  the  town  for  the  banquet  that  had 
just  been  devoured  by  the  self -constituted 
Faculty ;  the  young  man  had  signed  it,  sup 
posing  it,  of  course,  to  be  something  entirely 
different.  The  order  had  evidently  been  in 
tended  for  presentation  by  the  restaurant- 
keeper  to  "Chessie"  after  the  feast  had  been 
digested.  Evidently  the  bill  for  the  repast 
would  now  have  to  be  paid  by  the  students 
who  had  really  contracted  for  it. 

The  two  young  men  went  to  a  hotel,  feel 
ing  that  they  were  somewhat  ahead  in  the 
night's  adventure ;  while  Chessie  ate  stead 
ily  for  an  hour.  "  How  did  you  happen  to 
come  to  my  rethcue  ?"  he  asked. 

"  I  happened  to  hear  that  you  was  goin' 
to  have  a  racket,"  said  Barnsie.  "  I  arrived 
on  a  later  train.  I  met  a  student,  and  ask 
ed  him  where  any  one  went  to  get  exam 
ined.  He  took  me  right  to  the  place,  and 
I  sustained  an  examination  they  won't  be 


THE   VESTAL   VIRGIN  65 

likely  to  forget  for  one  while  —  eh,  Ches- 
sie?" 


Ill 

The  next  morning,  as  they  were  taking  a 
walk  together,  they  met  a  young  man.  with 
his  arm  in  a  sling  and  one  eye  that  had  evi 
dently  been  care.fully  groomed  to  conceal 
artificial  darkness. 

He  greeted  them  with  a  laugh,  and  shook 
hands. 

"  I'm  the  instructor  in  physical  exercise," 
he  said  to  Barnsie,  "  and  would  like  to  have 
you  take  me  to  your  room,  when  I  am  a  lit 
tle  better,  and  give  me  some  points.  That 
was  a  great  lark  last  night,  but  you  had 
the  best  end  of  the  fun.  Of  course  you'll 
run  this  so  low  that  the  Faculty  won't  pipe 
it.  And  anything  we  can  do  for  this  kid, 
or  for  you  either,  we're  in  for,  and  hold  no 
malice." 

"  I'm  coming  next  year,"  growled  Barnsie, 
amiably.  "Ain't  fully  up  to  it  just  yet; 
but  I'll  be  all  here  when  I  arrive.  Mean- 


66  THE   VESTAL    VIRGIN 

while  I'll  stay  a  few  days  and  get  Chessie 
started." 

Before  three  days  were  gone  he  was  on 
famous  terms  with  all  the  "professors"  of 
the  eventful  evening  just  described,  and  was 
giving  them  gruff  sermons  on  the  frivolity 
of  their  conduct  and  sage  hints  how  most 
quickly  to  remove  abrasions.  Just  before 
leaving  for  home  he  received  a  stylish  letter, 
containing  only  a  few  words,  but  which  to 
him  was  a  whole  dictionary  of  joy.  They 
were  as  follows : 

"  You  gave  it  to  them  well,  especially  to 
Fitzherbert  Nethenvood.  I  have  read  Ches- 
sie's  account  of  your  glorious  fight  in  his  be 
half  to  mamma,  and  she  has  visibly  softened 
in  regard  to  you.  She  says,  'I  am  inclined 
to  think  there  is  something  good  in  that 
young  man,  after  all.' " 


LOST— TWO  YOUNG  LADIES 


LOST— TWO   YOUNG   LADIES 


THE  "  Mazzini "  was  a  small  brigandish- 
looking  hotel  near  the  edge  of  a  cliff  at  a 
certain  Mediterranean  town  in  Sicily.  The 
furniture  was  rather  too  old  to  be  comfort 
ably  reliable,  and  not  sufficiently  so  to  fig 
ure  in  a  collection  of  antiques.  The  pictures 
were  all  out-of-doors — orange -trees  in  the 
front  yard,  blue  sea  -  waves  constantly  in 
sight,  and  pyramidal  world-famed  Etna  lan 
guidly  smoking  miles  away.  The  table  was 
a  formality,  looking  as  if  it  existed  because 
such  things  were  customary  in  hotels ;  and, 
in  fact,  one  needed  what  Miss  Jareds  called 
"  the  true  tourist  spirit "  in  order  to  endure 
things  there  at  all. 

The  landlord  was  a  black-eyed,  black-hair 
ed,  bewilderingly  handsome  young  fellow  of 
twenty -two,  the  descendant  of  a  long  line 


70  LOST — TWO    YOUNG   LADIES 

of  bandits  who  had  for  several  generations 
conducted  campaigns  against  the  peaceful 
tourist  -  race.  They  had  robbed,  killed,  and 
kidnapped,  and  been  hunted,  shot,  and  hang 
ed,  for  so  many  years  that  their  youngsters 
had  often  grown  up  not  knowing  that  there 
existed  any  other  species  of  industry.  When 
all  the  Italics  were  at  last  welded  into  one 
government,  and  iron-clad,  honest -looking 
locomotives  began  to  bring  prosaic  soldiers 
down  there,  who  were  expected  to  earn  their 
wages  by  arresting  or  shooting  bandits  at 
sight,  and  did  so  with  disgusting  regularity, 
then  it  was  that  this  young  man  decided 
to  become  honest  and  go  into  the  hotel 
business. 

Miss  Jareds  was  stopping  at  the  "Mazzini" 
over  Sunday.  She  was  as  different  from  a 
Sicilian  bandit  as  nature  and  art  were  able 
to  arrange  it.  She  was  tall  and  rather  an 
gular,  with  pale -blue  eyes  and  hair  so  red 
that  one  felt  as  if  the  frosts  of  age  would 
never  make  any  impression  upon  it  without 
melting.  Her  general  appearance  was  that 
of  fairness  and  squareness,  and  she  somehow 


LOST — TWO   YOUNG    LADIES  71 

looked  as  if  she  had  more  rectitude  to  the 
ounce  than  all  the  foreigners  in  the  world. 

She  was  descended  from  a  long  line  of 
New  England  people,  in  which  one  good 
family  had  followed  another  with  the  reg 
ularity  and  exactness  of  the  letter -cogs  in 
an  improved  typewriter.  They  had  all  been 
born,  married,  and  entombed  in  the  town 
ship  of  Middle  witch,  Massachusetts;  all  be 
longed  to  the  same  church,  and  the  major 
ity  had  been  preached  to  most  of  the  time 
by  some  Jareds  or  other.  This  was  the  only 
one  of  all  the  stately  tribe  that  had  ever 
travelled  into  the  wickeder  countries,  and 
she  was  upon  business. 

This  one  had  with  her  a  medium -sized 
valise,  an  ample  shawl -strap,  and  fourteen 
young  ladies.  These  last  were  as  different 
from  Miss  Jareds  as  she  was  from  the  brig 
ands,  only  in  different  ways.  They  were 
travelling  students,  so  to  speak.  Some  of 
them  were  alumnas  from  boarding-schools, 
and  were  "doing"  this  European  trip  as  a 
kind  of  post-graduate  course.  Others  had 
been  taking  the  tour  as  a  medical  prescrip- 


72  LOST — TWO   YOUNG   LADIES 

tion,  their  parents  quietly  hoping  that  mal 
de  mer  would  result  in  improved  physical 
assimilation.  One  had  been  despatched  for 
these  foreign  climes  to  enable  her  to  throw 
the  late  family  coachman  into  personal  ob 
livion.  Another  was  designed  by  her  mam 
ma  as  the  Lucretia  Davidson  of  the  family, 
and  was  travelling  in  search  of  the  inner 
material  of  a  series  of  sonnets,  the  rhymes 
of  which  were  already  constructed,  and,  in 
couplets,  triplets,  and  quadruplets,  herded 
gracefully  in  her  desk  at  home  awaiting  ac 
tive  service. 

But  all  these  young  ladies  were  under  the 
mental,  moral,  physical,  spiritual,  and  uni 
versal  guardianship  of  Miss  Jareds,  whose 
eyes  were  travelling  gimlets,  and  whose 
executive  ability  was  generally  considered 
equal  to  at  least  the  staff  force  of  a  regi 
ment.  She  had  been  intrusted  with  this 
pretty  cargo  of  perishable  property  through 
a  general  confidence  in  her  which  was  as 
firm  as  the  rock  on  which  she  now  stood 
and  looked  off  upon  the  broad  and  heaving 
bosom  of  the  ^Egean  Sea. 


LOST — TWO   YOUNG    LADIES  73 

The  evening  before  had  been  a  lively  one 
at  the  "  Mazzini."  Our  young  descendant  of 
brigands  had  exerted  himself  for  the  amuse 
ment  of  his  guests,  and  had  introduced 
peasants  and  villagers  into  the  little  parlor 
who  could  dance  the  tarantula — had  even 
himself  indulged  in  terpsichorean  perform 
ances;  and  it  required  some  self-control  to 
enable  the  young  ladies  to  sit  in  the  parlor, 
a  row  of  wall-flowers,  and  see  all  this  going 
on  without  themselves  cutting  a  caper  or 
two.  There  was  also  present  a  young  na 
tive  improvisatore,  with  lovely  black  eyes 
and  an  old  resonant  guitar,  who  looked  at 
the  young  ladies  with  languishing  glances, 
and  sang  equivocal  compliments  in  the  dia 
lect  of  his  district,  the  landlord  translating 
them  to  the  company  after  each  strain  in  a 
manner  more  politic  than  accurate. 

The  two  varlets  had  understood  each  oth 
er  very  well ;  the  improvisatore  knew  even  a 
little  more  English  than  the  landlord,  and  the 
two  had  enjoyed  quite  a  bit  of  by-play  at  the 
touring  party's  expense,  which  they  consid 
ered  did  not  hurt  their  victims — the  Italian 


74  LOST — TWO   YOUNG    LADIES 

in  the  company  being  boarding-school  Ital 
ian.  Travellers  are  not  supposed  to  know  all 
that  is  said  about  them  by  the  people  among 
whom  they  journey ;  otherwise  many  of  them 
•would  stay  home,  once  they  arrived  there. 
The  adroit  flattery  of  the  young  law-obey 
ing  freebooter,  although  openly  disapproved, 
really  accomplished  some  effect,  and  the  girls 
went  to  their  comfortless  rooms  feeling  that 
they  had  had  too  sweet-lovely  a  time  for 
anything. 

This  morning,  however,  they  had  all 
yawned,  moped  a  little,  and  some  of  them 
had  admitted  homesickness,  and  asked  if  it 
was  settled  whether  they  should  sail  for 
America  next  month  on  the  Havre  or  Liver 
pool  steamer.  Part  of  them  were  writing  or 
re-reading  letters  in  their  rooms,  some  were 
out  for  a  short  walk,  and  two  had  gone  to 
attend  service  in  the  little  parody-on-a-ca- 
thedral. 

All  at  once  it  occurred  to  Miss  Jareds,  this 
fine  Sunday  morning,  that  her  young  ladies 
ought  not  to  be  walking  around  a  wild-look 
ing  Sicilian  town  without  any  chaperon.  She 


LOST — TWO   YOUNG   LADIES  75 

soon  found  a  part  of  them  dreamily  picking 
flowers  on  the  ruins  of  a  great  rock-hewn 
Grecian  theatre,  and  together  they  all  went 
to  the  little  church  to  find  the  remaining 
two ;  but  service  was  just  over,  they  were 
not  there,  and,  it  was  soon  ascertained,  had 
not  returned  to  the  hotel. 

To  lose  the  location  of  any  two  or  any  one 
of  her  temporary  step-daughters  was  a  new 
and  painfully  startling  experience  to  Miss 
Jareds.  She  had  always  made  it  a  custom  to 
carry  them,  when  outside  the  range  of  vision, 
in  her  mind,  as  the  blindfolded  Paul  Morphy 
did  his  chessmen,  knowing  where  they  were 
about  as  well  as  if  she  could  see  them ;  but 
here  (or  rather  wThere  ?)  were  two  of  these, 
jumped  clear  off  the  board  and  tempora 
rily  unaccounted  for  in  a  primitive  foreign 
town ! 

Was  she  losing  her  mind?  Or  by  what 
mental  lapse  had  she  made  this  mistake  ? 
Some  chaperons,  she  mused,  would,  in  a  like 
situation,  have  wept ;  some  would  have  taken 
a  vacation  from  active  thought  in  a  giddy 
whirl  of  hysterics.  But  Miss  Jareds  was  not 


76  LOST — TWO   YOUNG   LADIES 

constituted  of  emotions.  She  merely  remem 
bered  the  bravery  of  her  great-grandfather, 
who,  when  the  ammunition  was  gone  at  Bun 
ker  Hill,  promptly  turned  his  musket  into  a 
cudgel  and  still  fought  the  foe.  And  she 
immediately  made  up  her  mind  to  have  the 
two  unlocated  young  ladies  back  under  her 
roof  before  the  sun  set,  or  to  declare  war  be 
tween  Italy  and  the  United  States  upon  her 
own  responsibility. 

She  called  together  those  who  still  re 
mained  to  her,  and  rendered  them  the  fol 
lowing  speech : 

"  Young  ladies,  two  of  our  number  have 
disappeared.  How  or  where  I  do  not  know. 
Whether  murdered  for  their  jewels,  capt 
ured  and  retained  for  their  personal  attrac 
tions,  or  imprisoned  for  ransom,  I  cannot  say. 
We  will  let  mere  conjecture  pass  for  the  pres 
ent.  The  young  ladies  are  lost.  They  are 
also  going  to  be  found,  animate  or  inanimate. 
Some  of  you  have  known  different  members 
of  the  Jareds  family  ?  You  can  inform  the 
others  if  said  family  is  in  the  habit  of  mean 
ing  what  it  says.  I  say  that  I  shall  search, 


LOST — TWO   YOUNG   LADIES  77 

personally  and  otherwise,  until  I  find  these 
young  ladies.  I  am  in  no  danger  of  being 
murdered  for  my  jewels,  captured  and  re 
tained  for  my  personal  attractions,  or  im 
prisoned  for  ransom.  They  all  know  as 
soon  as  they  look  at  me  that  I  am  neither 
handsome  nor  wealthy.  You  will,  during 
the  next  few  hours,  or  until  further  direc 
tions,  at  least,  all  remain  in  your  rooms. 
There  is  danger  in  the  outside  air,  and  I 
wish  you  to  take  as  little  of  it  as  possible 
this  afternoon.  Disperse.  Adieu!" 

This  concise  speech,  delivered  in  words  as 
regularly  sounded  as  the  clicks  of  a  ratchet 
on  some  windlass,  was  received  in  solemn  si 
lence  by  the  fear-stricken  young  ladies.  When 
they  arrived  in  their  shabby  little  apartments 
and  looked  out  on  Nature  smiling  at  them 
through  the  window  from  green  hill -tops 
and  yellow  orange  -  groves,  they  mused, 
scolded,  or  wept,  according  to  their  different 
dispositions.  Most  of  them,  however,  fell 
back  on  dainty  stationery,  with  monograms 
and  extinct  coats  of  arms  at  the  top  of  each 
page,  and  commenced  writing  blood-stained 


78  LOST — TWO   YOUNG    LADIES 

accounts  of  the  affair  to  friends  at  home. 
Miss  Jareds,  having  seen  all  her  precious 
charges  under  the  lock  and  key  of  her  some 
what  metallic  tongue,  took  the  brigandish 
young  landlord  as  an  interpreter  and  started 
away  in  a  search  for  the  authorities. 

She  decided  that  the  first  best  thing  to  do 
would  be  to  find  somebody  that  correspond 
ed  to  the  mayor  or  something  (there  was  no 
United  States  consul  in  the  little  village) 
and  get  him  to  set  the  entire  constabulary 
force  of  the  town  at  finding  her  girls.  But 
nobody  was  home  ;  the  officials  of  the  small 
town  had  got  through  mending  the  ways  of 
their  subjects  and  were  employing  the  after 
noon  in  breaking  the  Sabbath. 

As  Miss  Jareds  was  disconsolately  but  still 
resolutely  on  her  way  back  to  the  hotel,  the 
young  innkeeper  promising,  with  altogether 
too  many  graceful  gesticulations  and  un 
called-for  remarks,  that  he  would  help  her 
by  every  method  possible,  they  met — what 
one  might  suppose  the  "  duenna "  would 
rather  see  at  that  moment  than  any  other 
kind  of  a  person  in  the  world — a  regular, 


LOST — TWO   YOUNG   LADIES  79 

skilful,  practised,  shrewd,  determined,  suc 
cessful  American  detective. 

This  man,  however,  Miss  Jareds  had  met 
too  often  to  make  his  appearance  an  un 
mixed  pleasure,  even  at  this  solemn  time. 
She  had  a  romance  in  her  life,  as  rose-vines 
will  sometimes  clamber  into  the  dreariest 
of  fields.  This  romance  was  a  very  unwel 
come  one,  and,  like  the  villain  in  the  lyric, 
still  pursued  her.  Its  name  was  Billetts,  and 
it  had  known  her  from  when  she  was  a 
fresh-cheeked  young  girl,  at  which  time  it 
loved  her  in  vain ;  for  the  man  was  not  of 
good  descent,  or  of  any  possible  descent  in 
deed,  having  had  an  uncle  and  a  grandfather 
hanged,  and  several  other  relatives  whom 
the  authorities  would  have  been  happy  to 
accommodate  in  the  same  manner  if  the 
right  to  do  so  could  have  been  exactly 
proven.  It  made  not  much  difference  that 
Billetts  had  always  been  a  passably  good 
citizen,  and  was  trying  to  undo  some  of  his 
forefathers'  bad  work  by  toiling  industri 
ously  in  the  thief  -  catching  business  ;  the 
Jaredses  all  had  an  opinion  that  "  murder 


80  LOST — TWO   YOUNG   LADIES 

would  out "  some  time,  in  family  lines  as 
well  as  elsewhere ;  and  although  William,  or 
"  Billy  "  Billetts,  as  he  was  generally  called, 
was  the  only  male  human  that  had  ever  in 
any  manner  touched  the  spinster's  heart, 
she  was  resolutely  determined  never,  never 
to  wed  him. 

But  Billetts  was  as  determined  and  perse 
vering  in  social  as  in  professional  matters; 
he  had  laid  the  mental  foundation  of  his 
life  with  view  to  the  superstructure  of  a 
marriage  with  Bathsheba  Jareds;  and  the 
rosy  -  cheeked,  auburn -haired  maiden  could 
not  be  erased  from  his  memory  by  the 
sponge  of  a  little  time  or  the  wrinkles  of  a 
few  years. 

Notwithstanding  all  the  above-mentioned 
truths,  Miss  Jareds  was  on  the  whole  glad 
to-day  to  see  Billy  Billetts,  detective,  and  she 
rushed  to  him  entreatingly.  "  Oh,  Mr.  Bil 
letts,"  groaned  she ;  "  I  have  been  robbed  of 
two  young  ladies  !  They  were  abducted  and 
carried  away  for  ransom,  I  am  sure !  And 
they  will  be  put  into  a  cave  somewhere  and 
have  their  ears  cut  off  by  inches  and  sent  to 


LOST — TWO   YOUNG   LADIES  81 

friends  by  mail  a  little  at  a  time  until  large 
sums  of  money  are  paid !  What  will  their 
parents  say  ?  I  promised  to  keep  them  under 
my  eye  every  blessed  moment  of  the  time, 
and  here,  in  this  remote  corner  of  Sicily,  this 
terrible,  Heaven-forsaken  country  of  Heaven- 
forsaken  countries,  I  have  lost  them  !" 

William  Billetts  did  not  say  anything  at 
all  for  a  minute  or  two.  The  exhibit  of  Miss 
Jareds  excited  on  any  subject  whatever  was 
so  entirely  novel  that  it  at  first  of  itself  en 
grossed  his  attention.  But  the  entertainment 
was  not  a  very  long  one ;  she  soon  returned 
to  her  usual  intense  placidity. 

"  William  Billetts,  you  must  find  those  two 
girls  for  me  before  sunset !"  she  continued, 
calmly,  in  tones  that  did  not  vary  from  each 
other  as  much  as  so  many  teeth  in  a  comb. 

"Miss  Jareds,  you  must  remember  that  I 
am  in  the  middle  of  a  vacation,"  replied  the 
detective.  "  A  man  can't  work  all  the  time, 
any  more  than  a  machine.  Even  a  locomo 
tive  has  to  lay  up  once  in  a  while,  and  let  its 
fibres  adjust.  I'm  travellin'  for  pleasure." 

Miss  Jareds  knew  very  well  what  he  was 


82  LOST — TWO   YOUNG   LADIES 

travelling,  for,  and  let  the  knowledge  take  a 
peep  through  the  window  of  her  face.  His 
sturdy,  stolid,  sleuth-hound  nature  was  not 
able  to  let  go  the  idea  of  winning  her  any 
more  than  it  would  that  of  the  capture  of  a 
criminal.  She  had  been  aware,  through  most 
of  the  trip  thus  far,  that  he  was  shadowing 
her,  and  had  sometimes  felt  almost  like  a 
criminal  in  consequence. 

"  Are  you  trying  to  make  me  believe,  Mr. 
Billetts,''  she  rejoined,  with  the  same  sym 
metrical  tones  as  before,  "  that  you,  an  Amer 
ican  detective,  will  stand  still  and  see  two 
American  young  ladies  abducted  right  before 
your  very  eyes,  and  carried  off,  Heaven 
knows  where,  and  treated,  Heaven  knows 
how!— and  you  not  raise  a  hand  to  help 
them?" 

"  Miss  Jareds,"  replied  the  detective,  heart 
lessly  for  one  who  pretended  to  have  a  heart, 
"  these  two  American  young  ladies  never 
happened  to  be  placed  in  my  keeping,  and 
their  fathers  probably  wouldn't  speak  to  me 
on  the  street,  in  front  of  their  own  houses,  if 
they  happened  to  meet  me  there.  The  same 


LOST — TWO    YOUNG    LADIES  83 

objection  might  apply  to  the  young  ladies 
themselves.  And  if  these  same  fathers  had 
any  detective  work  to  do,  they  would  be  just 
as  apt  to  rush  off  and  employ  another  agency 
as  mine.  So  what  obligations  am  /  under 
to  take  up  the  case  ?" 

"  Then  I  will  hire  you  to  do  it,  you  selfish 
man !"  said  Miss  Jareds,  lowering  her  tone 
till  its  repression  almost  produced  the  same 
effect  as  a  shout.  "  What  do  you  charge  a 
day  for  your  distinguished  services?" 

"  An  affirmative  answer  to  the  question  I 
have  asked  you  twelve  different  times — eight 
by  letter  and  four  in  person,"  replied  the  de 
tective.  He  consulted  certain  memoranda 
which  he  had  on  cards  as  he  spoke. 

Miss  Jareds  thought  over  the  question  for 
what  seemed  to  her  a  long  time,  although  it 
was  scarcely  a  minute.  Here  was  a  man  she 
could  have  married  if  his  ancestors  had  been 
Jaredic,  so  to  speak  (or  rather  to  think),  if 
his  present  occupation  were  more  congenial 
to  her  own,  and  if  his  syntax  did  not  once  in 
a  while  take  a  sudden  twist  in  the  wrong 
direction.  There  existed,  certainly,  a  few 


84  LOST — TWO   YOUNG    LADIES 

congenialities  between  them,  and  her  up 
rightness  of  life  gave  her  no  fear  of  him  on 
account  of  his  occupation ;  of  course,  he  nev 
er  would  need  to  use  it  upon  her. 

And,  besides,  supposing  that  to  marry  him 
\was  really  to  throw  her  life  away,  were  there 
not  two  lives  here  in  the  balance — two  more 
than  lives — that  had  been  put  under  her  pro 
tection  ?  So  it  was  only  a  minute  before  she 
looked  William  Billetts  in  the  eye  and  re 
joined,  "  If  you  find  these  two  young  ladies 
before  the  setting  of  the  sun,  my  answer  to 
all  those  questions  will  be  yes,  and  a  Jareds 
will  become  a  Billetts  for  the  first  time  in 
history." 

The  detective  immediately  entered  the 
agreement  upon  one  of  his  cards,  and  said  : 

"  Since  we  are  to  work  together  in  life 
hereafter,  or  very  soon  hereafter,  Miss  Ja 
reds,  I  will  explain  to  you  my  methods.  I 
jot  them  down  as  follows :  Case,  mysterious 
disappearance  of  two  young  ladies ;  names, 
ages,  residences,  temperaments,  previous  at 
tachments  (if  any),  appearance,  and  any  gen 
eral  remarks  that  would  be  useful,  please  ?" 


LOST — TWO   YOUNG   LADIES  85 

Miss  Jareds  gave  him  his  information  in 
tones  as  rapid  and  uniform  as  the  click  of  a 
telegraph-instrument. 

"  The  next  card,"  resumed  Detective  Bil- 
letts,  "  will  contain  my  theory." 

"  What  do  you  want  of  a  theory  ?"  ejaculat 
ed  Miss  Jareds.  "  "What's  the  use  of  spend 
ing  any  time  on  theories  ?  All  you  need  to 
do  is  to  go  ahead  and  find  the  girls." 

Mr.  Billetts  laughed  compassionately. 
"You  are  not  a  natural  detective,  evident 
ly,"  he  said.  "  A  detective  never  does  any 
thing  till  he  has  a  theory." 

"  "Well,  then,  for  Heaven's  sake,  get  through 
with  your  theory  business  and  go  to  work 
and  find  the  girls !"  shouted  Miss  Jareds,  in 
her  half-whisper. 

"My  theory,"  continued  Mr.  Billetts,  jot 
ting  down  fragments  of  it  as  he  spoke, "  is  as 
follows :  these  two  girls  fell  in  love,  or  at 
least  was  very  much  impressed  or  "  mashed," 
as  they  call  it  just  now  in  the  States — " 

"  Do  speak  grammatically  and  leave  out 
the  slang  —  States  or  no  States!"  moaned 
Miss  Jareds. 


86  LOST — TWO   YOUNG    LADIES 

"  With  the  black  -  eyed  bandit  that  goes 
around  pinching  bad  music  out  of  an  old- 
fashioned  guitar,"  proceeded  Mr.  Billetts, 
with  no  apparent  consciousness  of  having 
been  interrupted.  "  He  was  around  here 
all  the  morning,  but  hasn't  been  in  sight 
for  the  last  three  hours.  He  met  these 
two  girls  at  or  near  the  little  church  there, 
and  has  coaxed  them  off  to  see  some  rare 
curiosity  or  other." 

Miss  Jareds  groaned.  "  Sight  -  seeing  on 
Sunday !"  she  murmured,  in  her  ghastliest 
voice. 

"And  the  curiosity  kept  getting  farther 
and  farther  away,  and  by-an'-by  they  come 
to  one  of  these  little  stone  huts,  and  the  curi 
osity,  you  know,  is  in  there,  and  in  they  go, 
and  the  two  girls  are  prisoners." 

"  Take  me  to  that  hut  immediately !" 
shouted  Miss  Jareds,  in  her  intense  whisper. 

"  I  will — in  theory,"  Mr.  Billetts  hastened 
to  reply.  "  We  haven't  got  there  yet,  but 
here  is  a  fellow  that  can  help  us  in  it." 

The  fellow  that  could  help  them  in  it 
was  a  miniature  milkman,  so  to  speak,  who 


LOST — TWO   YOUNG   LADIES  87 

had  brought  his  wares  to  town,  as  was  the 
custom  in  that  region,  in  the  persons  of  a 
score  or  two  of  goats,  which  animals  had  the 
advantage  of  aiding  him  in  showing  pur 
chasers  that  the  milk  was  absolutely  pure, 
and  could  on  necessity  even  skip  up  and 
down  stairways  to  be  milked.  He  had  grad 
ually,  in  different  parts  of  the  village,  de 
spoiled  all  these  little  animals  that  morning 
of  their  lacteal  treasures,  selling  the  proceeds 
as  he  did  so,  and  was  now  returning  to  his 
home  in  the  hills. 

"  Halloo,  colonel !"  exclaimed  Billetts,  walk 
ing  up  to  the  swarthy  merchant  of  fluid 
goods,  and  offering  his  hand.  "  Didn't  I 
see  you  in  New  York,  a  spell  ago  ?" , 

"New  Yorka,  onea  —  anno,"  replied  the 
other.  "  I  have  there  kept — a — pea-nuta — 
stand.  Boys  hitch  it  to  wagona.  Wagon 
go — it  go — pea-nuts  go.  Boys  eat  pea-nuts. 
Bad  country.  Come  home." 

"  Take  a  cigar,"  chuckled  Billetts.  "  Take 
two  of  'em.  Stick  one  in  your  pocket. 
How's  the  milk  business  here  ?" 

"  Yerra  bad,"  replied  the  other.     "  Now  I 


LOST — TWO   YOUNG   LADIES 

will  sell  ray  goats  if  I  could,  and  go  back  to 
America  again." 

"  I'm  a  milkman  myself,"  replied  the  de 
tective,  with  a  facility  of  romance  that 
made  color  meet  color  at  the  very  roots  of 
Miss  Jareds's  hair.  "  I  live  among  the  hills 
in  Connecticut.  I'm  agoin'  to  discharge 
my  cows  and  try  the  goat  plan.  S'posin'  I 
buy  your  little  animals  of  you  at  a  reason 
able  price  and  take  you  over  as  my  head 
man." 

The  Sicilian  goatherd  was  very  willing, 
and  named  reasonable  figures,  although  they 
sounded  rather  high  in  Italian  money.  But 
within  five  minutes  Mr.  Billetts  had  bought 
the  entire  plant,  engaged  his  overseer,  and 
paid  five  francs  down  to  bind  the  bargain. 
Miss  Jareds  looked  on  in  an  intense  and  new 
kind  of  wonder,  born  of  her  own  honesty 
and  sincerity.  "  How  will  he  ever  get  the 
animals  there  or  manage  them  when  he 
does  ?"  she  pondered.  "  Why  not  buy 
American  goats?  Why  not  gather  them 
up  in  the  outskirts  of  New  Haven,  Hartford, 
and  Boston  ?  Why—" 


LOST — TWO   YOUNG   LADIES  89 

"  But  there's  one  thing  bothers  me  a 
little,"  continued  Miss  Jareds's  prospective 
husband.  "  I've  no  musician." 

"  To  sell  our  milk  by  musica  ?"  inquired 
the  Sicilian,  wonderinglv. 

o   «/ 

"  Oh  yes,"  replied  our  theorist,  placidly, 
"  we  always  sell  milk  by  music  in  Connecti 
cut.  They  think  it  sweetens  the  cream,  you 
see.  Our  customers  wouldn't  buy  unless  we 
had  a  fellow  with  a  guitar  going  along  with 
us— a  fellow  that  could  play  and  sing." 

"My  cousin,  Giuseppe  Polyphemus  —  he 
could  do  that!"  interrupted  the  other,  glee 
fully.  "  He  that  did  sing  last  nighta." 

"Giuseppe  Polyphemus,"  repeated  the 
amateur  milkman,  writing  the  name  down 
on  one  of  his  cards  as  accurately  as  he  could. 
"  But  we  must  see  him  now — we  must  find 
him  quick." 

"  Come  with  me  up  the  hill.  I  go  past  that 
house  in  where  he  and  his  mother  do  live !" 
said  the  delighted  ex-pea-nut  vender.  "  You 
had  better  not  go,"  whispered  Billetts  to  Miss 
Jareds  as  the  little  procession  of  men  and 
animals  moved  for  the  hills. 


90  LOST — TWO   YOUNG   LADIES 

"But  indeed  I  shall,"  replied  Miss  Jareds, 
calmly.  "  I  shall  go  every  step  of  the  way, 
and  never  stop  going  until  those  two  girls 
are  found.  The  young  ladies  at  the  house 
are  safe  so  long  as  they  stay  in  their  rooms, 
and  that  they  will  probably  do.  So  let's  walk 
along,  and  immediately." 

The  detective  saw  that  there  was  a  very 
respectable  article  of  will  here,  and  submit 
ted,  although  with  reluctance. 

"  This  is  the  lady  I  am  to  marry,"  he  ex 
plained  to  the  prospective  overseer,  while  Miss 
Jareds  blushed  furiously.  "  She  wants  to  see 
the  guitar-tickler  before  we  engage  him." 

They  toiled  onward  and  up  a  hill,  where 
the  tyrant  Dionysus  had  once  led  a  savage 
army  of  Syracusans  in  the  middle  of  a  win 
ter's  night.  But  Miss  Jareds  cared  nothing 
just  then  for  history.  She  kept  her  mind  on 
those  two  girls,  and  would  have  walked  all 
the  way,  by  mere  force  of  will,  and  been  sick 
for  a  week  after ;  but  a  boy  and  donkey, 
whom  they  met  upon  the  road,  were  hired  to 
give  her  a  lift. 

"  It  is  a-here  my  cousin  Giuseppe  does  live." 


LOST — TWO   YOUNG   LADIES  91 

exclaimed  the  goatherd,  stopping  before  what 
might  be  called  a  stone  cottage.  "  Go  you 
in  and  see  him.  I  will  cdtaea  back  so  soon 
I  do  care  for  my  goats." 

They  knocked,  and  were  met  at  the  door 
by  an  old  Sicilian  woman  with  gray  hair, 
gray  brows,  and  eyes  as  black  as  any  sloe 
that  Europe  ever  raised.  The  little  room 
contained  the  rudest  kind  of  furniture,  which, 
however,  did  not  include  a  guitar  or  Giusep 
pe.  Amid  the  rude  and  characteristic  things 
were  some  incongruous  ones,  showing  that 
the  world  has  at  last  grown  very  small  in 
deed.  Among  these  were  a  Yankee  dollar- 
clock  from  Massachusetts  and  a  can  of  kero 
sene-oil,  in  one  corner,  from  Pittsburg,  Penn 
sylvania.  Travellers  often  find  these  little 
property  -  disappointments  in  obscure,  far 
away  places  nowadays. 

But  the  detective  saw  still  more.  As  near 
the  wall  as  he  could  get,  and  peering  out  of 
the  window,  with  face  turned  from  the  new 
comers,  was  an  old  man.  There  was  some 
thing  in  his  attitude  and  lack  of  gesture  that 
convinced  the  detective  that  this  party  was 


92  LOST — TWO   YOUNG   LADIES 

an  American,  but  did  not  wish  to  be  known 
as  such.  He  walked  close  to  the  stranger, 
and  touched  him  jauntily  on  the  shoul 
der. 

("  Without  an  introduction !"  moaned  Miss 
Jareds,  in  her  mind.  "  How  informal  the 
Billettses  always  are !") 

"  Why,  halloo,  my  fellow  -  countryman  !" 
exclaimed  the  detective,  now  convinced  that 
he  was  right.  "  I've  met  you  before,  I'm 
sure !" 

"You  are  mistaken,  sir,"  replied  the  old 
gentleman,  coldly,  rising  to  his  full  height 
and  standing  somehow  as  if  there  were 
a  partition  and  a  window  between  them. 
"  I  am  not  an  American.  I  am  an  Eng 
lishman,  who  has  decided  to  spend  the  re 
mainder  of  his  life  in  these  regions,  where 
the  people,  though  simple  and  rude,  appre 
ciate  worth — " 

"And  also  the  extra  money  you  brought 
with  you  from  the  bank  the  night  you  re 
signed  as  cashier,"  interrupted  Billetts,  look 
ing  on  a  card  which  he  took  from  some  con 
cealed  pocket.  "  When  did  you  come  out  of 


LOST — TWO    YOUNG    LADIES  93 

the  interior  of  the  country;  and  how  soon  do 
you  expect  to  go  back  '\  "Wanted — a  default 
er  from  Baltimore,  Maryland — 

The  old  gentleman  shrank  back  from  the 
imaginary  partition  and  window,  crouching 
down  as  if  he  would  hide  forever  from  the 
look  of  man.  "  For  Heaven's  sake,  sir,  if  you 
have  been  pursuing  me,"  he  moaned,  "  give 
up  the  idea  and  return  without  me  !  I  am 
a  poor  old  man,  without  one  friend  in  the 
world,  except  these  simple  people,  whom  I 
have  treated  justly,  and  who  love  me,  with 
all  my  faults  and  theirs.  I  was  honest  for  a 
good  many  years — nobody  more  so.  I  han 
dled  millions  upon  millions  of  dollars  before 
I  ever  thought  of  stealing  a  cent.  But  some 
how  my  stock  of  probity  must  have  gradual 
ly  become  used  up,  and  all  at  once  I  found 
that  I  had  stolen — when  I  did  not  know ! 
There  was  a  deficit  of  a  hundred  thousand 
dollars ;  nobody  could  have  been  to  blame  but 
me — and — I  fled — fled  in  a  kind  of  panic  and 
daze,  both  together.  But,  before  Heaven,  I 
have  none  of  the  money  with  me !  I  cannot 
be  dragged  back  into  the  courts  and  the 


94  LOST — TWO   YOUNG   LADIES 

jails !  All  my  family  and  my  old  acquaint 
ances  think  I  am  dead,  and  I  must  not  be 
resurrected  into  an  ignominious  life !  It 
would  more  than  kill  me,  sir — much  more 
than  kill  me !"  .. 

The  detective,  having  seen  Miss  Jareds 
seated,  took  for  his  own  use  another  primi 
tive  chair,  and  contemplated  the  old  gentle 
man  with  a  stony  but  cheerful  calmness. 
The  maiden  lady,  who  felt  that  afternoon 
shadows  were  every  moment  growing  longer 
as  traces  of  her  young  ladies  grew  slighter, 
repressed  with  difficulty  a  half  -  hysterical 
desire  to  fly  at  the  old  man  and  see  if  he 
had  also  embezzled  her  young  ladies  and 
concealed  them  upon  his  person.  The  Sicil 
ian  woman  stood  in  a  corner,  trying  to  ex 
tract  a  single  word  that  she  could  understand 
from  this  strange  dialogue. 

"  You  must,  must,  must  let  me  go!"  pleaded 
the  old  man,  tears  dripping  between  the  thin 
white  fingers  that  covered  his  face.  "  It  is 
so  easy  for  you  to  do  it,  and  so  hard  for  me 
not  to  have  you." 

The  detective  said  nothing.     He  was  look- 


LOST — TWO    YOUNG    LADIES  95 

ing  at  his  cards — a  new  set,  extracted  from 
still  another  pocket. 

"  I  will  give  you  every  cent  of  the  little  I 
have,  none  of  which  I  stole,"  still  moaned 
the  old  man.  "  You  could  never  find  it  else ; 
nobody  could.  But  I  will  dig  it  up  and  give 
it  to  you — only  let  me  go !" 

The  Sicilian  woman  had  perhaps  caught 
some  word  or  divined  a  truth  about  there 
being  money  in  the  case.  She  advanced  a 
step,  leaned  her  head  forward,  and  listened, 
even  with  her  black  eyes. 

"  Oh,  I  have  been  so  lonely !"  still  sobbed 
the  old  man.  "  There  were  sometimes  years 
that  I  did  not  see  the  face  of  an  American ! 
Then  I  would  disguise  myself  as  well  as  I 
could  and  go  down  to  the  hotels  and  watch 
till  I  found  one,  and  lurk  around  and  look  at 
him,  but  never  dared  to  speak  to  one.  A 
few  times  I  have  seen  the  faces  of  old  friends 
—  or  who  used  to  be  my  friends.  Some 
times — 

There  is  no  knowing  how  long  this  dreary 
monologue  might  have  continued ;  but  Miss 
Jareds,  in  the  midst  of  a  feeling  of  deep  pity 


96  LOST TWO    YOUNG    LADIES 

for  the  aged  culprit,  mingled  with  abhorrence 
of  his  crime,  could  not  help  feeling  that  lis 
tening  to  an  old  man's  tale  of  woe  had  noth 
ing  to  do  with  saving  two  young  ladies  from 
worse.  She  rose  and  started  for  the  door. 

"  Sit  down,"  said  Billetts,  quietly,  but  con 
clusively.  "He  is  a  finger-post.  He  will 
guide  us  to  the  young  ladies." 

"  And  now,  will  you,  will  you  let  me  go?" 
asked  the  old  defaulter,  piteously,  looking 
up  half  hopefully. 

"  Upon  one  condition,"  replied  the  detec 
tive.  "  Here  are  the  names  of  two  young 
girls  who  have  been  decoyed  away  from 
this  lady's  party,  probably  by  a  villain  whom 
you  know.  Find  them  for  us  before  night 
and  you  are  still  free ;  otherwise — " 

"  I  will  find  them,  I  will  find  them !"  ex 
claimed  the  old  man,  so  eagerly  and  genu 
inely  that  Miss  Jareds's  heart  gave  a  jump. 
"  Tell  me  the  particulars,  and  I  will  get  them 
for  you  if  they  are  in  Sicily !"  he  almost 
shouted. 

Billetts  gave  him  the  particulars,  so  far  as 
he  cared  to,  and  concluded  with  the  sentence, 


LOST — TWO    YOUNG    LADIES  97 

"  Now  you  must  first  find  Giuseppe  Polly- 
polly-phemus  for  us,  and  that  very  quick." 

The  old  gentleman  had  a  hurried  conver 
sation  with  the  detective  and  then  with  the 
black-eyed  woman,  her  part  of  which  was 
accompanied  with  more  gestures  than  Miss 
Jareds  had  herself  made  during  the  current 
year.  "  Giuseppe  is  not  here,"  he  said  to  the 
detective,  "  and  has  not  been  since  yesterday 
morning.  His  mother  does  not  want  you 
to  get  him  to  leave  this  country  and  her, 
and  is  not  kind.  We  had  better  set  forth 
at  once  and  search  for  him.  I  will  go  with 
you  this  minute." 

Just  as  he  spoke  the  door  opened  to  admit 
the  very  man  they  wanted  to  see — Signer  Pol 
yphemus —  accompanied  by  the  goat -milk 
man.  The  improvisatore  did  not  seem  at  all 
like  a  kidnapper ;  he  was  meek  and  smiling, 
and  carried  his  guitar  in  something  that 
looked  like  a  goat-skin  bag.  The  detective 
took  him  aside  immediately,  repressing  with 
a  look  Miss  Jareds's  frantic  desire  to  search 
him  for  young  ladies. 

"  I  have  no  doubt  your  cousin  has  told 


98  LOST TWO    YOUNG    LADIES 

you  the  office  I  mean  to  give  you,"  he  said, 
in  a  mysterious  half-undertone.  "  It  will  be 
a  million  of  francs  in  your  pocket.  Soon 
you  can  come  back  home,  and  live  without 
work  all  the  rest  of  your  life." 

"  That  I  will  do  !"  replied  the  other,  with 
delight.  "  The  Avork  of  my  life  it  is  to  live 
without  work.  I  will  go  with  you.  Oh, 
and  when  do  we  sail  ?" 

"As  soon  as  we  get  our  company  all  to 
gether,"  replied  Billetts,  with  a  cunning  in 
his  manner  which  almost  made  Miss  Jareds 
forget  his  duplicity.  "  Two  of  them  are  out 
calling  somewhere ;  you  will  have  to  find 
them  for  us." 

Miss  Jareds  with  great  suffering  repressed 
a  desire  to  shout  at  him,  "  Yes,  produce  them 
instantly,  you  villain  of  villains !"  but  re 
mained  silent  under  the  tyranny  of  circum 
stances. 

"I  will  find  them,  sir ;  they  shall  be  at  the 
place  soon !"  exclaimed  the  improvisatore, 
joyfully.  "  Trust  it  me !  Good-bye  !" 

"And  now  we  will  go  back  to  the  hotel," 
said  Billetts,  cheerfully.  "  We  will  all  walk 


LOST — TWO   YOUNG    LADIES  99 

together,  except  our  venerable  friend  here, 
the  mother  of  my  orchestra." 

"/  had  rather  not  go,  sir,"  pleaded  the 
old  man ;  "  I  will  help  you  all  I  can  other 
wise — " 

"  Oh,  but  you  must  step  along  with  us !" 
insisted  Billetts.  "  You  are  a  part  of  the 
staff  now,  and  I  must  know  where  to  put 
my  hand  on  you." 

"  So  is  that  rascal  of  a  guitar-player  part 
of  your  staff,  but  you'll  have  work  to  find 
him  when  you  want  him,"  thought  Miss 
Jareds.  They  started  down  the  hill  tow 
ard  the  hotel,  pursued  at  a  distance  by  the 
mother  Sicilian,  who,  it  seemed  to  Miss 
Jareds,  was  endeavoring  to  shout  some 
thing  very  bad  and  improper  at  her  fellow- 
pedestrians. 

"  Now  what  in  the  world  are  you  trying 
to  do  ?"  inquired  the  travelling  chaperon, 
speaking  to  the  detective  in  a  low  but  in 
tense  tone. 

"This  is  the  theory,"  replied  Billetts: 
"this  string -band  and  choir  all  in  one  has 
evidently  decoyed  these  young  ladies  away 


100  LOST — TWO    YOUNG    LADIES 

somewhere.  If  he  is  keepin'  them  for  ran 
som  he  can't  hope  to  make  half  as  much  out 
of  them,  even  unlawfully,  as  I  am  baiting 
him  with.  He  thinks  he  has  not  shown 
them  his  hand  so  fully  but  he  can  yet  con 
vince  them  that  it  is  all  a  mistake,  and 
as  much  theirs  as  his.  You  will  see  the 
girls  the  first  thing  when  you  get  to  the 
hotel." 

And  she  did.  They  were  placidly  strolling 
along  in  front  of  the  "  Mazzini,"  but  no  Sicil 
ian  was  with  them.  Instead  were  the  Dole- 
beers,  of  Boston,  a  family  of  unquestionable 
respectability  and  against  whom  no  one  could 
entertain  the  least  suspicion  of  abducting 
young  ladies.  It  seemed  they  had  come  on 
by  a  late  train,  and  were  stopping  at  another 
hotel  than  that  which  held  the  Jareds  ex 
cursion  party. 

"  We  ran  across  our  intimate  friends 
here,"  chirped  one  of  the  youthful  maidens 
when  the  hurried  introductions  were  over, 
"  and  took  a  walk  with  them.  "We  knew  it 
was  against  the  rules,  but  our  friends  said 


LOST TWO    YOUNG    LADIES  101 

they  would  make  our  excuses.  Are  we  ex 
cused  ?'' 

Miss  Jareds  displayed  a  large  assortment 
of  colors  in  her  thoughtful  face.  She  hard 
ly  knew  whether  she  was  glad  of  the  young 
ladies'  preservation  or  not  if  it  had  to  be 
effected  so  entirely  outside  the  regular  meth 
ods.  But  she  seemed  to  relent  for  the  time. 
The  goatherd  stood  in  an  impromptu  stupor, 
trying  to  understand  it  all.  The  detective 
was  engaged  in  gathering  up  the  remains 
of  his  theory  and  burying  them  decently 
in  the  disturbed  soil  of  his  mind.  The  old 
black-eyed  mother  of  musicians  was  several 
rods  away — near  as  she  dared  be — bombard 
ing  William  Billetts  with  expletives  in  the 
Sicilian  dialect.  The  aged  bank  -  defaulter 
crouched  behind  a  half -ruined  statue  that 
stood  near-by  and  peered  hungrily  at  the 
Dolebeers.  The  other  young  ladies  of  Miss 
Jareds's  party  had  left  their  rooms  and  come 
out  in  the  open  air  by  twos  and  threes. 

The  poor  old  exile  financier  suddenly 
rushed  from  behind  the  ruined  statue,  ran 
feebly  to  Mrs.  Dolebeer,  and  opened  his  arms. 


102  LOST — TWO   YOUNG   LADIES 

"  I  do  not  care  what  becomes  of  me,"  he 
shouted,  hoarsely,  "  so  that  I  hold  my  daugh 
ter  once  more  in  my  grasp !  Oh,  my  sweet 
child,  you  must  forgive  me  for  my  crime 
just  one  minute  and  love  me  as  you  used  to 
years  ago !" 

At  this  Mrs.  Dolebeer  burst  into  tears — 
an  example  that  was  promptly  followed 
with  variations  by  several  of  the  young 
ladies  present,  most  of  whom  had  fathers 
in  various  states  of  preservation — and  clung 
around  her  long-lost  progenitor's  neck  in  a 
way  that  threatened  to  strangle  him  upon 
alien  soil.  She  immediately  began  saying  a 
lot  of  things  to  him  among  her  affectionate 
sobs,  which  nobody  could  understand  any 
more  than  if  she  had  been  a  native  of  the 
locality.  Her  husband  finally  acted  as  in 
terpreter. 

"  Your  crime  was  nothing  but  a  mistake 
in  arithmetical  addition,  our  good  father," 
he  said.  "  You  were  fully  vindicated  with 
in  six  hours  after  you  left  home ;  you  were 
hunted  for,  advertised  for,  and  then  every 
body  gave  you  up  as  dead,  except  this  queer, 


LOST TWO    YOUNG    LADIES  103 

or  rather  dear,  girl,  who  coaxed  me  to  travel 
round  the  world  with  her  in  one  more  search. 
She  will  not  care  about  going  any  farther, 
and  Pm  not  a  natural  tourist.  You  will 
return  with  us  to  Baltimore,  be  welcomed 
by  your  family,  your  old  club,  all  the  rest  of 
your  friends,  and,  I  hope,  have  a  good  time 
the  remainder  of  your  life." 

This  was  such  an  electric  shock  that  the 
old  man  fainted — an  example  that  was  very 
nearly  followed  by  two  or  three  young  la 
dies  of  the  company.  Miss  Jareds,  however, 
did  not  faint,  neither  did  the  old  black-eyed 
Sicilian  woman,  who  approached  a  little 
nearer  and  howled  an  entirely  new  series  of 
anathemas.  A  large  crowd  of  natives  gath 
ered  round.  Through  the  midst  of  them 
pushed  Giuseppe  Polyphemus,  the  improvisa- 
tore,  accompanied  by  an  official,  or  some  one 
who  assumed  that  role;  and  they  dragged 
between  them  two  new  American  young 
ladies  that  Miss  Jareds  had  never  seen  be 
fore  ! 

"  Here  be  these  two  girls  I  think  what  has 
gone  to  call  somewhere,  out  of  your  partie," 


104  LOST — TWO    YOUNG    LADIES 

he  shouted,  cheerfully  though  breathlessly, 
to  Billetts.  "  They  do  not  like  to  come,  but 
I  have  make  them  do  so.  Shall  we  then 
zail  to-morrow  for  America  ?" 

"It  has  been  a  pretty  hard  day,"  said 
Billetts  to  Miss  Jareds  that  evening  when  he 
had  got  everything  arranged — having  paid 
another  five  francs  to  the  goatherd  to  still 
further  bind  the  bargain,  and  told  him  to  keep 
the  animals  till  he  called  for  them  (which 
he  will  probably  not  do  during  the  present 
century) ;  having  paid  the  improvisatore 
five  francs  for  finding  two  young  ladies  who 
had  nothing  to  do  with  the  affair  whatever, 
and  narrowly  escaped  assault  by  their  in 
dignant  brother ;  having  paid  the  old  Sicilian 
mother-of -guitarists  five  francs  for  her  exple 
tives,  at  a  small  fraction  of  a  centime  per 
word  ;  having  paid  the  fellow  who  posed  as 
an  official  five  francs  for  his  services  ;  having 
apologized,  explained,  and  cleaved  an  armis 
tice  in  the  little  war-cloud  which  hung  over 
the  half  -  desperate  village  ;  having  made 
all  his  arrangements  to  depart  for  Naples, 


LOST — TWO   YOUNG   LADIES  105 

Borne,  Havre,  New  York,  Boston,  and  Mid- 
dlewitch  Massachusetts,  by  the  first  train 
in  the  morning.  "  I  know  I  did  not  win  you 
according  to  our  bargain,"  he  continued, 
"  but  I  tried  my  best,  and  shall  continue  to 
do  so  still."  And  Miss  Jareds  almost  gave 
him  an  appreciable  pressure  of  the  hand  as 
he  took  leave  of  her. 

"How  fortunate,  dear  father,"  murmured 
Mrs.  Dolebeer  the  same  evening,  "  that  the 
detective  found  you  up  there  !  We  took  his 
address  and  shall  reward  him,  and  every 
body  concerned.  To  be  sure,  as  you  say, 
they  did  the  right  thing,  as  you  did  the 
wrong,  unconsciously ;  but  they  were  all 
working  their  best  for  humanity,  and  must 
be  rewarded." 

"  Don't  you  ever  breathe  a  word  to  any 
body  about  it  on  any  account,"  whispered 
one  of  the  young  ladies  who  had  made  so 
much  excitement,  to  her  room-mate  that 
night.  "  But  that  handsome  fellow  with 
the  guitar  did  meet  us  just  outside  the 


106  LOST — TWO   YOUNG   LADIES 

cathedral  this  morning,  and  did  ask  us  to  go 
down  to  the  shore  and  say  he  would  sing  for 
us,  and  did  get  us  into  a  boat,  and  did  row 
us  away  into  one  of  those  caves  under  the 
cliffs  on  the  shore  and  sing  a  little  while — 
too  lovely  -  divine  for  anything,  too  —  and 
then  proposed  to  loth  of  us,  and  said  he 
understood  he  could  have  as  many  wives  as 
he  wished  in  America — and  3 en.  just  enjoyed 
it,  but  /  didn't ;  and  when  we  both  refused 
him,  he  threatened  to  keep  us  there  on  mac 
aroni  and  water  till  we  consented,  and,  just 
as  we  were  getting  ready  to  cry,  the  Dole- 
beers  came  in  there  with  their  boat  and  a 
boatman,  and  we  asked  them  to  let  us  go 
with  them,  and  so  we  transferred  to  their 
boat,  and  he  left  in  a  hurry,  and  wre  made 
the  Dolebeers  promise  never  to  tell  anybody 
of  it;  and  you  won't,  will  you  now,  for  ever 
and  ever,  dear  ?" 

And  of  course  all  of  them  kept  their  word ; 
but  the  whole  party  were  talking  it  over 
before  they  arrived  at  Messina. 


THE   ONE-KING  CIRCUS 


THE  ONE -KING  CIKCUS 


THE  Spectacular  Kegulative  Society  of 
White  River  Academy  had  its  uses  ;  but  this 
story  wishes  to  be  understood  as  strongly  dis 
approving  of  similar  organizations,  however 
much  they  claim  or  appear  to  be  needed. 

The  S.  R.  S.  was  an  effort  to  systematize 
and  regulate  those  tempests  of  taste  and  tor 
rents  of  feeling  so  likely  to  be  displayed  when 
ever  several  students  are  in  an  audience,  and 
which  are  so  liable  to  produce  interruptions 
when  anything  displeasing  occurs. 

The  organization  numbered  fully  a  score 
and  a  half  more  or  less  conceited  young  fel 
lows  who  expected  some  day  to  be  lawyers, 
physicians,  clergymen,  etc.,  etc.,  and  was  good 
for  quite  a  number  of  impromptu  recruits 
whenever  an  unexpected  village  war  broke 
out  that  affected  student  interests.  And  al- 


110  THE   ONE-RING    CIRCUS 

though  these  young  fellows  were  conceited, 
they  were  for  the  most  part  steady  and  self- 
reliant,  being  from  farms,  shops,  and  logging- 
camps  ;  and  they  were  good  for  a  rough-and- 
tumble  fight  at  any  time  it  was  necessary 
and  could  not  possibly  be  avoided. 

The  village  "marshal,"  who  was  the  only 
professional  policeman  in  the  place,  was  the 
not -altogether -Roman  father  of  one  of  the 
members  of  the  S.  R.  S.,  and  was  frequently 
not  present  when  the  town  wanted  him  to 
help  it  as  opposed  to  the  gown. 

So,  although  it  was  rather  an  absurd  state 
of  things,  few  secular  assemblies  ever  felt  hap 
py  during  their  entire  existence  unless  they 
conformed  to  the  rules  of  this  eccentric  organ 
ization,  some  of  which  were  as  follows : 

"No  lecture  shall  exist  more  than  two  hours 
at  a  time. 

' "  No  political  speech  can  go  on  at  one  time 
longer  than  fifteen  minutes  without  the  in 
troduction  of  an  appropriate  story. 

"Whenever  an  anecdote  is  publicly  told 
that  has  already  been  exploited  in  this  town, 
the  society  shall  arise  in  their  places  and 


THE   ONE-EING   CIRCUS  111 

hold  two  or  more  fingers  each  aloft,  which 
shall  signify, '  "We  have  heard  this  once  or 
oftener  before.' 

"  Every  circus  must  make  at  least  a  trace 
able  resemblance  to  all  the  pictures  upon  its 
posters  before  being  allowed  to  leave  town. 

"  ISTo  masculine  elocutionist  shall  knowing 
ly  be  permitted  to  read  any  'little  thing  of 
my  own,'  or  attempt  to  improve  upon  the 
language  of  established  authors. 

"  Every  lady  reader,  displaying  whatever 
degree  of  efficiency  or  non-efficiency,  shall  be 
applauded  by  the  cheering  of  the  society  for 
at  least  ten  seconds  after  her  attempt  becomes 
a  joy  of  the  past.  She  shall  also  be  encored 
twice  during  the  evening. 

"  No  brass  band  is  allowed  to  interpret  or 
manipulate  the  air  of  any  song  that  has  been 
popular  for  the  past  six  months. 

"  JSTot  more  than  half  the  recitations  of  any 
male  elocutionist  shall  be  in  poetry. 

"  All  sleight-of-hand  performers  shall  first 
submit  to  the  sleeve-gartering  committee. 

"  Dramatic  companies  shall  be  allowed  to 
use  once  only  during  the  evening  the  follow- 


112  THE   ONE-KING    CIRCUS 

ing  sentences :  '  Villain !  I  have  found  you !' 
'  Thus  do  I  fling  you  off !'  '  The  die  is  cast, 
and  we  are  now  enemies  forever !'  '  I  must 
dissemble !'  '  Farewell,  but  we  shall  meet 
again !'  and  any  other  one  of  a  list  of  thirty 
stock  sentences,  which  will  be  furnished  on 
application  to  committee. 

"  No  person  not  a  member  of  the  associa 
tion  shall  presume  to  hiss  any  performance, 
whether  good,  bad,  or  indifferent,  under  pen 
alty  of  being  propelled  from  the  hall." 

Etc.,  etc.,  etc. 

These  rules  were  claimed  to  have  done  a 
great  deal,  in  their  time,  toward  introducing 
a  correct  variety  of  entertainments  into  the 
little  village;  and  members  of  the  associa 
tion  professed  never  to  exactly  understand 
why  the  Faculty  of  their  beloved  institution 
finally  abolished  their  beloved  society.  But 
it  was  in  full  force  and  at  the  very  zenith  of 
efficacy  when  Dirk  Duckworth's  Great  In 
ternational  Before  -  crowned  -  heads  Circus 
came  into  the  town  one  day,  dug  a  ring  in 
the  grass,  and  planted  itself  upon  the  semi- 
barren  surface  of  a  vacant  lot. 


THE   ONE-KING   CIRCUS  113 

Notwithstanding  the  brilliant  name  of  this 
nomadic  institution  of  public  entertainment 
and  instruction,  it  proved  to  be  a  very  aged 
and  humble  member  of  the  tent  fraternity. 
When  the  Spectacular  Regulative  Society, 
after  walking  in  the  darkness  half  a  mile 
through  a  rain-threatening  mist,  paid  their 
"  quarters  "  and  took  hard  seats  on  certain 
small  hill-sides  of  boards  that  had  been  reared 
for  the  purpose,  they  found  that  the  tent  was 
as  old  as  if  the  material  had  been  used  for 
awnings  on  the  ark,  and  that  it  had  been 
patched  until  the  original  material  seemed  al 
most  aristocratic  in  its  dinginess.  Dim  lamps 
burned  here  and  there,  whose  every  flicker 
preached  economy.  The  band  played  a  num 
ber  of  good  old  tunes,  in  so  doleful  and  unde 
sirable  a  fashion  as  to  go  far  toward  explain 
ing  the  fact  that  most  composers  of  music  die 
young.  Everything  was  old — old — old ;  the 
Gospel  of  Novelty  seemed  far  away,  cavort 
ing  in  some  great  three  or  four  ringed  circus 
maximus,  more  in  accord  with  these  great, 
gaudy  head-line  times.  This  show  was  evi 
dently  part  of  the  driftwood  of  old  days. 


114  THE   ONE-RING    CIRCUS 

The  ticket-seller,  the  doorkeeper,  the  guards, 
all  were  so  meek  and  lowly  that  it  was  evi 
dent  the  establishment  was  in  any  depth  of 
financial  quagmire.  It  was  a  circus  of  the 
daddies  come  again,  and  the  society  took  only 
the  fraction  of  a  minute  to  decide  that  the 
affair  was  going  to  be  bad  enough  to  be  good. 

"  Lad's  an'  Gen'lera<m  /  "  the  ring-master 
was  saying,  "  the  next  performance  will  be 
that  of  Mr.  Waterloo  de  Gar  mo,  who  will 
introduce  his  great  blood-curdling  feat  of 
riding  at  the  same  time  two  horses,  bare 
backed,  saddleless,  and  bridleless !" 

The  ring-master  had  in  one  sense  an 
athletic  voice  ;  it  leaped  upward  and  down 
ward  along  the  vocal  gamut  with  perfect 
impunity,  and  the  ear  did  not  know  where 
it  was  going  to  appear  next ;  but  he  never 
forgot  the  professional  die-away  prolonga 
tion  of  the  last  syllable  of  his  sentences. 

Professor  Waterloo  de  Garmo  was  a  mild- 
looking  but  disreputable  man,  in  dingy 
tights  and  tarnished  spangles.  He  had  evi 
dently  already  done  most  of  his  circus-riding ; 
was  a  little  past  middle  age,  and  had  appar- 


THE   ONE-EING    CIECUS  115 

ently  not  scaled  any  very  high  salary  lists, 
for  some  time.  Besides,  there  was  an  air 
of  good-natured  fatigue  about  him,  which 
looked  as  if  he  had  been  recently  reducing 
the  spirit  tonnage  of  the  neighborhood. 

The  society  evidently  considered  it  nec 
essary  to  encourage  De  Garmo  in  every 
possible  way,  and  gave  him  all  sorts  of  ath 
letic  advice,  addressing  him  as  "Peasley," 
which  one  of  them  loudly  declared  was  his 
real  name.  The  horses  were  meek-looking 
old  fellows,  who  loped  about  with  an  air  as 
if  they  were  in  the  trucking  line  or  some 
thing  of  the  sort ;  and  all  the  petty  artillery 
of  the  ring-master's  whip  could  not  rouse 
them  to  any  bursts  of  speed.  "  Brace  up, 
Peasley !"  "  Step  off  and  go  afoot  or  you'll 
never  get  there,  old  man !"  "  Stop  those 
horses !"  "  There's  a  law  in  this  town 
against  fast  driving !"  "  How  long  is  this 
thing  wound  up  to  go  ?"  were  among  the 
not  particularly  bright  things  said  to  him. 

De  Garmo,  whom  the  boys  finally  began 
to  call  De  Garmo  Peasley,  was  too  easy- 
natured  to  furnish  very  good  food  for  fun  ;  he 


116  THE   ONE-KING   CIRCUS 

seemed  to  rather  enjoy  the  extra  attention 
that  was  being  thrown  at  him.  "  Good 
boys  ! "  he  shouted  more  than  once  ; 
"  wouldn't  I  jus'  like  (hie  !)  to  have  a  whole 
night  with  you !" 

This  seemed  to  strike  the  society  favora 
bly,  and  bagged  a  cheer.  But  the  ring-master, 
who  was  quite  sober  and  hence  cross,  com 
mitted  the  error  of  shaking  his  fist  at  the 
organization,  and  consequently  their  whole 
attention  was  concentrated  upon  him  ;  he 
was  immediately  christened  "  Wigs,"  in  allu 
sion  to  some  hirsute  additions  plainly  ap 
parent.  The  angrier  he  became  the  better- 
natured  as  a  whole  was  the  society  ;  and 
it  seemed  evident  that  the  "  master  "  would 
not  be  carried  through  to  the  end  of  the 
performance  on  flowery  beds  of  ease. 

"  Ladies  an'  gen'lemen"  he  shouted,  after 
the  convivial  De  Garmo  Peasley  had  face 
tiously  kissed  his  hand  to  the  audience  and 
disappeared — "Ladies  an'  t/^'lemen"  (with 
sarcastic  emphasis  on  the  last  word  and  a 
glance  at  the  society,  which  was  met  by  a 
howl  of  derision),  "the  next  performer  will 


THE   ONE-KING   CIKCUS  117 

be  Madame  Zoliska  Metropolitana,  the  worl'- 
famed  equestrienne,  who  will  perform  a  brill 
iant,  daring,  and  dashing  ride  upon  her  un 
tamed  steed  Bucephalus !" 

Bucephalus  looked  very  much  like  one  of 
the  team  with  which  De  Garmo  had  just 
been  slowly  and  industriously  ploughing  the 
ring,  and  as  if  there  would  never  be  any 
need  of  turning  him  away  from  his  shadow; 
but  was  now  equipped  with  a  broad  platform 
upon  his  back,  which  seemed  as  if  it  had  been 
abstracted  from  the  town  hay-scales.  One 
felt  that  the  Madame  possessed  upon  this 
domain  plenty  of  room  to  stand,  sit,  lie 
down,  dance,  keep  house,  and  receive  visitors. 
She  smiled  as  sweetly  as  her  mature  face 
would  permit,  managed  to  preserve  her  bal 
ance,  occasionally  ventured  to  stand  gingerly 
upon  one  foot,  and  looked  at  the  audience 
as  if  to  say,  "  Did  you  ever  expect  anything 
to  appear  in  this  village  quite  so  sweet- 
pretty,  so  agile,  and  so  altogether  impressive 
as  I  am  ?" 

It  is  due  the  society  to  say  that  Madame 
Metropolitana  was  treated  by  it  with  perfect 


118  THE   ONE-KING   CIECUS 

chivalry.  "Whatever  inextinguishable  laugh 
ter  may  have  raged  within,  there  appeared 
upon  the  surface  nothing  but  natural  kind 
ness  and  manufactured- while -you -wait  en 
thusiasm.  She  was  applauded,  delicately 
and  respectfully,  through  as  dreary  and 
commonplace  a  performance  as  was  ever 
seen  within  a  circus-ring ;  and  so  deftly  was 
the  praise  given,  and  so  exactly  at  the  right 
time,  that  the  poor  old  lady  rode  smiling 
back  into  the  ragged  little  dressing-room, 
feeling  that  she  had  compassed  one  of  the 
triumphs  of  her  life  —  such  as  she  used  to 
have  when  a  pretty  child  instead  of  a  poor 
old  rheumatic  woman. 

It  might  have  been  wished  that  equal  con 
sideration  could  have  awaited  the  clown,  a 
husky-voiced,  asthmatic  old  fellow,  who  tried 
to  be  merry  and  say  some  smart  things  as 
wittily  as  when  they  were  first  divulged  to 
the  public  scores  of  years  before.  But  all 
his  jokes  were  met  by  the  society  with  a 
stillness  that  was  tangible,  and  kept  silent 
the  few  other  people  present,  and  with  all 
the  fingers  of  the  hands  extended,  in  token 


THE   ONE-KING   CIRCUS  119 

that  they  had  heard  those  things  many  times 
before. 

The  words  of  the  ring-master,  however, 
whether  of  reproof  or  command,  to  his  dap 
pled  slave  were  met  with  the  most  hilarious 
shouts  of  laughter.  A  comic  song  which 
the  poor  harlequin  essayed  to  sing  was 
drowned  like  a  litter  of  kittens  by  the  soci 
ety,  who  gravely  substituted  the  doleful  lyric 
intelligence  that  Old  Grimes  had  shuffled  off 
this  mortal  coil,  and  described  his  late  cos 
tume  at  full  length. 

"  Ladies  an'  gen'lem<m  /"  shouted  the  ring 
master,  when  the  song  was  over ;  "  our  next 
performance  will  be  that  of  the  world-re 
nowned  O'Whilleken  Brothers  in  their  won 
derful,  unequalled,  and  bewildering  trapeze 
acts,  which  they  have  given  with  great  ac 
ceptance  and  applause  before  all  the  crowned 
heads  of  Europe." 

The  O'Whilleken  Brothers  stood  ready  to 
enlighten  the  arena — one  of  them  looking 
very  much  like  De  Garmo  Peasley  in  another 
costume — when  the  ring-master  continued, 
with  an  extra  flourish: 


120  THE    ONE-KING   CIBCUS 

"  Ladies  an'  gen'lewm,  this  performance  is 
not  half  over  yet"  (hisses  by  the  society), 
"  but  at  its  conclusion  an  additional  entertain 
ment  will  be  given,  consisting  of  songs  and 
dances,  by  the  celebrated  Argentillo  Family 
and  their  assistants.  There  will  be  songs, 
duets,  quartets,  choruses,  jugglery  perform 
ances,  and  other  attractions,  the  whole  of 
fering  such  a  feast  of  entertainment  as  has 
never  been  witnessed  in  this  country,  and  will 
be  afforded  at  the  astonishingly  low  cost  of 
ten  cents. 

"  During  the  performance  of  the  O'Whil- 
leken  Brothers,  which  is  now  about  to  com 
mence,  our  gentlemanly  agent  will  pass 
through  the  crowd  selling  tickets  for  the 
same." 

And  then,  there  being  not  many  others 
connected  with  the  show,  the  ring-master 
himself  began  to  act  the  part  of  the  gentle 
manly  agent  and  sell  tickets,  while  the  Broth 
ers  commenced  their  very  safe  and  amiable 
trapeze  performance. 

The  ring-master  went  along  very  well  un 
til  he  came  to  the  outskirts  of  tbe  society, 


THE   ONE-KING    CIRCUS  121 

who  began  to  guy  him — to  ask  him,  satiri 
cally,  if  he  was  the  gentlemanly  agent  he 
himself  had  just  described,  to  inquire  of  him 
if  he  was  also  the  Argentillo  Family,  to  try 
to  learn  of  him  whether  he  had  pea-nuts  for 
sale,  to  consult  him  as  to  the  hire  of  dress- 
suits  where  he  came  from,  from  what  farm 
er's  carriage  -  house  he  extracted  his  whip, 
etc.,  etc.  Whereat  the  poor  fellow  lost  self- 
control  entirely  and  shook  his  fist  in  the 
president's  face. 

Whereat,  of  course,  it  was  only  a  min 
ute's  time  when  he  was  dragged  into  the  are 
na,  a  fringe  of  adolescent  humanity  formed 
around  him,  and  he  invited,  or  rather  com 
manded,  to  "  have  it  out "  with  the  student 
he  had  assaulted. 

The  ring-master  threw  a  look  at  his  pro 
posed  antagonist  and  at  the  crowd  of  brawny 
young  fellows  about,  straightened  himself 
up,  and  with  the  fullest  force  of  his  lungs 
shouted, 

"  HEY,  KEUB  !" 

This  exclamatory  phrase  is  the  showman's 
cry  of  war.  It  is  a  signal  at  which  every- 


122       .  THE   ONE-RING   CIRCUS 

body  connected  with  the  establishment  is 
expected  to  rally  to  the  support  of  the  one 
who  gives  it — for  it  is,  maybe,  a  grand  hailing 
sign  of  distress.  Every  one  must  come  and 
fight  to  the  utmost  or  be  considered  a  cow 
ard  ever  after.  This  same  ring-master  had 
gained  many  a  bloody  battle  to  the  tune  of 
that  terrible  yell ;  had  seen  all  the  officers, 
rank  and  file,  of  more  than  one  "  greatest 
show  on  earth"  marshal  in  serried  ranks  to 
repel  invaders,  and,  if  need  be,  strew  the 
field  with  bloody  corpses ;  but  that  was  in 
the  long  ago,  when  he  was  a  different  man, 
and  worked  for  companies  rich  enough  to 
buy  any  ordinary  town  and  sometimes  a 
judge  and  jury. 

Every  one  "  rallied  "  now,  but  the  effect 
was  a  weak  one ;  it  was  a  small  company. 
It  seemed  plain  that  there  was  no  object 
in  a  battle  between  tights  and  gown,  "  Is 
the  marshal,  or  policeman,  or  constable,  or 
mayor,  or  whatever  you  call  it  here — pres 
ent  ?"  he  shouted  in  his  loudest  voice.  "  If 
so,  I  demand  the  protection  of  the  authori 
ties  against  this  riotous  mob !" 


THE   ONE-KING   CIKCUS  123 

The  marshal,  or  whatever  one  might  call 
him,  was  not  present  just  now.  He  had  re 
membered  other  business  at  about  the  time 
of  the  commencement  of  the  row  in  which 
his  son  was  liable  to  figure,  and  slipped  out 
under  the  tent.  There  was  no  response 
to  the  command,  and  an  ominous  silence 
reigned  for  a  minute. 

"  You'll  have  to  do  your  fight  alone,  Old 
Swallowtail !"  shouted  the  orator  of  the  so 
ciety.  "  Shake  your  fist  under  the  nose  of 
one  of  the  members  of  our  honorable  club, 
will  you  ?  Do  it  again,  please,  now,  while 
he  has  his  flippers  ready !" 

Howls  of  applause  endorsed  this  period. 
"  Fight  or  apologize !"  shouted  the  crowd. 
"  Eow  or  back  water !" 

It  was  very  evident  that  the  circle  of 
friends  possessed  in  the  town  by  that  circus 
was  not  embarrassingly  large.  What  few 
people  were  present  besides  the  students 
sympathized  with  the  latter,  feeling  that 
they  had  been  deceived  in  the  meagreness 
of  the  "  show." 

"  He   won't   fight   or  apologize !"  shout- 


124  THE   ONE-KING   CIKCUS 

ed  the  orator.  "Tear  his  canvas  shanty 
down  !" 

These  words  fell  hammering  dangerous 
ly  near  some  mental  dynamite  stowed  away 
in  the  crowd  all  ready  for  explosion.  There 
was  a  move  made  toward  the  side  of  the 
tent.  "  Clean  him  out !  Clean  him  out !" 
came  from  several  members  of  the  society. 
The  fate  of  the  little  travelling  exhibition 
of  physical  deficiencies  seemed  decided :  tim 
id  persons  began  rushing  out  of  the  tent ; 
an  old  canvas-man  sprang  upon  one  of  the 
seats  and  swore  he  would  shoot  the  first 
fellow  that  dared  touch  a  thing ;  he  was 
pulled  down  into  the  crowd,  in  spite  of  his 
struggles  and  his  rusty  revolver,  and  sat 
upon  by  three  of  the  heavier  students. 

"STOP!" 

Through  all  the  clamor  a  voice  cut  its  way, 
sharp  and  distinct  as  the  tone  of  a  bugle, 
and  was  heard  and  heeded  by  every  one, 
whether  willingly  or  not. 

"  SIT  DOWN  EVERYBODY!" 

There  was  something  about  the  voice  that 
commanded  not  only  attention,  but  obedience. 


THE   ONE-KING    CIKCUS  125 

"  Everybody  sit  down,  and  I'll  settle  this 
in  five  minutes !"  the  same  voice  continued. 
"  EVERYBODY  SIT  DOWN,  I  said !  Did  you 
hear  ?" 

A  habit  acquired  through  long  decades  of 
managing  large  bodies  of  people  and  making 
them  obey  a  human  will  had  come  to  the 
fore,  and  asserted  and  employed  itself.  The 
crowd  stepped  back  almost  as  if  hypnotized. 
"Within  two  minutes  all  were  in  perfect  or 
der,  and  the  tent  was  as  quiet  as  a  properly 
conducted  funeral. 

The  famous  Dirk  Duckworth,  or  such  por 
tions  as  time  had  left  of  him,  stood  in  the 
middle  of  the  ring.  There  was  the  face  that 
had  decked  millions  of  posters  in  every  State 
of  the  Union ;  but  the  picture  was  now  par 
tially  enclosed  in  a  thin  frame  of  white  hair; 
the  surface  of  the  skin  had  been  ploughed 
into  wrinkles ;  the  form,  while  it  retained  a 
certain  amount  of  symmetry  and  straight- 
ness,  was  that  of  a  feeble  old  man.  Still, 
the  voice  was  loud  and  clear  as  need  be, 
and  he  made  something  like  the  following 
speech : 


126  THE   ONE-KING   CIRCUS 

"Gentlemen  and  patrons, — I  presume  you 
know  who  I  am.  I  don't  come  to  you  no 
stranger.  Not  one  of  ye  but's  heard  of  me 
ever  since  you  can  remember ;  not  one  of 
ye  but  has  throwed  snow-balls  at  my  profile 
on  the  fences  an'  walls ;  hardly  one  but  has 
had  a  wild  desire  some  time  to  sneak  away 
an'  go  circusin'  with  me.  Your  fathers  knew 
me  too.  "When  I  had  my  menagerie  an' 
circus  combined,  they  used  to  bring  you  to 
see  the  animals  an'  then  sneak  into  the 
circus  afterwards  by  mistake.  Say,  fellers, 
look-a-here :  do  you  know  who's  talkin'  to 
ye?" 

A  half-involuntary  cheer  came  from  the 
crowd ;  it  was  listening  to  something  gen 
uine  ;  here  was  the  vocal  shiver  of  true  mag 
netism  ;  and  the  society  enjoyed  his  manner 
and  his  tone  probably  more  than  his  words. 
He  continued : 

"  Yes,  boys,  I've  headed  an'  backed  shows 
that  was  a-travellin'  city  in  themselves — white 
palaces  that  could  be  built  in  a  new  town  ev 
ery  day ;  I've  ma'de  every  community  where 
they  went  remember  'em  for  years,  as  if  a 


THE   ONE-KING   CIKCUS  127 

friendly  army  had  been  there — circuses  that 
a  thousand  dollars  wasn't  any  more  to  than 
five  is  to  this  one  now — shows  that  performed 
more  than  they  could  get  bill-boards  enough 
to  advertise  on. 

"  In  all  this  time,  young  fellers,  I  was  as 
square  a  travellin'  man  as  could  be  found  on 
any  o'  the  turnpikes,  iron  or  sand ;  never  any 
body  was  hurt  in  my  ring  but  he  got  took 
care  of  out  o'  my  pocket  -  book  ;  never  any 
body  found  time  to  convince  me  that  he 
was  dead  broke  but  I  had  leisure  to  give 
him  a  few  dollars.  Fellers,  I  mayn't  look 
exactly  like  it  now,  but  I  tell  ye  that  at 
that  time  I  was  general  of  the  show  army — 
I  was  mogul  of  the  whole  industry — such  as 
it  was.  Maybe  it  warn't  so  very  high  of  a 
ladder  that  I  selected  for  to  climb,  or  that 
selected  me  for  to  climb  it,  this  circus  busi 
ness;  but  I  tell  you,  such  as  it  was,  I  stood 
on  the  top  round  of  it,  an'  waved  my  hat  to 
all  the  folks  below,  an'  said,  '  Git  up  here 
along  with  me  ef  possible,  an'  I'll  reach 
down  a  tol'able  clean  sort  of  a  hand,  an' 
help  you !'  " 


128  THE   ONE-RING   CIRCUS 

Another  set  of  cheers,  hearty  and  earnest, 
came  from  the  society.  The  man's  ways  car 
ried  with  them  a  force  that  the  words  could 
not  have  done. 

"  Yes,  boys,  you  see  it  jest  as  I  do.  What 
ever  ye  do,  do  well.  I  can't  advise  any  of  ye 
to  study  for  the  circus  business — I  don't  ad 
vise  ye  what  particular  business  you  should 
go  into ;  but  when  the  train  comes  along  that 
Nature  give  you  a  ticket  for,  jump  on.  Take 
passage,  whether  you're  able  to  buy  a  ticket 
or  not ;  go,  if  you  have  to  hang  to  one  of 
the  steps  for  a  while  by  your  finger-nails! 
There'll  be  room  enough  for  you  after  the 
next  stop.  If  it's  a  train  of  doctors,  preach 
ers,  lawyers,  or  whatever  it  is,  boys,  do  it 
right !  Do  it  thorough !  Do  it  straight ! 
And  first  you  know  you'll  have  one  of  the 
best  seats  in  the  drawing-room  car,  and  then  a 
state-room  in  one  end  of  it,and  then  you'll  hire 
a  special  train  for  yourself,  and  so  on,  an'  on, 
an'  on.  But  whatever  you  do,  boys,  you  ain't 
agoin'  to  escape  work.  Work — work — work 
— in  velvet  or  drillin',  aroun'  turtle-soup  or 
hardtack,  under  a  marble  roof  or  an  old  can- 


THE   ONE-KING   CIRCUS  129 

vas  tent ;  work — work — work — high  or  low, 
rich  or  poor,  every  day  an'  every  hour  you're 
awake — an'  that's  just  what  I'm  a-doin'  now, 
boys,  as  undertaker  o'  this  confounded  daily 
funeral  under  a  tent  —  I'm  a  -  workin'  along 
same  as  ever,  an'  a  mighty  sight  harder !" 

More  cheers,  and  heartier,  came  from  the 
society.  The  idea  of  somebody  else's  work 
ing  is  always  a  most  popular  one  in  this  world. 

"  An'  now,  boys,  I'm  kind  o'  down,  an'  I 
ain't  agoin'  to  tell  the  name  of  the  opposi 
tion  that  done  it.  I  had  competition  an'  op 
position  right  from  the  very  start,  an'  that 
you're  al'ays  goin'  to  find  —  it's  something 
that's  intended  for  to  help  you ;  something 
you'd  die  without.  But  see  here  —  there's 
two  kinds  of  opposition,  young  fellers !  One 
is  the  kind  that  you  can  hold  off  from  you, 
an'  fight  at  the  proper  distance,  where  you 
can  see  how  to  get  a  blow  in  good  an'  square ; 
the  other  opposition  is  the  kind  that  you  re 
ceive  right  into  your  heart — take  unreserved 
ly  into  your  system  ;  take  an'  take  till  it  be 
comes  a  part  of  you ;  take  it  an'  lodge  it  an' 
feed  it  an'  strengthen  it  all  the  while  that  it's 


130  THE    ONE-KING    CIKCUS 

a-murderin'  of  you  ;  take  it  till  it  makes  you 
poor  an'  demented,  an'  constitutes  a  travellin' 
lunatic  asylum  of  ye  time  an'  ag'in.  It's  an 
opposition  that  has  brought  me  right  where 
I  am,  from  the  proprietor  of  one  of  the  great 
est  travellin'  combinations  of  mental,  moral, 
athletic,  herculean,  terpsichorean,  anthropo 
logical  aggregations — all  evolved  each  day 
from  a  vast  and  varied,  glittering  and  scintil 
lating  procession  of  vehicular  spectacle,  pro 
gressing  through  the  streets  and  avenues  like 
an  ancient  Roman  triumph — to  a  damned 
little  one-horse  show  like  this." 

The  anticlimax  was  pronounced  with  a 
concentrated  venom  and  a  genuine  contempt 
that  really  made  it  cumulative  in  its  force, 
and  the  cheers  with  which  his  peroration  was 
received  must  have  been  heard  by  the  very 
animalcule  in  the  innermost  recesses  of  the 
old  man's  heart.  "When  the  noise  ceased, 
there  was  an  intense  and  respectful  silence 
that  it  must  have  been  a  luxury  to  work 
upon. 

"  Boys,  I  have  built  my  tent  in  every 
State  an'  Territory  in  the  Union,  an'  in  Can- 


THE    ONE-KING   CIKCUS  131 

ada,  an'  on  the  other  side  o'  the  water ;  an' 
a  greater  traveller,  so  far  as  goin'  over 
stretches  of  space  consists,  don't  often  come 
into  this  town.  I  ought  to  be  settled  down 
now  somewhere  near  New  York,,  rich  an' 
comfortable  an'  reasonably  happy ;  but  that 
isn't  the  way  things  generally  act  up  in  this 
world.  The  opposition  I  was  a-tellin'  you 
of — he  finally  became  a  silent  partner — a- 
keepin'  up  his  attacks  all  the  same — an'  he 
ate  me  out  o'  house  an'  tent  an'  home  —  an' 
now  I'm  what  you  see — a  poor  man,  just 
able  to  pay  my  bills  in  one  town  an'  stand 
expenses  to  another.  These  actors  here  is 
mostly  old  employes  o'  mine,  that's  been 
with  me  through  many  a  show  an'  many  a 
fight ;  an'  they'll  never  desert  me  as  long 
as  I'll  keep  my  head  up  an'  smile  approval 
at  'em.  They  stay  right  along,  an'  do  the 
best  they  can.  But  there's  times  when  these 
people  go  hungry  because  I  can't  pay  the 
bills  to  feed  'em,  an'  shabby  because  I  ain't 
able  to  whack  up  their  salaries.  Still,  we're 
all  a-doing  the  best  we  can,  we're  makin'  an 
other  start,  an'  some  day  we'll  be  on  our  feet 


132  THE   ONE-KING    OIKCUS 

ag'in — some  day  we'll  have  a  circus  that  is 
a  circus  —  some  day  we'll  come  back  here 
with  a  show  that  you  won't  be  ashamed  to 
be  seen  at  —  a  show  that  the  village  police 
won't  run  away  from.  Till  then,  friends 
an'  fellow-citizens,  be  a  little  patient,  give 
us  a  chance,  an'  let  the  proceedings  pro 
ceed." 

Looking  at  the  old  man's  white  hair  and 
wrinkled  face,  it  did  not  seem  very  likely  that 
he  would  ever  again  be  the  leader  of  a  glit 
tering  triumph  of  any  kind  ;  but  it  showed 
how  late  the  ruling  passion  will  accompany 
a  man,  how  near  the  ambition  of  life  can 
venture  to  the  precipice  of  death,  and  how 
Hope,  that  amiable  but  deceitful  goddess,  is 
willing  to  hold  the  lamp  for  it  all  the  way 
along.  The  Spectacular  Regulative  Society, 
and  everybody  else  in  the  tent,  were  on  his 
side.  The  orator  arose. 

"  Mr.  President  and  members  of  the  soci 
ety,"  he  shouted — "  I  move  a  vote  of  thanks 
for  our  venerable  but  hale  and  thorough- 
blooded  friend,  and  that  the  rules  all  be 
suspended,  and  the  Spectacular  Regulative 


THE   ONE-EING   CIRCUS  133 

Society  elect  Dirk  Duckworth  an  honorary 
member !" 

The  motion  went  through  with  a  yell,  and 
our  veteran  showman,  with  all  his  comrades 
and  belongings,  was  thenceforth  under  the 
protection  of  the  society. 

Everything  went  smoothly  thereafter ;  the 
show  succeeded  beyond  precedent ;  the  gen 
tlemanly  agent  climbed  through  the  audience 
again,  at  its  own  urgent  invitation,  and  sold 
tickets  for  the  concert  to  every  member  of 
the  society ;  De  Garmo  Peasley  had  his 
wish  respecting  a  night  with  "  the  boys," 
and  Dirk  Duckworth  was  informed,  as  he 
pleaded  old  age  and  weakness,  and  took 
refuge  in  a  stuffy  room  of  the  decrepit  vil 
lage  hotel,  that  if  he  would  make  another 
date  in  the  near  future  the  society  would 
attend  to  it  that  tickets  enough  were  sold 
to  give  him  the  best  audience  of  the  season. 
He  consented,  with  a  dignified  joyousness 
that  was  almost  pathetic ;  but  we  heard  a 
month  or  two  afterwards  that  he  had 
stranded  again  in  an  Ohio  River  town  and 
been  sold  up  by  the  sheriff. 


THE   CHKISTMAS   CAE 


THE   CHRISTMAS  CAR 


TRAINS  on  the  Erie  and  Kalamazoo  Rail 
road  used  to  run  at  a  terrific  rate ;  at  least 
it  seemed  so  to  the  Colgrove  children,  who 
lived  in  a  log-house  some  twenty  rods  from 
the  track.  Now  we  know  very  well  that  cars 
rarely  travelled  over  twenty  miles  an  hour  in 
the  days  when  railroads  were  first  introduced 
into  this  country,  and  that  twenty-five  made 
a  sensation,  and  people  would  mope  and  yawn 
in  such  conveyances  at  the  present  time. 

But  the  trains  on  the  Erie  and  Kalamazoo 
Railroad  went  so  much-  faster  than  an  ox- 
team  that,  to  the  Colgrove  children,  they  ap 
peared  almost  as  if  flying;  and  the  queer 
little  family  of  almost  innumerable  tots  re 
garded  them  as  something  in  the  celestial 


188  THE    CHRISTMAS   CAB 

line.  They  thought,  or  thought  they  thought, 
that  the  flaring  little  smoke-stack,  with  a 
sieve  over  the  top  to  keep  sparks  from  spread 
ing,  was  the  head  of  an  angel — dark-complex 
ioned,  to  be  sure ;  that  the  cranks  and  drive- 
wheels  might  at  any  moment  develop  into 
wings,  and  float  the  whole  outfit  over  woods 
and  through  clouds ;  and  that  the  men  who 
could  ride  on  such  a  glorious  creature,  and 
control  it,  were  themselves  something  more 
than  human.  Then,  one  day,  when  they  saw 
the  driver,  or  "  engineer,"  as  he  was  called  in 
those  regions,  pull  a  lever  and  hurry  the  speed 
a  little,  they  thought  maybe  the  creature  was 
a  relative  of  the  magic  horse  described  in  one 
of  the  old  books  in  their  grandfather's  chest; 
which  singular  steed  had  a  peg  in  the  shoul 
der  that  had  simply  to  be  turned  to  make  the 
animal  go  and  come  as  the  rider  liked. 

They  were  a  kind  of  helpless  lot  of  little 
creatures — the  Colgrove  children— for  their 
father  was  an  itinerant  clergyman,  away  from 
home  most  of  the  time,  and  their  mother  a 
spasmodic  invalid,  who  could  not  do  much 
toward  employing  or  amusing  them. 


THE   CHRISTMAS   CAB  139 

So  they  would  have  been  lonely  but  for 
each  other ;  and  a  certain  number  of  human 
beings,  young  or  old,  will  easily  wear  each 
other  out,  after  a  time. 

About  all  the  folks  they  ever  saw,  except 
their  own  selves,  were  the  people  they  caught 
glimpses  of  on  the  train  as  it  passed — nearly 
the  only  bit  of  outside  world  they  had  ever 
known.  To  be  sure,  now  and  then  a  hunt 
er,  or  wood-chopper,  or  travelling  preacher 
came  that  way;  and  there  were  a  few  neigh 
bors,  at  very  long  range.  Once  the  nearest 
school-ma'am  rode  up  to  the  door  on  a  large, 
raw-boned  horse,  came  in  for  a  minute,  and 
talked  with  the  children.  She  was  very 
interesting  to  hear,  and  good-looking,  too, 
they  thought  —  in  the  same  way  that  the 
clouds  are  before  a  storm.  She  was  very 
much  surprised  to  find  that  the  children 
had  somehow  taught  each  other  to  read, 
and  could  even  write  and  cipher,  in  their 
queer,  unsophisticated  little  way ;  and  she 
asked  them  why  they  didn't  go  to  school. 
Their  little  legs  answered  that,  being 
only  of  the  usual  length,  while  the  school 


140  THE   CHRISTMAS    CAR 

was  six  miles  off,  through  swamps  and 
"  swales." 

But  she  was  terribly  surprised  at  the  ques 
tions  they  asked  her,  in  such  quaint  and  some 
times  enigmatical  language.  Their  father,  a 
sort  of  refined,  college-bred  Peter  Cartright, 
was  a  scholar,  and  had  filled  them  with  Rom 
an  and  Grecian  stories,  as  well  as  Scriptural 
ones.  He  had  even  insisted  on  their  being 
given  classical  Christian-names,  and  they  had 
taken  all  their  ideas  of  the  outside  world  from 
him.  Their  mother  was  an  uneducated  wom 
an,  though  a  bright  one,  and  they  had  taken 
their  dialect  from  her.  They  attacked  the 
school  -  teacher  with  such  queer  little  ques 
tions  as  these : 

"School-mom,  how  did  it  happen  that  Re 
mus  hopped  over  the  wall  so  easy?  An' 
didn't  Rom'lus  ought  to  be  hung  for  a-killin' 
of  him?" 

"School-ma'am,  do  you  s'pose  Diogenes's 
lantern  made  much  of  any  show  in  the  day 
time?  An'  was  it  tin,  like  fawther's,  when 
he  goes  to  feed  the  cow,  or  did  it  hev  little 
glass  winders  in  it  ?" 


THE    CHKISTMAS    CAK  141 

"  School-mom,  did  you  ever  see  Sindbad 
the  Sailor,  or  was  he  before  your  time?" 

"  School-mom,  now  don't  you  s'pose  Tan- 
terlns,  when  he  stood  in  the  water  clear  up  to 
his  chin,  a-dyin'  for  a  drink — don't  you  s'pose 
ef  he  had  watched  sharp  he  cud  'a'  ducked  his 
head  an'  got  a  swaller  when  Juperter  wasn't 
a-looldn'  F 

"  School-mom,  don't  you  s'pose  Promethus 
cud  hev  kep'  the  eagle  frum  eatin'  of  him 
all  that  long  time  ef  he  had  took  a  liver 
remedy  ?"— etc.,  etc. 

Most  of  this  was  Greek,  in  t\vo  senses,  to 
the  young  lady.  She  found  herself  unable  to 
answer  their  questions  with  even  a  show  of 
intelligence ;  and  she  soon  jumped  on  her 
horse  and  galloped  for  home,  resisting  the 
importunities  of  the  family  to  stop  and  have 
some  supper.  "  I  wouldn't  have  stay  ed  another 
hour  with  the  little  lunatics  for  the  best  sec 
tion  of  land  in  the  county,"  she  said  to  her 
sympathizing  mother  upon  reaching  home. 
"  The  preacher  seems  to  have  taught  them  a 
little  of  everything,  and  let  them  read  any 
thing  they  wanted  to ;  and  the  crazier  the 


142  THE    CHRISTMAS    CAR 

stories  they  hear  and  read  the  better  they 
appear  to  remember  them." 


It 

"  Ain't  it  'most  time  fur  the  train,  Elan- 
dim?"  asked  Euripides,  one  day  late  in  the 
autumn.  The  world  was  getting  very  lonely, 
now,  for  the  leaves  were  all  off  the  trees, 
and  there  were  no  flowers  left.  Their  father 
had  gone  away  somewhere  to  preach,  and 
their  mother  was  not  well  at  all  that  day. 

"I  don't  just  know  exactly  what  time  it 
be,"  said  Boadicea.  "  When  fawther  takes 
away  the  big  silver  watch  that  peels  off  like 
an  onion,  so's  he  can  see  how  to  not  preach 
too  long  at  a  time,  it  al'ays  seems  like  there 
was  only  two  times  a  day,  light  an'  dark." 

"  The  old  clock  that  looks  like  a  little  tall 
house  with  wheels  in  might  tell  us,"  said 
Hannibal,  mournfully. 

"  It  only  tells  us  two  times  a  day,"  said 
Blandini,  with  a  little  resentment  toward  it 
in  her  tone — "  seven  in  the  forenoon  an'  seven 


THE   CHEISTMAS    CAK  143 

in  the  evenin'.  It  don't  be  half  earnin'  its 
standin'-room." 

"  It'll  hev  to  go  to  work  ag'in  when  th' 
tinker  comes  in  January,"  said  Parthenia. 

"  Peddler's  comin'  sooner  nor  that,"  re 
marked  Boadicea.  "  Said  the  last  time  he 
was  here,  maybe  Tie  kin  fix  it." 

"  Wish  he  could  fix  it  'fore  Christmas," 
chirped  Euripides.  "  Then  ef  Santa  Claus 
come,  he'd  look  to  see  what  time  it  was 
when  he  got  here,  an'  we  cud  set  it  back,  an' 
maybe  he'd  stay  longer  an'  give  us  more 
things  outen  his  cutter." 

"  'The  teacher  of  the  neighboring  school,'  " 
said  little  Melpomene,  doubtfully,  quoting 
the  title  as  accurately  as  she  could,  "  says 
there  ain't  no  Santa  Claus." 

This  theory  was  met  with  such  a  general 
howl  of  malediction  that  it  dropped  dead 
and  was  never  more  referred  to. 

"  But,"  said  little  Epictetus,  "  mother  says 
he  hardly  ever  brings  much  of  anything 
down  a  log-house  chimbley." 

"  I  wish  we  had  a  frame-house  fur  him  to 
come  into,"  said  Boadicea,  reflectively. 


144  THE    CHRISTMAS    CAK 

"  An'  me  too,"  said  Partbenia.  "  S'posin' 
we  go  to  pray  in'  fur  it?" 

"  Pray  in'  fur  it"  was  a  very  common 
thing  with  the  Colgrove  children.  They  did 
it  in  their  own  wa^y,  as  everything  else ;  but 
they  were  sincere  and  earnest  little  devotees, 
and  often  found  their  petitions  answered. 
They  had  divided  off  in  the  matter  of 
spokesman ;  taking  different  departments,  as 
one  might  say.  It  was  decided  that  Boadi- 
cea  should  pray  for  the  frame  -  house,  and 
she  did  it  something  as  follows,  while  the 
rest  said  "  Amen "  with  all  their  little 
hearts : 

"  O  Lord !  we're  much  obliged,  and  thank 
you  ever  so  much,  for  this  log-house  that  we 
live  in !  It's  good,  as  log-houses  go,  although 
it  isn't  any  palace,  like  Nero  used  to  have. 
What  we  want  is  a  frame  one,  so's  that 
Santa  Glaus  will  bring  his  whole  load  down 
the  chimbley  of  it,  which  please  give  it  to  us, 
if  it  ain't  a-askin'  too  much  an'  too  great  a 
trouble.  Amen." 


THE   CHEISTMAS   OAK  145 


III 

Just  as  the  quaint  little  prayer  was  done, 
they  heard  a  roaring  sound  through  the 
woods  in  the  distance,  which  told  them  that 
the  Erie  and  Kalamazoo  passenger-train  was 
coming.  They  all  rushed  out  to  see  it,  and, 
as  usual,  got  as  near  the  track  as  they  dared 
(which  still  left  an  interim  of  several  rods) 
until  the  train  had  come  and  gone. 

"  It  don't  go  so  fast  to-day  as  it  generally 
do,"  said  Parthenia.  "  Oh,  it  can't  be  for 
stoppin',  ken  it  ?" 

It  was  certainly  for  stopping.  Not  with 
the  startling  celerity  that  attends  the  air 
brake  of  to-day.  After  the  "  engineer  "  had 
shut  off  steam,  the  fireman  lowered  an  iron, 
bar  upon  one  of  the  small  drive  -  wheels, 
stepped  upon  it,  and  gradually  brought  the 
little  caravan  of  cars  to  a  halt. 

The  Colgrove  children  had  never  seen  a 
train  stop  before ;  it  was  a  great  sight 
to  them.  It  was  a  still  greater  one  when 
the  passengers  all  alighted  from  the  one 


146  THE   CHRISTMAS    CAR 

coach  and  employes  began  examining  the 
wheels. 

"  It's  jes  as  I  tol'  ye,"  shouted  a  man 
whom  the  children  heard  called  "the  con 
ductor."  "  This  journal's  cracked,  an'  it 
ain't  safe  to  run  the  car  another  rod." 

The  children  were  very  much  surprised  to 
hear  that  the  journal  was  cracked,  although 
they  had  not  the  least  idea  as  to  what  that 
was.  But  it  gave  them  a  new  and  somewhat 
depreciated  opinion  of  the  train  to  find  that 
it  could  be  disabled  in  any  way.  They  felt 
a  good  deal  as  the  Mexicans  did  toward 
Cortez's  cavalry  upon  discovering  that  it 
was  possible  for  its  horses  to  be  killed. 

All  the  passengers  grumbled  when  they 
found  that  the  car  must  be  left  by  the  way 
side;  but  there  was  no  help  for  it,  and  it 
was  pushed  off  the  track,  after  a  good  deal  of 
trouble,  and  rested  peacefully  upon  a  couple 
of  rails  improvised  from  two  unfortunate 
saplings.  The  passengers,  with  more  grum 
blings,  crowded  into  the  baggage-car;  the 
engineer  pulled  a  lever,  and  the  train  bustled 
out  of  sight. 


THE    CHRISTMAS    CAR  147 

The  remainder  of  the  day  was  occupied  by 
the  Colgrove  children  in  seeing  how  near 
they  dared  go  to  the  disabled  coach.  They 
would  not,  by  any  possibility,  get  opposite 
either  end  of  it,  for  fear  the  thing  would 
start  and  run  them  down ;  but  in  the  course 
of  two  or  three  days  they  became  more  dar 
ing.  At  last,  noticing  that  the  train  went 
past  each  day  with  another  car  in  place  of 
it  and  that  it  invariably  resisted  the  temp 
tation  of  jumping  up  and  joining  the  proces 
sion,  they  ventured  nearer  and  nearer;  and, 
no  locks  being  upon  the  door,  they  finally 
visited  the  interior  in  a  body,  having  taken 
with  them  enough  provisions  for  one  meal, 
in  case  they  were  carried  away  in  it. 

Although  it  would  be  called  a  very  crude 
piece  of  rolling-stock  by  the  present  genera 
tion,  the  little  coach  was  a  fairy  palace  to 
the  Colgrove  children.  They  used  it  for  all 
sorts  of  things — their  car,  their  fairy  chariot, 
their  university,  their  mansion.  They  deco 
rated  it  with  all  the  pictures  they  could  find 
or  make ;  they  lugged  as  many  books  out  of 
the  chest  as  they  could  smuggle  there,  and 


148  THE   CHKISTMAS   CAR 

started  a  small,  quaintly  arranged  library ; 
as  cold  weather  came  on,  they  gathered  wood 
and  built  a  fire  in  the  small  stove  at  one  end 
of  the  establishment,  and  so  kept  warm  and 
cozy.  Their  nervous  mother  considered  the 
stranded  vehicle  as  a  godsend,  since  it  gave 
her  some  peace  in  the  house,  and  let  them  do 
about  as  they  liked  in  regard  to  it.  Their 
father  was  still  away,  doing  evangelistic 
work  among  woodmen  on  the  outskirts  of 
the  Detroit  Conference. 

One  afternoon  the  Colgrove  children  had 
got  temporarily  tired  of  working  the  differ 
ent  possibilities  of  the  car,  and  had  been  silent 
for  a  full  ten  minutes.  Then  little  Boadicea 
looked  up  and  said,  "  I  hev  just  thought  of 
something.  This  car  is  an  ans'er." 

The  children  all  knew  what  "  an  ans'er  " 
was,  but  waited  to  see  how  the  car  could  be 
called  one. 

"Well,  it  come  right  after  we'd  been 
a-prayin'  for  a  frame-house  fur  to  receive 
Santa  Glaus  in,"  said  the  little  girl.  "  It 
was  that  very  day  an'  hour.  An'  that's  jus' 
what  this  is." 


THE    CHRISTMAS    CAE  149 

It  fell  upon  the  children  with  the  full  force 
of  a  revelation ;  and  from  that  minute  they 
went  to  work  to  adapt  the  place  to  his  re 
ception.  They  studied  all  his  idiosyncrasies, 
as  far  as  they  could  get  at  them,  from  what 
they  remembered  and  wrung  out  of  their 
mother.  They  hung  wreaths  for  him  of 
some  wild  evergreen  pines  they  found  in 
the  vicinity ;  they  traced  "  Welcome,  Santa 
Glaus !"  in  rude  woodland  letters,  and  they 
concocted  a  letter  to  be  posted  in  a  conspic 
uous  place,  inviting  him,  after  he  had  got 
through  with  his  night's  work,  to  come  back 
and  stay  two  or  three  days  with  them  and 
rest.  "We  think  you  will  like  us,"  this 
strange  little  missive  concluded.  "  We  will 
bring  over  one  of  the  feather-beds,  and  you 
can  sleep  here  nights." 

Everything  was  ready ;  it  was  the  morn 
ing  of  the  24th  of  December,  and  they  were 
full  of  expectation.  Their  father,  who  had 
hoped  to  be  home  to  spend  Christmas,  was 
still  delayed.;  there  was  an  unusual  sunburst 
of  divine  grace  on  the  outskirts  of  the  De 
troit  Conference,  and  he  hated  to  leave  it 


150  THE   CIIKISTMAS   CAR 

just  then.  "  You  won't  get  much  from  Santa 
Claus  this  year,"  said  the  fretful  mother — 
"  not  ef  you  had  a  four-story  buildin'  to  let 
him  into." 

But  the  little  flock  had  done  a  good  deal 
of  praying  during  the  past  few  days,  and 
they  were  full  of  faith.  All  they  lacked  now 
was  a  chimney  big  enough  for  him  to  come 
down ;  they  knew  he  could  never  get  through 
the  stove-pipe.  So  it  entered  their  heads  to 
enlarge  the  space  around  the  pipe  in  the 
roof  of  the  car ;  and  they  had  just  smuggled 
the  old  wood-pile  axe  over  to  the  scene  of 
expectation,  when  a  locomotive  came  up  be 
side  the  car  and  stopped. 

They  had  become  quite  used  to  seeing  the 
trains  go  by,  and,  beyond  crouching  away 
from  the  windows  and  keeping  down  the 
fires  at  such  times  so  as  not  to  show  any 
smoke,  they  had  relaxed  all  precautions. 
But  this  was,  for  the  day,  the  private  loco 
motive  of  the  superintendent  of  the  road 
(railway  officers  did  not  have  private  cars 
in  those  times) ;  and  a  great,  bearded, 
rough --looking  man  came  in  upon  them 


THE   CHRISTMAS   CAE  151 

before  they  had  time  to  get  out  of  the 
way. 

The  Colgrove  children  were  pretty  mid 
dling  well  frightened.  They  felt  like  burg 
lars,  incendiaries,  murderers,  and  train-rob 
bers  all  at  once.  They  huddled  together 
and  looked  at  the  rough,  coarse-appearing 
man,  so  different  from  their  home-spun  but 
still  refined-looking  father. 

"An'  what  are  you  a-doin'  here  in  our 
car?"  were  the  first  words  they  heard. 
"  Usin'  it  for  a  residence,  eh  ?  A  pretty 
litter  you've  made  around  here.  Do  you 
want  to  all  go  to  jail  ?" 

Little  Boadicea  was  fairly  frightened  into 
bravery.  She  inaudibly  for  a  second  joined 
herself  in  prayer,  as  she  afterwards  described 
it,  and  gave  him  the  whole  story  before  he 
had  time  to  say  another  word.  He  took  one 
more  glance  around  the  car,  and  went  out  of 
the  door  on  the  platform. 

"  Raymond,"  he  yelled  to  a  man  who  was 
oiling  the  engine,  "  for  Heaven's  sake  come 
here  an'  see  this  lay-out !" 

The  two  men  stood  in  silence  and  looked 


152  THE  CHKISTMAS   CAE 

things  over  for  a  minute  ;  then  the  super 
intendent  stepped  a  little  nearer  to  the 
young  invaders,  and  said,  in  a  softer  voice  : 

"  I  lost  two  little  fellows  about  your  size 
a  year  ago.  I  wish  they  could  be  here  to 
help  you  prepare  for  Santa  Glaus ;  but  — 
they've  forgot  all  about  him. 

"  Hang  up  your  stockings,  and  leave  things 
as  they  are,  children  ;  go  back  to  the  house, 
and  come  over  again  in  the  morning.  Santa 
Glaus  will  arrive  some  time  in  the  night.  It 
won't  be  in  a  cutter ;  he'll  come  on  a  special 
engine." 


A   BUSINESS   FLIRTATION 


A   BUSINESS    FLIRTATION 


ONE  of  the  hottest  days  that  New  Jersey 
had  known  that  summer  closed  at  last  with 
the  celebration  of  a  singularly  gorgeous  sun 
set.  A  soothing  coolness  from  the  neighbor 
ing  hflls  was  brought  by  a  cozy,  whispering 
little  breeze  that  seemed  to  encourage  all 
Nature  in  drawing  a  long  breath.  The  tired 
little  country  world  in  which  Badger  McPher- 
son  was  a  pilgrim  and  a  stranger  became 
more  lively  and  aggressive ;  sounds  of  mirth 
and  jollity  came  to  him  from  green  farms 
along  the  broad  white  ribbon  of  a  wagon- 
road  on  which  afoot  and  alone  he  was  jour 
neying.  Once  in  a  while  strains  of  vocal 
music,  their  roughnesses  softened  by  dis 
tance,  came  from  some  one  of  the  little 


156  A    BUSINESS    FLIETAISON 

valleys  or  hill -tops  and  made  him  home 
sick. 

The  young  man  had  a  long  cylinder  un 
der  his  arm,  about  the  length  of  a  Winches 
ter  rifle.  But  it  was  not  a  gun,  for  it  had 
no  lock,  stock,  or  barrel.  Neither  was  it  a 
telescope,  although  the  young  gentleman 
had  a  scholarly  look.  It  was  not  a  roll  of 
manuscript  with  gigantic  pages.  It  was  a 
parcel  of  maps. 

Badger  McPherson  was  a  fine  -  looking, 
well -limbed  young  theologue  from  Prince- 

t/  O  O 

ton.  He  was  still  a  Junior,  but  had  studied 
enough  to  compel  him  to  brace  up  his  health 
with  a  great  deal  of  athletics  and  resolution. 
He  was  ambitious,  and  felt  that  lie  had  un 
developed  talents,  if  not  genius,  that  would 
burst  forth  into  an  arc  of  oratorial  electric 
lights  immediately  after  ordination.  His 
primary  idea  was,  of  course,  to  succeed  in 
winning  souls  from  the  wrath  to  come ;  but 
he  had  no  objection  to  the  possession  of  more 
or  less  earthly  affection.  In  fact,  in  the 
pictures  that  he  painted  of  his  future  min 
istrations  there  were  a  good  many  worldly 


A   BUSINESS   FLIRTATION  157 

successes  interspersed.  He  had  decided  not 
to  be  an  ascetic  in  any  form,  and  had  quite 
a  long  list  of  earthly  pleasures  on  the  pro 
gramme-tablets  of  his  mind — not  incompat 
ible,  he  thought,  with  his  divine  mission. 

One  of  these  pleasures  was  that  of  flirt 
ing  ;  innocent  social  amenities  he  called  it. 
He  had  a  best  girl  down  in  Wilmington, 
Delaware,  and  loved  her  very  dearly,  but 
they  could  not  be  together  all  the  while ;  he 
did  not  know  exactly  when  they  would  be 
able  to  marry,  and,  being  more  than  usually 
attractive,  why  should  he  not  make  himself 
agreeable  to  the  other  sex?  he  thought. 

Badger  McPherson  was,  greatly  to  his 
constant  chagrin,  poor ;  he  had  nothing  but 
his  life,  and  even  that  was  mortgaged.  He 
was  making  his  way  through  college  with 
borrowed  money,  secured  from  a  half-philan 
thropic  money-lender,  with  an  insurance  pol 
icy  on  himself. 

There  were  several  other  students  in  the 
college  besides  Badger  who  had  none  too 
much  spending  -  money,  and  some,  not  so 
needy,  who  wished  a  summer  "  business 


158  A   BUSINESS    FLITKATION 

lark"  and  a  slight  addition  of  money  to 
their  purses ;  and  so  had  been  organized  at 
the  beginning  of  that  summer  "  The  Scholas 
tic  Canvassing  Club." 

This  was  a  small  devastating  army  of  stu 
dents  who  went  through  the  country  armed 
with  maps  of  the  United  States,  made,  ac 
cording  to  the  publisher  and  the  general 
agent,  with  a  minuteness  and  completeness 
that  topographical  science  had  never  dreamed 
of  before.  These  commercial  troops  march 
ed  in  parallel  lines  through  several  counties 
of  the  State,  captured  what  unsuspecting 
farmers  they  could,  and  organized  their  pris 
oners  of  the  subscription- list  into  "clubs," 
each  student  receiving  a  commission  for 
every  victim  he  made. 

The  young  gentleman  walking  down  this 
particular  road  had  not  to-day  done  a  good 
ten  hours'  work,  although  expending  so  much 
eloquence  and  erudition  that  he  felt  on  the 
verge  of  mental  bankruptcy.  People  did  not 
want  maps  just  then ;  the  resident  population 
seemed  quite  content  to  stay  mentally  as  well 
as  physically  within  their  present  environ- 


A   BUSINESS    FLIRTATION  159 

ment,  without  any  reference  to  other  States 
and  Territories.  He  had  been  asked  two  or 
three  times  why  he  didn't  work  for  a  living ; 
a  benevolent -looking  old  lady  had  offered 
him  his  dinner  if  he  would  saw  a  cord  of 
wood  ;  once  he  had  been  taken  for  a  tramp, 
and  ordered  to  "  move  on  there  now !"  when 
he  tried  to  enter  the  gateway  to  a  rural  na 
bob's  mansion.  He  began  to  have  some  lit 
tle  babyish  thrills  of  homesickness,  alternated 
with  defiant  flashes  of  feeling  in  regard  to 
how  these  people  would  stand  it  when  they 
should  hear  of  him  as  the  most  popular  pul 
pit  orator  of  the  land.  He  had  procured  their 
addresses,  one  from  another,  as  he  went  along, 
and  vowed  to  sometime  send  them  all  tracts 
and  sermons  (of  his  own  composition,  of 
course)  until  they  trembled  for  an  undesira 
ble  eternal  future,  produced  partly  by  indif 
ference  to  unknown  theological  students  and 
partly  by  ignorance  of  the  map  of  the  United 
States. 

As  the  sun  went  inexorably  out  of  view  he 
began  to  wonder  in  what  house  he  should 
stay  all  night,  or  if  he  should  have  to  sleep 


160  A    BUSINESS    FLIRTATION 

in  some  uninteresting  barn,  with,  the  permis 
sion  of  the  horses,  mice,  and  insects  within  it, 
or  in  one  of  the  rough,  improvised  bedcham 
bers  of  a  straw-stack.  He  had  been  told  by 
several  well-to-do  members  of  the  Farmers' 
Alliance  that  they  were  not  in  the  lodging- 
house  business  that  year ;  that  they  didn't 
find  keeping  boarders  profitable ;  that  there 
was  a  neat  little  tavern  a  few  miles  farther 
on,  etc.,  etc.  But  his  purse  was  light,  and  his 
heels  growing  heavier  and  heavier,  and  he 
determined  at  last  to  make  a  most  desperate 
effort  to  assist  in  getting  back  some  of  the 
money  laid  out  on  a  house-roof. 

He  finally  saw  a  handsome  old  farm-house 
on  a  grove-sheltered  hill  just  ahead  of  him, 
and  determined  to  sleep  in  that  abode  if  hu 
man  ingenuity  could  obtain  the  desired  per 
mission.  He  hid  his  sample-case  of  maps  in 
a  very  obscure  recess  of  a  covered  bridge,  and 
went,  with  a  refined  boldness,  up  to  the  hos 
pitable-looking  door  of  his  chosen  shelter  for 
the  night. 

A  handsome,  aristocratic-looking  old  mas 
tiff  lay  on  the  broad  piaxza  near  the  steps. 


A    BUSINESS    FLIRTATION  161 

This  singular  cur  had  none  of  the  standard 
accomplishments  of  ordinary  bucolic  dogs, 
which  are  to  howl  wildly  at  unoffending  peo 
ple  passing  the  house,  and  to  worry  every  cas 
ual  visitor  into  temporary  nervous  prostration. 
"  This  dog  knows  that  I  don't  belong  to  his 
race,"  mused  Badger.  "  He  recognizes  a  gen 
tleman  when  he  sees  one."  The  fine  old  an 
imal  did  not  even  rise.  He  twisted  a  friend 
ly,  intelligent  eye  up  toward  the  young  topo 
graphical  missionary,  as  if  to  say,  "Good- 
evening,  sir;  I  will  waive  the  formality  of 
smelling  of  and  nipping  at  your  heels,  as  it  is 
you ;  you'll  find  the  people  of  the  house  just 
inside,"  gave  a  civil  wag  and  a  half  to  his 
tail,  and  composed  himself  again  to  canine 
reminiscences. 

"  I  was  taking  a  pedestrian  tour,  have  been 
belated,  and  stopped  here  to  see  if  you  could 
put  me  up  for  the  night." 

This  little  historical  half-romance  Badger 
recited  to  the  courtly  old  gentleman  who  came 
to  the  door,  and  in  a  manner  with  which  Lord 
Chesterfield  would,  under  the  circumstances, 
have  found  no  particular  fault.  It  surprised 


162  A    BUSINESS    FLIKTATION 

Badger  to  see  how  fluent  and  magnetic 
he  really  was  with  no  maps  to  encumber 
him. 

"  Certainly  you  can  stay,  sir,"  replied  the 
old  gentleman,  with  a  glance  at  the  good- 
looking  young  fellow  and  a  confiding  air  that 
cost  the  young  man  some  feelings  of  mild  re 
morse  when  he  thought  of  the  different  re 
ception  he  might  meet  if  the  covered  bridge 
could  run  in  and  say  a  word  or  two.  "  Cer 
tainly,  sir.  Your  name,  please  ?" 

The  gay  student  presented  one  of  his  cards, 
which  he  fortunately  had  with  him,  labelled 
"  Mr.  Badger  McPherson,  Class  — ,  Princeton 
University,"  and  from  that  time  was  an  hon 
ored  guest  in  a  very  fetching  domestic  circle. 

The  family  was  large,  but  orderly  and  re 
fined;  the  essence  of  good  rules,  without 
their  substance,  appeared  to  pervade  every 
thing.  It  was  a  great  piece  of  luck,  this 
falling  in  with  a  first-class  family ;  and  its 
congeniality  rested  him  more  than  he  could 
tell  even  himself.  He  wished  there  were  a 
relay  of  such  families  all  the  way  along  the 
line  he  was  to  travel.  But  this  seemed  impos- 


A    BUSINESS    FLIRTATION  163 

sible.  It  was  the  first  evening  of  the  kind 
he  had  found  in  the  whole  trip. 

The  courtly  old  gentleman  who  had  met 
him  at  the  door  had  a  harmonious,  lady-like 
wife  and  two  sons  and  three  daughters, 
evidently  acquired  somewhat  late  in  his 
prime ;  and,  with  a  rather  bold  flight  of  the 
imagination  for  a  young  theologue,  Badger 
had  the  glimpse  of  a  feeling  that  he  would 
like  to  possess  just  such  a  family  (with  a 
city  twist  on  it)  when  he  had  captured  the 
world  by  his  pulpit  eloquence,  and  was  paus 
ing  a  little  to  take  spiritual  and  physical 
breath. 

The  supper  being  over,  there  was  a  minia 
ture  informal  party  in  the  cozy  but  spacious 
sitting-room,  in  which  the  young  man  shone 
brilliantty  and  became  a  doubly  Avelcome 
guest.  He  told  several  exhilarating  college 
stories,  of  which  he  was  himself  the  half- 
admitted  hero ;  joined  all  the  songs,  with  a 
very  passable  and  adjustable  voice,  which 
could  be  utilized  as  a  tenor,  alto,  soprano,  or 
bass ;  suggested  that  one  of  the  boys  should 
try  a  course  in  his  college ;  drew  wildly  ex- 


164  A    BUSINESS    FL1KT ATION 

citing  pictures  of  tennis,  football,  and  row 
ing  tournaments ;  recounted  all  the  first  prin 
ciples  of  college  athletics ;  and  really  lighted 
up  the  old  farm-house  as  it  had  not  been  for 
some  time  before. 

The  pet  serpent  of  flirtation,  however,  soon 
managed  to  creep  into  this  happy  little 
domestic  garden.  The  eldest  daughter  was 
about  eighteen  ;  a  charmingly  half -incompre 
hensible  kind  of  young  lady,  and  one  that 
constantly  put  poor  Badger  on  his  mettle. 
She  fascinated  him  in  a  way  that  caused 
him  to  almost  pity  his  "best  girl"  down  at 
Wilmington,  although  at  heart  he  was  faith 
ful  enough.  Her  eyes  contained  an  expres 
sion  of  combined  recklessness  and  pathos 
that  he  did  not  remember  having  found  be 
fore.  Her  laugh  was  musical,  but  pos 
sessed  the  least  tinge  of  bitterness — that 
touch  or  shade  which  makes  some  girls'  mer 
riment  so  queerly  charming.  He  found 
himself  in  a  mild  sort  of  flirtation  —  a  fit 
of  false  falling-in-love — a  superficial  frenzy, 
that  was  delightful  while  tantalizing.  It  was 
his  imagination  at  work  (or  play)  rather 


A  BUSINESS   FLIRTATION  165 

than  his  heart;  but  in  an  intense  manner, 
such  as  he  had  never  used  before  in  a  flirta 
tion,  although  something  of  an  artist  in  these 
affairs  of  the  outer  approaches  to  the  heart. 
It  seemed  perfectly  natural  to  find  himself 
at  last  standing  on  the  veranda  alone  with 
her,  communicating  the  names  of  the  differ 
ent  stars  in  sight,  fancying  he  saw  them  all 
reflected  in  her  eyes,  and  mentioning  that 
fact,  with  a  slight  confirmatory  pressure  of 
her  hand,  which  he  had  managed  somehow 
to  borrow  for  a  few  moments. 

"  Oh,  you  are  probably  like  all  the  rest  of 
your  terrible  sex,"  she  purred,  softly,  with 
that  bitter-sweet  laugh  which  puzzled  while 
it  thrilled  him ;  "  you  flatter  us  poor  girls, 
and  get  us  to  liking  you,  and  then  forget  ev 
erything  you  have  said,  and  us  too,  as  soon 
as  we  are  out  of  sight." 

What  could  poor  Badger  do,  he  thought, 
but  give  her  hand  a  little  pressure  of  protes 
tation,  and  state  his  firm  intention  never, 
never  to  forget  her,  in  tones  whose  soft 
touch  upon  the  ear  was  at  least  first-cousin 
to  tenderness. 


166  A    BUSINESS   FLIKTATION 

"  Still  it  is  easy  enough  to  say  you  will 
never  forget  any  one,  you  know,"  insisted 
the  young  maiden,  changing  the  stars  re 
flected  in  her  eyes  to  falling  ones.  "  But 
when  it  comes  to  really  doing  anything  for 
her — sacrificing,  you  know — why,  then,  your 
whole  race  is  faithlessness  itself." 

This  innocent  little  verbal  trap  caught 
poor  Badger  completely.  He  asserted  that 
she  was  cruelly  mistaken  in  him,  that  he 
would  be  willing  to  do  anything  he  could 
for  her  in  the  world,  even  at  the  risk  of  his 
life;  and  she  must  surely  let  him  know 
whenever  he  might  be  of  any  service  what 
ever. 

"  Which  I  certainly  will,"  she  replied,  in  a 
strangely  sweet  tone,  and  with  a  very  slight 
pressure  of  the  hand — so  delicate  that  he 
was  almost  in  doubt  whether  it  were  real 
or  imaginary.  And  soon  afterwards  they 
parted,  with  a  very  congenial  and  rather 
lingering  good-night. 


A   BUSINESS    FLIRTATION  167 


II 


It  was  about  half-past  eleven,  and  Badger 
was  in  the  neat  room  where  he  had  been  bil 
leted,  writing — not  to  his  best  girl  in  Wil 
mington,  DelaAvare,  as  he  had  intended,  but 
to  one  of  his  more  confidential  college  chums. 
"  I'm  staying  in  a  dandy  place  to-night,"  he 
had  just  said ;  "  fine  old  farm-house — people 
cordial  and  well-bred — and  have  met  here 
one  of  the  divinest  rural  maidens  you  ever 
saw,  Tom.  I  have  never  before  found  such 
a  singular  combine  of  keenness,  simplicity, 
and  loveliness.  '  She  is  deep ;  but  the  depths 
are  clear  as  the  unsullied  latent  waves  of  a 
placid  sylvan  lake.' "  (He  had  borrowed 
from  himself  a  figure  that  was  in  one  of  his 
note-books,  entitled  "  Ornaments  for  Future 
Sermons  when  in  Hurry.")  "  If  you  could 
only  see  her,  Tom — " 

There  was  a  dainty  little  tap  at  the  door. 
The  young  man  hurriedly  donned  a  coat, 
which  he  had  thrown  off  for  ease,  and,  to 
his  great  surprise,  admitted  the  young  lady 


168  A    BUSINESS    FLIRTATION 

he  had  been  writing  about  only  a  few  in 
stants  before. 

"  You  are  very  much  surprised,"  said  this 
girl,  in  a  low  mystery-voice,  making  a  very 
pretty  picture  of  herself  as  she  stood  grace 
fully  outlined  against  the  dark  wall  with  the 
lamp-light  shining  full  upon  her.  And,  in 
deed,  Badger,  who  fancied  he  had  upon  his 
person  a  rule  never  to  be  taken  off  guard 
at  anything,  was  somewhat  startled,  and 
blushed,  in  spite  of  several  consecutive  ef 
forts  to  the  contrary. 

"All  the  people  are  in  their  'little  beds' 
but  us,"  she  continued,  with  an  expansion  of 
simplicity  that  gave  the  good  young  man  an 
almost  fatherly  feeling  toward  her.  "  No 
body  can  know  I  am  here,  unless — unless — " 
(with  a  very  slight  instalment  of  the  bitter 
sweet  laugh)  "you  choose  to  tell  them.  I 
knew  you  would  be  up,  for  students  are 
always  decreasing  the  oil -products  of  the 
country  while  other  people  dream.  You 
said,  a  little  while  since,  that  I  was  to  let  you 
know  when  you  could  serve  me.  I  told  you  I 
would.  Well,  I  have  come  to  let  yon  know." 


A  BUSINESS    FLIRTATION  169 

Badger  had  recovered  his  rule  never  to  be 
surprised,  from  the  pit  into  which  it  had  tem 
porarily  fallen,  and  waited  calmly  for  further 
information,  though  with  a  considerably  ac 
celerated  movement  of  the  heart. 

"  I  thought  you  didn't  mean  it,  you  know," 
continued  the  young  lady,  looking  at  him 
gravely  and  steadfastly.  "But  I  got  to 
thinking  afterwards,  and  decided  that  you 
did.  I  will  tell  what  I  want  in  a  very  few 
words,  and  you  can  do  it  for  me  easily.  I 
want  you  to  elope  with  me." 

"  Goodness  -  Mercy  !  What  does  the  girl 
mean  ?"  mused  poor  Badger.  He  lost  his 
rule  never  to  be  surprised  this  time,  com 
pletely  and  unreservedly,  and  admitted  it, 
even  to  himself. 

"  You  surprise  me  very,  very,  very  much !" 
he  said,  in  a  hoarse  whisper.  "  What  in  the 
world  do  you  mean  ?  Why,  here  you  have 
known  me  only  four  or  five  hours,  and  now 
want  to  elope  with  me!  What  can  you  be 
thinking  about  ?" 

"  You  heard  every  word  I  said,"  insisted 
the  young  lady,  with  a  lovely  dignity  that 


170  A   BUSINESS    FLIRTATION 

precluded  any  idea  of  "  softness  "  or  intend 
ing  forwardness.  "  I  believe  you  can  be 
trusted.  And  I  want  you  to  elope  with  me 
— to-night." 

McPherson  felt  flattered  —  why  should 
he  not? — even  in  the  midst  of  the  horror 
aroused  by  the  proposed  enterprise.  To  be 
sure,  he  knew  that  he  was  attractive  enough, 
you  know,  and  had  some  ways  of  his  own, 
of  course,  and  he  believed  —  that  is,  he 
couldn't  help  believing — he  was  somewhat 
magnetic,  you  see,  and  girls  would  fall  in 
love  with  him  once  in  a  while,  of  course ;  so 
he  must  do  the  father,  brother,  and  spiritual- 
adviser  act  all  in  one  in  this  case ;  it  would 
make  a  very  pretty  and  creditable  story  to 
tell  Tom,  and  one  or  two  others  —  though 
the  best  girl  at  Wilmington  must,  of  course, 
never  hear  anything  about  it ;  and — it  would 
be  right.  He  nerved  and  composed  himself 
for  the  contest  with  this  dainty  little  morsel 
of  misdirected  sentiment. 

"  My  dear  girl,"  he  said,  quietly  and  friend- 
lily,  taking  one  of  her  hands  in  his  Avith  a 
somewhat  awkward  paternal  air,  "  you  must 


A   BUSINESS    FLIETATION  171 

pardon  me  for  solemnly  warning  you  against 
this  infatuation." 

"  But  what  use  is  it  to  warn  me  ?"  asked  the 
girl,  looking  him  straight  in  the  eyes  with 
an  air  of  graceful  honesty  that  he  could  not 
but  respect  while  he  admired.  "  There  is 
no  escaping  the  infatuation.  I  do  not  think 
Heaven  meant  me  to  escape  it." 

"  Oh  yes,  it  did !"  insisted  Badger,  quite 
positively.  "  Heaven  always  intended  so 
lovely  a  girl  should  escape  everything  wrong. 
And,  besides,  it  would  be  impossible  for  me 
ever  to  join  my  fate  with  yours  in  the  bonds 
of  holy  matrimony.  I — am — am — am — en 
gaged."  The  best  girl  at  Wilmington,  Del 
aware,  shed  her  benign  influence  upon  Bad 
ger's  soul  just  now,  and  gave  him  a  glow  of 
pride  that  he  was  able  to  be  thus  faithful  in 
the  midst  of  dire  temptation. 

"Oh,  the  stupid  I  am!"  she  exclaimed, 
her  little,  slightly  bitter  laugh  encompassing 
the  remark  like  soft  music  in  a  drama.  "  I 
didn't  tell  you  all.  It  is  not  you  I  am  in 
fatuated  with.  I  don't  want  you  to  join 
your  fate  with  mine  in  holy  matrimony ;  I 


172  A    BUSINESS    FLIRTATION 

want  you  to  take  me  to  another  young 
man." 

The  opportunity  for  doing  this  dear  child 
good  still  remained ;  but  it  must  be  said 
that  Badger's  interest  in  the  matter  suddenly 
sustained  a  decline,  in  spite  of  himself,  and 
the  whole  affair  became  tedious  and  almost 
disgusting.  He  tried  hard  not  to  make  an 
exhibit  of  this  fact ;  but  the  quick  intuition 
of  the  girl  understood,  and  half  pitied  him 
for  it.  He  tried  to  smile,  but  his  smile  was 
all  made-land,  and  existed  entirely  in  the 
lower  regions  of  his  countenance ;  the  eyes, 
which  everybody  finds  it  at  times  hard  to 
control,  did  not  join  in  the  facial  festivity, 
but  had  a  feeling -disappointed -in -spite- of  - 
yourself  look. 

"You  see,  I  couldn't  help  it,"  she  mur 
mured,  looking  at  McPherson  pettingly  and 
half  pityingly.  "  I  met  him  years  ago,  and 
— loved  him  at  first — and — love  him  more 
and  more,  the  longer  I  know  him — just  as 
any  one  would  you — I  am  sure — just  as  your 
sweetheart  does  you  now,  probably.  Don't 
you  see  ?" 


A    BUSINESS    FLIRTATION  173 

Badger  replied  that  he  saw,  and  tried 
hard  to  view  the  whole  matter  in  a  way  not 
uncomplimentary  to  himself;  still,  with  a 
feeling  that  his  vanity  had  received  a  curi 
ously  hard  blow. 

"Bat,  in  that  case,  what  do  you  want  to 
elope  with  me  for  ?"  he  inquired,  with  the 
slightest  twist  of  asperity  to  his  tone.  "  What 
do  you  want  to  elope  for  anyhow  ?" 

"  That  is  the  curious  part  of  it,"  mused  the 
girl, "  and  the  most  difficult.  You  see,"  with  a 
deep,  brooding  look  in  her  glorious  eyes  which 
the  best  girl  in  Wilmington,  Delaware,  could 
not  approach,  "  I  love  him — I  love  him  so — 

"  Yes,  you  love  him,"  interrupted  Badger, 
with  increasing  curtness,  which  he  toiled 
hard  to  keep  courteous.  He  began  already 
to  feel  nearly  exhausted  with  this  fellow 
whom  she  "loved — loved  so."  "You  told 
me  that.  But  what  do  you  want  of  me  9" 

"  Oh,"  persisted  the  eccentric  beauty,  "  I 
ought  to  love  him  awfully  well;  for  I'm  the 
only  one  of  the  family  that  does.  They  all 
hate  him  but  me — poor,  dear,  unappreciated 
Hughie !" 


174  A    BUSINESS    FLIRTATION 

So  "  Hugh "  was  the  given  name  of  this 
fellow,  who  was,  no  doubt,  a  rascal.  Badger 
had  never  liked  the  name  Hugh,  anyway; 
and  its  pet  elongation  into  "  Hughie  "  struck 
him  as  peculiarly  idiotic  and  unpleasant.  His 
own  best  girl  had  sometimes  called  him 
"Badgie,"  but  even  that  seemed  "stale,  flat, 
and  unprofitable"  just  now. 

"  Father,  mother,  brothers,  sisters,  all  hate 
him,"  continued  the  maiden, pensively.  "Even 
Yoltaire  never  would  let  him  come  into  the 
yard,  if  he  could  help  it." 

"  "Who  is  Yoltaire  ?"  inquired  Badger. 
"  Another  fellow  ?" 

"  Voltaire  is  our  family  dog."  replied  the 
girl.  "  We  named  him  that  because  he  does 
not  revere  his  Maker.  Everybody  is  down 
on  poor  Hughie  except  me,  and  I  never, 
never  will  desert  him!  He  is  unfortunate, 
and  most  people  hate  misfortune,  even  in 
anybody  else.  He  has  explained  all  his 
troubles  to  me,  and  I  am  the  only  one  that 
understands  him.  All  the  rest  of  the  world 
is  against  him." 

A  large,  symmetrical  tear,  that  had  been 


A    BUSINESS    FLIRTATION  175 

listening  to  the  conversation  from  behind 
the  corner  of  one  of  her  eyes,  now  discov 
ered  itself,  came  boldly  out,  and,  in  a  man 
ner,  tried  to  join  the  company.  But  it  was 
promptly  rebuked  and  sent  away.  This  girl 
was  no  maiden  JSTiobe,  no  matter  what  else 
she  might  be. 

"  Well,"  replied  Badger,  getting  his  second 
wind,  "the  elopement  industry  is  generally 
understood  to  be  a  wicked,  dangerous,  ever 
lastingly  regrettable  kind  of  business ;  but, 
for  the  sake  of  the  argument  (laying  your 
own  sake  aside  for  a  moment),  if  you  two 
want  to  elope,  why  in  the  world  don't  you 
do  it  ?  Why  doesn't  he  come  here,  chloro 
form  Voltaire,  and  run  off  with  you  like  a 
man?  Why  do  you  go  telling  other  folks 
about  it,  and  try  to  get  them  to  go  along 
with  you  ?  Why  doesn't  he — " 

"  He  is  not  able,"  murmured  the  young 
lady.  "  He  cannot  go  anywhere  just  at 
present.  /  can  elope,  but  he  can't,  for  an 
hour  or  two  yet,  at  least.  He — he — isn't 
very  well.  Poor,  dear  Hughie !" 

"  Where  is  he  ?"  asked  Badger,  in  rather 


176  A    BUSINESS   FLIKTATJON 

an  authoritative  tone,  feeling  that  there  must 
be  something  very  queer,  if  not  crooked,  in 
the  young  man  in  question. 

"Hughie  is  in — in — in — jail,"  replied  the 
maiden,  with  a  quaver  in  her  sweet  voice. 
"  But  he  has  explained  it  all  to  me ;  how 
he  happened  to  be  found  with  the  horse, 
the  silks,  and  the  jewelry,  and  the  marked 
bills,  and  the  counterfeit  money,  and  all  the 
things  that  they  have  been  accusing  him  of. 
Oh,  it  is  too  bad!  If  they  knew  Hughie  as 
well  as  I  do,  they  would  understand  that 
he  never  would  demean  himself  so  as  to 
steal  horses,  dry-goods,  and  things  !" 

"  It  is  indeed  unfortunate  that  the  author 
ities  hold  the  opinions  you  mention,"  replied 
Badger,  dryly.  He  was  fast  dropping  into 
sarcasm.  "  But  admitting,  for  the  sake  of 
the  argument  (and  laying  your  own  sake 
aside  once  more),  that  he  is  innocent,  I  should 
not  think  he  would  be  in  a  very  good  condi 
tion  to  receive  visitors  in  the  dead  of  night, 
until  after  he  had  been  tried  and  acquitted." 

"  ISTo,"  replied  the  young  lady,  thought 
fully,  but  with  growing  cheerfulness,  "  he  is 


A   BUSINESS    FLIRTATION  177 

not  in  a  very  good  condition  to  receive 
visitors,  but,  for  my  sake,  he  will  brace  up  to 
it.  He  has  been  tried  and  convicted,  and 
will  be  sentenced  and  taken  to  state -prison 
to-morrow,  unless  we  go  and  help  him  out 
to-night !  I  have  gathered  enough  getting- 
out  tools  to  let  him  through  to  me  in  ten 
minutes.  The  jail  is  old,  rotten,  and  crazy. 
He  can  haul  everything  through  the  grates 
by  a  string.  He  can  cut  a  whole  window 
in  a  few  minutes,  he  says,  if  he  only  has  the 
tools.  Poor  Hughie  is  a  natural  mechanic. 
Then,  you  see,  away  we  go,  Hughie  and  I,  to 
some  place  where  true  worth  is  appreciated, 
and  innocent  young  men  are  not  accused  of 
burglary  and  other  absurd  crimes.  I  have 
gathered  up  enough  money  to  keep  us  till 
poor  Hughie  is  proven  innocent.  We  will 
commence  life  over  again,  my  true-love  and 
I !"  And  she  smiled  Badger  and  the  absurd 
idea  sweetly  in  the  face. 

"Well,  in  the  name  of  all  that's  diabol 
ical,  go  on  and  do  it,  then !"  blurted  out 
the  student,  now  thoroughly  off  his  temper. 
"If  you're  bound  to  wed  yourself  to  vice 


178  A   BUSINESS    FLIRTATION 

and  crime  for  the  remainder  of  life,  forge 
ahead.  But  why  should  you  try  to  mix  me 
up  in  it  ?  I've  enough  delinquencies  of  my 
own,  without  going  into  partnership  with 
'Hughie.'" 

"Oh,  have  you  delinquencies?"  inquired 
the  girl,  with  so  demure  and  well-balanced  a 
manner  that  Badger  has  never  been  able  to 
decide  whether  she  was  sarcastic  or  in  ear 
nest.  "  I  thought  you  were  about  perfect. 
But  I  tell  you  Hughie  is  innocent !"  with  a 
slight  flash  in  her  steady  but  constantly 
changing  eyes.  "  It  will  be  proved  so,  some 
day,  he  says;  and  Hughie  wouldn't  tell  me 
a  lie  —  oh  no,  he  would  die  sooner!  He 
said  so."  (Badger  reflected  solemnly  and 
savagely  on  the  depths  to  which  woman's  in 
fatuation  could  descend.)  "  It  was  all  a  mis 
take — a  whole  lot  of  mistakes.  If  he  can 
only  get  out,  now,  before  he  has  incurred 
the  disgrace  of  going  to  state  -  prison,  and 
stay  under  another  name  somewhere  where 
he  can  be  appreciated,  it  will  be  all  right. 
And  that's  what  I  want  you  to  help  me  to 
help'him  to  do !" 


A   BUSINESS    FLIRTATION  179 

•"  "Well  ?"  punctuated  Badger,  with  sullen 
curiosity. 

"You  see,"  continued  the  enterprising 
young  lady,  "  I  will  tell  you  just  how  we 
can  make  it  all  come  out,  including  Hughie. 
The  jail  is  only  four  miles  from  this  house. 
We  will  steal  from  here  quietly  and  hitch 
up  our  best  horse ;  in  a  half -hour  we  can  be 
there.  Hughie  will  be  expecting  me;  he 
always  is,  and  especially  to-night.  He  whis 
pers  through  the  grating,  and  says,  '  Is  that 
you,  Co  ?'  (Co  is  my  short  name  for  Colum 
bia.)  '  Yes,  Hughie,  and  be  awful  quick,'  I 
will  say.  'Throw  out  your  dangler.'  (That's 
what  poor  Hughie  calls  a  string  in  that  con 
nection.  I'm  afraid  he  has  learned  some 
slang  in  that  terrible  jail.)  He  throws  out 
the  '  dangler,'  and  pulls  up  the '  priers,'  as  he 
calls  them,  opens  the  crazy  old  window  of 
grates,  or  whatever  it  is,  draws  up  a  rope-lad 
der,  and  is  soon  on  the  ground  beside  me." 

"  In  such  a  case,  two  would  be  a  tete-a- 
tete  and  three  a  convention,"  replied  Badger. 
"  So  you've  no  use  for  me,  and  I  certainly 
have  none  for  the  proposed  excursion  of  in- 


180  A   BUSINESS    FLIRTATION 

nocents.  So  good-night,  and  a  pleasant 
journey." 

"  Oh,  but  you  can  be  of  more  use  than  you 
think !"  insisted  the  girl.  "  Let  me  go  on. 
Poor  Hughie  gets  to  the  ground  and  sees 
you.  He  says,  '  Who's  this  bloke  you've 
got  with  you  ?'  (Hughie  was  always  a  little 
jealous  of  me.)  And  then  I  say,  '  It's  not  a 
bloke,  Hughie,  but  a  dear,  good,  sweet  theo 
logical  student  from  Princeton,  who  says  he 
will  do  anything  in  the  world  he  can  for  me ; 
and  now  he's  proving  it.'  And  then,  you 
see,  dear  Mr.  McPherson,  you  climb  up  the 
rope-ladder  and  get  into  the  cell  in  Hughie's 
place — " 

"  The — that  is,  the  dickens  I  do  !''  growled 
Badger,  under  his  breath. 

"  You  understand,"  continued  this  singu 
larly  well-informed  young  lady,  "  the  jailer 
has  an  inopportune  way  of  owling  through 
his  old  dungeon  once  an  hour  just  nowadays, 
and  peeping  into  all  the  cells,  on  account 
of  some  restless  and  desperate  counterfeiters 
that  need  watching.  If  he  should  see  that 
Hughie  was  gone  when  he  came  around 


A    BUSINESS   FLIRTATION  181 

next  time,  he  would  shout,  and  ring  bells, 
and  call  out  the  militia  or  something,  and 
we  should  be  caught.  It  will  take  us  till 
broad  daylight  to  get  to  the  cave  in  the 
woods,  which  we  will  make  our  first  hiding- 
place,  and  we  need  all  the  time.  Now  you 
climb  up  the  ladder,  get  into  the  cell,  re 
place  the  windows  and  things,  put  on  poor, 
dear  Ilughie's  coat — having  exchanged  with 
him  before  you  climbed  up — lie  with  your 
face  toward  the  wall,  and  when  the  jailer 
peeps  in  he  thinks  Hughie  is  there,  and  goes 
along  about  his  business.  You  lie  quiet 
that  way  till  he  does  that  three  or  four 
times,  and  Hughie  and  I  are  well  on 
our  road.  Then  you  —  you  —  shin  down 
the  ladder,  as  poor  Hughie  calls  it,  mount 
old  Plunger — an  extra  horse  that  we  will 
take  along  for  that  purpose — and  before 
our  family  are  up  you  can  be  snug  in  bed 
here.  You  will  have  to  be  a  little  cross  with 
Plunger  or  he  may  throw  you  over  his  head; 
but  I  know  you  can  manage  him,  being  an 
athlete.  How  fortunate  that  all  students 
are  athletes  in  these  days !  And  now,"  she 


182  A   BUSINESS    FLIRTATION 

continued,  in  a  hurried  manner,  as  if  Badger 
had  already  eagerly  fallen  into  her  plans, 
"  we  must  be  off  immediately.  The  horses 
are  harnessed,  saddled,  and  waiting,  although 
— poor,  dear  pets! — they  don't  know  what 
it's  for."  And  her  eyes  moistened  a  little 
for  these  honest,  unconscious  steeds  of  the 
farm,  for  whom  she  evidently  entertained  a 
genuine  love. 

"Who  the — that  is,  who  the  dickens  har 
nessed  and  saddled  them?"  said  Badger. 

"  I  did,"  replied  the  young  lady,  "  just  be 
fore  I  came  in  here.  I  must  now  go  to  my 
room  and  write  a  farewell  note  to  my  par 
ents  and  brothers  and  sisters."  She  burst 
into  tears  for  the  first  time,  but  recovered  her 
self  immediately.  "  Steal  softly  through  the 
door,  and  meet  me  twenty  rods  down  the 
road,  to  the  west  of  here.  Don't  make  any 
racket ;  there's  no  need  of  it.  The  doors  are 
all  unlocked  —  the  hinges  oiled.  Now  be 
sure!"  And  this  wonderfully  determined 
and  high-spirited  girl  fought  back  her  tears, 
gave  Badger's  hand  a  hearty  comrade-like 
pressure,  and  was  going. 


A   BUSINESS    FLIRTATION  188 

"  And  you  think  I  will  join  in  such  an  in 
sane,  such  a  thoroughly  wicked  expedition  ?" 
groaned  the  student. 

"  "What !  are  you  backing  out  ?"  exclaimed 
the  girl,  turning  round  with  a  withering 
glance.  "Afraid  to  do  a  little  thing  like 
that  to  save  ray  life  from  being  wrecked, 
when  only  a  few  hours  ago  you  were  ready 
to  die  for  me?  You  don't  dare  do  it!  Oh, 
you  don't  look  so  very  much  like  a  coward !" 

"  I  am  not  a  physical  coward,  I  think,"  re 
plied  McPherson.  "  But  I  am  afraid  to  help 
you  in  a  course  that  will  not  only  wreck  your 
life,  but  your  soul." 

"I  tell  you  you  don't  know  Hughie!" 
shouted  the  thoroughly  infatuated  girl,  in  a 
half-whisper.  "He  doesn't  go  around  wreck 
ing  souls,  or  hearts  either.  He  is  as  good,  as 
true,  as  honest,  as  you  are.  Oh,  you  don't 
know  him,  you  don't  know  him — you  don't 
care  or  dare  to  help  him  or  me !  Then  I 
haven't  one  friend,  till  I  get  to  him,  and  I 
will  go  alone!  Good-bye!"  She  started  to 
leave  the  room. 

Badger  was  thinking  very  fast.    He  judged 


184  A    BUSINESS    FLIRTATION 

he  saw  the  right  way  out  of  the  difficulty. 
It  would  certainly  be  no  sin  to  deceive  this 
wayward,  headstrong  girl,  in  order  to  keep 
her  from  ruin.  He  let  himself  down  ginger 
ly  into  a  bit  of  pious  strategy.  "  Well,  if  you 
put  it  that  way,"  he  said,  "  I  can't  resist  you. 
I  don't  know  as  a  little  lark  like  that  would 
hurt  me,  after  all.  You  are  sure  I  can  get 
back  in  time  ?" 

"  Oh,  certainly,  certainly  !"  exclaimed  the 
delighted  girl.  "  You  are  so  good — so  kind 
— so  brotherly !" 

"Hardly  brotherly,"  replied  the  dissem 
bling  youth.  "A  brother  wouldn't  do  this 
sort  of  thing  for  you.  He'd  lock  you  up 
first." 

"  More  than  a  brother,  you  are !"  exclaimed 
the  girl.  "  A  brother  that  understands  me ; 
a  brother  that  helps  one  the  way  she  wants 
to  be  helped !  Oh,  it  was  lovely  lucky  that 
you  happened  to  come  here!  You  are  so 
good !" 

She  threw  her  arms  around  the  young 
man's  neck  and  gave  him  a  thrilling,  never- 
to-be-forgotten  kiss.  It  was  an  innocent 


A    BUSINESS    FLIETATION  185 

though  intense  caress  of  gratitude,  but  a 
bewildering  one.  Poor  Badger  forgot  the 
Delaware  young  lady  entirely  for  a  mo 
ment.  But  with  the  reaction  came  more 
than  ever  a  feeling  that  he  must  save  this 
glorious  creature  ;  must  keep  her  from  the 
criminal  who  had  somehow  entrapped  her 
in  the  meshes  of  his  fascinations,  and  was 
trying  to  drag  her  down  to  himself. 

"  I  must  hurry,"  she  exclaimed.  "  It  is  al 
most  time  we  started.  Oh,  I  shall  soon  be  in 
dear  Hughie's  arms  again !"  And  she,  who 
had  just  had  poor  Badger  for  one  stunning 
moment  in  her  own,  had  flown  softly  to  her 
room. 

That  last  sentence  did  not  decide  the  young 
man,  but  it  hastened  him.  He  happened  to 
know  where  her  father's  bedroom  was,  for 
the  courtly  old  gentleman  in  last  evening's 
conversation,  he  remembered  (although  it 
seemed  now  about  a  century  agone),  had 
been  explaining  the  peculiar  and  advanta 
geous  construction  of  his  little  rural  mansion. 

He  felt,  as  he  stood  there  after  knocking, 
like  lago  rousing  Brabantio  to  inform  him 


186  A   BUSINESS    FLIRTATION 

of  Desdemona's  famous  elopement  with  the 
brawny  Othello.  Fortunately  the  old  gen 
tleman  was  a  light  sleeper  and  his  wife  a 
heavy  one.  He  hastily  threw  on  his  gar 
ments  and  came  to  the  door.  He  saw  in  a 
moment  who  it  was,  by  the  lamp  that  Bad 
ger  had  brought  with  him. 

"What  is  it,  sir?"  he  said,  courteously. 
"Are  you  ill?" 

"  No,  sir,"  was  the  reply  ;  "  but  I  feel  it  my 
duty  to  inform  you  that  your  eldest  daugh 
ter  is  in  her  room,  preparing  to  elope  with  a 
Mr.  Hugh  Somebody  after  helping  him  out 
of  jail.  She—" 

"  Come  with  me,  sir,  if  you  please,"  inter 
rupted  the  old  man,  who,  evidently  from 
former  information,  comprehended  matters 
immediately.  "I  would  like  to  have  you 
with  me."  And  they  proceeded  to  the 
young  lady's  room — Badger  very  reluctant 
ly,  but  not  knowing  exactly  how  to  avoid  it. 
She  was  in  the  midst  of  her  note  of  farewell 
when  interrupted  ;  she  had  locked  her  door, 
as  she  supposed,  but  the  bolt  had  slipped  out 
side  the  slot,  as  they  sometimes  will  do  when 


A    BUSINESS    FLIRTATION  187 

shot  in  a  hurry.  The  old  gentleman  now 
locked  it  with  quite  noticeable  precision. 

"  I  am  very  sorry,  my  dear  .daughter,"  he 
said,  kindly,  "that  you  yet  hold  your  ex 
traordinary  infatuation  for  that  young  man, 
and  are  willing  to  carry  it  to  such  lengths. 
Have  I  not  often  tried  to  warn  you  against 
evil-doers  ?  Have  you  not  read  in  the  Good 
Book  not  to  follow  the  steps  of  him  that 
goeth  astray  ?" 

She  said  not  a  word,  but  retreated  to  a 
corner,  where  she  stood  like  a  half-penned 
tigress  about  to  spring.  Badger,  somehow 
or  other,  found  himself  standing  in  an  oppo 
site  corner,  just  as  far  from  her  as  he  could 
get.  The  old  gentleman  proceeded  : 

"My  dear,  you  have  never  become  suffi 
ciently  acquainted  with  this  Holy  Book,  al 
though  possessing  such  a  beautiful  edition  of 
it."  He  picked  up  an  elegant  Oxford  copy, 
and  seated  himself  at  the  table  on  which 
she  had  just  been  writing  her  letter  of  fare 
well,  at  which  he  glanced,  saying,  in  a  kind 
but  judicial  way :  "  Yery  well  composed,  my 
dear.  You  are  improving  in  English  com- 


188  A   BUSINESS    FLIRTATION 

position.  Only  the  material  —  the  subject- 
matter — is  at  fault." 

The  good  but  shrewd  old  gentleman 
turned  to  the  Proverbs  of  Solomon,  and  read 
aloud  everything  he  could  find  that  bore 
upon  the  case.  The  girl  half  threw,  half 
crouched  herself  gracefully  on  a  small  sofa 
near  the  corner,  and  said  never  a  word. 

The  young  student  would  have  gone  to 
his  own  room,  but  the  door  was  locked  and 
the  key  in  the  other  man's  pocket.  So  he 
stood  and  listened  (getting  mighty  tired,  too) 
for  a  long  time  before  the  courtly  old  gen 
tleman  remembered  to  offer  him  a  chair. 
For  a  long  period  the  reading  went  on, 
varied  by  correlative  passages  in  other  parts 
of  the  sacred  writ,  which  this  erudite  parent 
found  by  means  of  a  concordance. 

Badger  loved  the  Scriptures,  but  he  felt 
that  this  was  rather  more  than  he  needed 
at  one  instalment.  He  did  not  like  to  ask 
for  egress  from  the  room,  and  indeed  some 
how  had  a  faint  suspicion  that  the  old  gen 
tleman  had  covertly  noticed  his  flirting  the 
evening  before,  and  decided  that  he,  as  well 


A   BUSINESS    FLIRTATION  189 

as  the  young  lady,  would  be  none  the  worse 
for  some  Biblical  instruction.  At  any  rate, 
they  both  received  it;  and  it  was  not  until 
a  gleam  of  daylight  removed  all  danger 
of  jail -breaking  that  he  rose,  unlocked  the 
door,  bade  Badger  a  courteous  and  his 
daughter  an  affectionate  "Good-morning, 
dears,"  and  went  out  to  discharge  from  duty 
the  horses  that  had  been  waiting  so  long  for 
events  that  never  came. 

During  the  reading  of  the  Holy  "Word 
poor  Badger  tried  his  best  to  keep  eyes  off 
the  beautiful  prisoner  in  the  corner,  but  she 
fascinated  them  there  continually.  Her 
tongue  had  no  need  to  speak  to  him;  her 
glances  were  orators.  They  kept  saying 
such  things  as  these,  and  he,  poor  fellow, 
understood  them  only  too  well : 

"  Oh,  you  would  do  anything  in  the  world 
for  me,  wouldn't  you?  I  was  to  know 
whenever  you  could  help  me,  even  at  the 
risk  of  your  life.  Yes  ? 

"  Brave,  gallant  young  man !  A  true  knight 
of  chivalry ! 

"  If  I  had  wanted  to  elope  with  you,  now, 


190  A   BUSINESS   FLIRTATION 

you  wouldn't  have  informed  my  father,  after 
having  consented  to  the  plan,  would  you  ? 
And  then  you  would  no  doubt  have  sneaked 
off  and  deserted  me  afterwards. 

"  So  glad  you  came  along.  You  have 
helped  me  so  much. 

"  Congratulations  to  the  young  lady  you 
are  engaged  to.  I  had  rather  have  Hughie's 
little  finger,  in  jail,  than  your  whole  body, 
brain,  and  soul,  all  at  large." 

She  also  quite  often  wiped  her  lips  vigor 
ously  with  a  dainty  handkerchief,  and  Bad 
ger  understood  that  too.  She  was  trying  to 
brush  away  the  memory  of  that  kiss  of  grati 
tude  she  had  given  him. 

When  our  young  hero,  feeling  very  little 
like  a  hero,  was  finally  released  from  the 
room,  he  went,  with  true  athletic  agility,  to 
his  own,  and  made  hasty  preparations  for 
leaving  the  house.  But  just  as  he  was  at 
the  head  of  the  staircase  the  thought  struck 
him :  Why  ?  He  had  done  nothing  wrong ; 
was  in  a  true  position ;  although  deeply  and 
thoroughly  mortified  and  humiliated  as  he 


o 


never  had  been  before,  he  was  conscious  of 


A   BUSINESS   FLIRTATION  191 


no  ill-doing.  "I  will  sta}^  and  see  it  out," 
decided  he.  And  he  flung  himself  on  the 
bed,  and  slept  until  called  to  breakfast. 


Ill 

Apparently  nobody  but  the  three  most  in 
terested  knew  of  the  events  of  the  evening 
before.  All  seemed  as  bright,  jolly,  and  cor 
dial  as  ever ;  and  the  family  smiled  on  their 
attractive  young  guest  who  had  made  the 
preceding  evening  so  interesting  to  them. 
"  Ho\v  little  one-half  a  house  knows  what 
the  other  two -thirds  is  doing!"  parodied 
Badger  to  himself.  Even  his  fair  and  win 
some  fellow-actor  in  the  comedy  of  the  still 
small  hours  came  in,  a  little  late,  said  "  Good- 
morning  "  as  if  nothing  had  happened,  and 
was  in  the  cozy  sitting-room  with  the  others 
when  the  old  gentleman  conducted  the  family 
devotions  preliminary  to  breakfast. 

The  chapter  seemed  very  long  to  Badger, 
as  he  had  had  a  great  deal  of  the  same  kind 
of  pabulum  so  short  a  time  before ;  and  when 


192  A    BUSINESS    FLIRTATION 

asked  to  "  join  us  in  prayer,"  he  did  not  feel 
up  to  himself  in  petitionary  eloquence.  He 
was  rather  noted  among  his  associates  as 
very  efficient  in  invocation  ;  but  this  time  he 
felt  considerably  like  a  failure,  and  that  he 
made  the  safe  port  of  the  "Amen  "  with  the 
mere  wreck  of  a  prayer  in  tow. 

Just  as  the  services  closed,  and  the  family 
rose  from  their  knees  to  their  feet,  the  sound 
of  a  wagon  at  the  gate  was  heard.  Yoltaire 
was  soon  off  the  door-step  into  the  yard, 
baying  and  yelling,  snarling  and  howling, 
all  in  the  same  monologue.  The  people  from 
the  wagon  had  fairly  to  fight  their  way  to 
the  door. 

A  sturdy,  prosaic-looking  man  at  last  en 
tered,  who  was  greeted  calmly  by  the  cour 
teous  old  gentleman  as  "  Sheriff  Davidson." 
He  had  with  him  a  very  meek,  inoffensive- 
looking  young  man,  who  seemed  about  as 
much  like  a  robber  as  a  plate  of  unbaked 
doughnuts  would. 

As  they  entered,  the  young  lady  with 
whom  Badger  had  had  his  experience  of  the 
night  before  gave  a  pathetic  little  screech, 


A   BUSINESS    FLIRTATION  193 

and  flung  herself  all  over  the  young  fellow, 
and  never  ceased  kissing  him  till  she  had 
him  on  the  sofa  with  her,  sitting  arm-in 
arm. 

"You  see,  sir,"  said  Sheriff  Davidson,  ad 
dressing  the  head  of  the  family  glibly  but 
awkwardly,  "  this  is  a  dumbed  queer  an'  in 
consistent  case.  This  'ere  young  feller  has 
been  in  jail  two  months  for  stealin'  goods 
that  another  feller  took,  an'  that  he  didn't 
know  nothin'  about  till  they  was  found — the 
goods  in  his  room  in  his  cousin's  house  an' 
the  horse  in  the  woods  back  of  his  great- 
uncle's  farm.  It  was  first-class  proof,  as 
circumstantial  evidence  goes,  and  he  was  on 
his  way  to  state -prison  to-morrow  as  sure 
as  cud  be.  Guilty  as  a  dog,  if  ever  a  feller 
was  guilty  by  circumstantial  evidence.  But 
last  night,  about  one  o'clock  in  the  mornin', 
some  fellers  tried  to  break  jail  an'  git  out. 
One  on  'em  was  shot,  an'  they  all  was  bagged 
ag'in.  The  jay  that  was  clipped  thought  he 
was  goin'  to  die,  an'  the  doctor  thought  so 
too  awhile,  just  to  see  if  he  wouldn't  confess 
somethin'.  lie  was  a  superstitious,  senti- 


194  A    BUSINESS    FLIRTATION 

mental  sort  o'  feller,  and  insisted  on  recount- 
in'  of  his  whole  life — a  darned  mean  life  it 
Avas  too.  Among  other  things,  he  gave  us 
sure  clews,  so's  we've  found  out  that  this 
young  feller  was  as  innocent  of  ever  tryin' 
to  do  anything  ag'in  the  law  as  that  young 
lady  there  a-settin'  amongst  him.  It's  all 
been  put  up  on  him,  an'  very  ingenious,  too. 
He's  goin'  to  be  let  out  on  his  own  re 
sponsibility  after  breakfast,  an'  will  be  set 
free  reg'lar  in  a  few  days.  I  tried  to  git 
him  to  keep  quiet,  but  he  said  no,  he  must 
give  you  folks  down  here  the  information 
that  he  wasn't  a  thief  before  he  slep'  or  e't, 
an'  so  I  came  out  with  him  this  early,  pro- 
vid'n'  he  won't  sue  nobody  for  false  imprison 
ment  or  anything  connected  with  the  mis 
take." 

It  was  certainly  a  very  extraordinary 
affair,  Badger  thought,  as  he  abstracted  his 
roll  of  maps  from  the  improvised  store-room 
of  the  covered  bridge,  and  started  off  again 
to  increase  the  geographical  knowledge  of 
the  rural  districts. 

The  young  fellow  had  suffered  so  keenly 


A   BUSINESS    FLIRTATION  195 

and  so  unjustly  that  the  heart  of  the  sym 
pathetic  family  had  melted  toward  him ; 
even  Yoltaire  had  consented  to  take  his  case 
under  canine  consideration,  study  it  care 
fully,  report  later,  and  meanwhile  contem 
plate  him  in  cheerful  and  inoffensive  silence. 
Consent  had  been  obtained  to  a  marriage 
in  the  family  at  the  ensuing  Christmas,  or 
thereabouts ;  and  Badger  had  been  invited 
to  be  the  best  man,  and  bring  his  best  girl 
from  Wilmington,  Delaware.  The  young 
lady  had  behaved  very  well  in  the  midst 
of  her  unexpected  proud  triumph,  and  had 
only  said,  as  she  bade  her  midnight  fellow- 
conspirator  a  warm,  cordial  good-bye,  with 
not  half  so  much  regret  in  it,  though,  as 
he  could  have  liked : 

"  You  see,  I  was  right ;  poor  Hughie  is  a 
good,  true-  hearted  boy,  as  well  as  the  most 
lovable  one  in  the  world ;  he  wouldn't  steal 
any  sooner  than  you  or  I  would.  And  you 
were  right,  too ;  for  if  we'd  tried  to  help 
him  out,  we  might  have  been  discovered 
the  same  as  the  counterfeiters  were,  as  we 
should  have  been  there  about  the  same 


196  A    BUSINESS    FLIRTATION 

time  ;  might  have  got  mixed  up  with  the 
gang,  in  fact,  and  been  arrested  for  breaking 
jail.  Good-bye,  be  sure  and  come  at  Christ 
mas." 

And  Badger  muttered,  as  he  started  for 
the  next  house,  with  the  usual,  every-day 
hope  that  geographical  knowledge  might  be 
in  demand  there,  "Maybe  I  will." 


OLDBOTTLE'S  BURGLAKS 


OLDBOTTLE'S   BURGLARS 


AH  me !  Broadway  is  not  at  all  the  same 
piece  of  real  estate  that  it  was  twenty  years 
ago !  If  any  one  wants  to  dream  over  land 
marks  and  cherish  memories  of  locality,  he 
must  take  a  country  village  for  it.  There, 
may  still  be  found  the  long,  somnolent  street 
where  he  disturbed  the  configuration  of  the 
earth  by  fashioning  dust  -  hills,  and  upon 
which  he  cooked  mud -pies  in  the  great 
bakery  of  the  sunshine.  There,  he  can  al 
most  imagine  himself  stepping  upon  the  very 
same  material,  ready  to  be  used  over  again 
by  his  children  or  grandchildren. 

Many  of  the  landmarks  are  still  present : 
the  deacon's  brick  residence,  the  Congrega 
tional  church,  the  Methodist  parsonage,  and 


200  OLDBOTTLE'S  BURGLAKS 

the  water-power  grist-mill — these  are  pretty 
nearly  the  same;  even  the  school-house  may 
have  withstood  a  few  generations  of  destruc 
tive  boys  and  remain  almost  identical,  with 
the  substitution  of  new  seats  and  desks ;  and 
like  as  not  there  are  still  several  hangers-on  of 
old  inhabitants. 

So,  really,  your  sleepy  old  village  is,  in  it 
self,  more  enduring  than  your  wide-awake, 
thrifty  city.  The  grand  pathway  among 
palaces  called  Broadway  is  never  the  same 
two  years  in  succession ;  they  stab  it,  dig 
it,  undermine  it,  repave  it,  trade  away  the 
buildings  along  its  borders  for  larger  ones, 
and  despatch  its  inhabitants  to  the  grave 
yard  while  attracting  others.  They  do  every 
thing  possible  to  keep  that  renowned  street 
a  constantly  shifting  spectre,  instead  of  a 
reliable  creature  of  permanent  form  and 
substance. 

I  am  now  a  well-to-do  attorney  in  one  of 
its  marble  mountains  of  offices,  and  live  in  a 
four -story  brown -stone  front  some  miles 
away ;  but  every  time  I  go  up-town  for  any 
distance,  queer  little  feelings  of  homesickness 


OLDBOTTLE'S  BURGLARS  201 

come  over  me,  with  a  yearning  for  the  jolly 
and  heaven-like  boarding-house  where  I  lived, 
with  a  dozen  struggling  fellow-law-students, 
thirty  years  ago,  right  on  one  side  of  Broad 
way,  and  not  so  very  far  up-town. 

We  were  all  poor  enough  to  have  gone 
into  the  almshouse  with  perfect  propriety, 
so  far  as  inert  riches  were  concerned ;  but 
we  still  felt  capable  of  working  ourselves 
farther  and  farther  away  from  it,  until  the 
distance  should  form  a  gulf.  Penury  is  not 
so  very  hard  a  bed  to  lie  upon  when  uphol 
stered  in  youth  and  good  health.  Besides, 
each  of  us  was  possessed  of  a  great  treasure 
in  an  imaginary  picture-album.  This  was 
called  The  Future,  and  in  it  different  por 
tions  of  the  world  were  depicted  as  mere 
ly  a  background  for  Ourselves  in  various  at 
titudes  of  wealth,  honor,  and  power. 

Good  Mrs.  Boscobel,  the  boarding-house 
keeper,  was  very  different  from  some  people 
I  have  known,  whose  excellence  makes  a 
short  and  permanent  stop  at  goodness ;  she 
was  "  smart "  at  the  same  time ;  had  a  per 
fectly  harmless  tact,  whose  machinery  was  in- 


202  OLDBOTTLE'S  BUKGLAKS 

visible ;  and  made  every  one  of  her  boarders 
feel  that  he  had  exclusive  hold  on  some  par 
ticular  department  of  her  heart.  She  liked 
this  man  for  one  quality,  and  adored  that  one 
for  another ;  and  even  those  who  were  lacking 
in  all  pretensions  to  winsomeness  she  could 
coat  over  with  heart-secretions  of  pity  and 
sympathy  that  ought  to  have  made  pearls  of 
them.  Good,  motherly,  everlastingly  sensi 
ble  Mrs.  Boscobel !  With  what  a  son-like 
feeling  we  all  adored  her  !  and  such  of  us 
as  are  still  living  do  now — although  she  has 
many  years  been  gathered  to  her  mothers. 
I  will  go  security  that  whatever  of  the  many 
mansions  she  now  inhabits  is  the  happier 
and  cozier  for  her  presence  ! 

We  all  felt  that  Nature  would  have  been 
a  consummate  fraud  not  to  produce  at  least 
one  copy  of  such  a  woman  :  it  promised  to 
exist  in  the  person  of  Priscilla  Boscobel, 
whom  we  all  joined  in  calling  "Pris."  She 
was  seventeen  years  old,  and  had  all  her 
mother's  kindness,  without  being  quite  so 
shrewd.  We  called  her  something  of  a  flirt, 
but  one  who  seemed  so  in  spite  of  herself; 


OLDBOTTLE  S    BURGLARS  203 

and  nobody  knew  exactly  how  to  blame  her, 
even  if  ten  or  fifteen  fellows  were  in  love 
with  her  at  the  same  time. 

But  the  fact  of  her  intense  popularity  did 
not  brew  bad  blood  among  the  various  indi 
rect  petitioners  for  her  favor;  it  somehow 
contributed  to  draw  them  nearer  together; 
and  a  more  harmonious  lot  of  spoons  never 
inhabited  the  same  house  until  David  Old- 
bottle  entered  the  list  of  boarders  and  wooers 
almost  on  the  same  day. 

The  new  arrival  was  fully  six  feet  high, 
weighed  two  hundred  and  fifty  pounds,  and 
bore  with  him  a  dispute-me-and-I'll-spoil-your- 
face  air,  which  was  rather  dispiriting  to  a  lot 
of  comparative  light-weights.  He  bullied  us 
all  to  some  extent,  but  the  worst  weight  of  his 
insolence  fell  upon  the  head  of  "  Little  Dough 
nuts,"  as  we  playfully  called  one  of  our  num 
ber  (since  his  name  was  Dounot,  and  he  was 
only  five  feet  three  in  height  and  weighed 
only  ninety  pounds.  A  goodly  portion  of  this 
must  have  been  brain,  for  little  Dounot  has 
now  hypnotized  more  juries  and  written  the 
golden  word  Success  across  a  greater  num- 


204  OLDBOTTLE'S  BURGLARS 

ber  of  briefs  than  all  the  rest  of  us  put  to 
gether. 

Another  fact  that  went  toward  making 
Oldbottle  unpopular  at  our  table  was  that  he 
seemed  to  have  captured  "  Pris  "  almost  at 
the  very  start.  He  broke  what  might  be 
called  the  balance  of  power  among  us ;  she 
talked  three  times  as  much  with  him  as  with 
any  of  the  others,  went  out  with  him  when 
ever  he  asked  her,  and  showed  in  many  oth 
er  ways  that  she  was  fast  becoming  Oldbot- 
tle's  own. 

"We  wondered  a  great  deal  among  our 
selves  how  this  could  have  happened ;  but 
Little  Doughnuts,  always  the  most  astute, 
had  no  doubt  as  to  the  cause.  "  He's  big 
and  showy,  and  knows  how  to  cover  the 
blankness  of  his  mental  walls  with  the  ban 
ner  of  verbal  assertion,"  groaned  the  dimin 
utive  young  man,  who  really  thought  a  great 
deal  of  the  landlady's  daughter.  "  Some  day 
she'll  see  what  an  absurd  mistake  she's  mak 
ing  ;  whether  before  or  after  marriage  I  don't 
know." 

As  Oldbottle  achieved  greater  and  greater 


OLDBOTTLE'S  BURGLARS  205 

success  with  Miss  Boscobel  (so  we  now  con 
strainedly  began  to  call  her)  he  grew  more 
and  more  domineering  at  our  table.  He  as 
sumed  now  and  then  a  proprietarjr  air  regard 
ing  the  whole  place.  He  began  practising 
little  physical  pleasantries  on.  Doughnuts, 
which,  although  ostensibly  in  sport,  carried 
with  them  an  undercurrent  of  earnestness  and 
reality.  He  would  chuck  him  playfully  under 
the  chin,  as  one  might  a  growing  child,  take 
him  by  the  collar,  and  command  and  assist  him 
to  "  cut  a  pigeon-wing,"  call  him  "  hush-a-by- 
baby,"  drawing  him  on  his  knee  before  he 
could  get  away,  and  going  through  motions 
as  if  rocking  him,  etc.,  etc.,  while  "  Pris  " 
would  titter  —  at  least,  out  of  her  eyes. 
These  diminutive  insults  did  not  cease  until 
Doughnuts  one  evening  quietly  but  energet 
ically  flung  an  old-fashioned  caster  at  the 
bully's  head,  missing  it  by  only  the  eighth  of 
an  inch. 

"  If  this  thing  had  gone  where  it  started 
for,  you  would  have  been  well  seasoned,"  the 
physically  small  young  man  remarked,  cool 
ly,  to  the  surprised  and  alarmed  giant ;  while 


206  OLDBOTTLE'S  BURGLARS 

"Pris"  rushed  to  her  room,  Mrs.  Boscobel 
patiently  gathered  up  various  appetizers,  and 
the  rest  of  the  table  cheered  with  hearts  and 
hands.  "  Give  me  another  bit  of  your  im 
pudence  and  I'll  send  every  dish  I  can  get  to 
you.  I'll  pay  for  a  new  caster  of  the  same 
pattern,  or  any  other  you  wish,  dear  Mrs. 
Boscobel."  (He  didn't  have  to ;  we  all  sub 
scribed  for  another  one;  Oldbottle,  I  am 
bound  to  say,  standing  in  for  his  share.) 

This  little  volley  of  sauces  produced  a 
change  in  the  giant's  manner,  but  not  in  his 
soul.  He  made  "  Pris  "  believe  that  he  had 
escaped  sudden  death  by  the  fraction  of  a 
hair,  and  she  pitied  and  petted  him  upon  that 
basis.  She  became  cold  to  the  rest  of  us, 
would  hardly  speak  to  Little  Doughnuts,  and 
was  not  over-civil  to  any  one  except  her  moth 
er  and  Oldbottle. 

Good  Mrs.  Boscobel  did  everything  she 
could  to  reconcile  the  opposing  forces,  made 
little  parties  after  dinner,  and  invited  us  all 
to  "  show  off,"  each  in  his  particular  sphere, 
laughed  at  the  episode  of  the  caster,  said 
"boys  will  be  boys,"  and  privately  thanked 


OLDBOTTLE  S    BURGLARS  207 

Little  Doughnuts  for  varying  the  monotony 
of  her  boarding-house  and  helping  her  to  an 
improved  caster.  So  great  was  her  power  of 
inoffensive  management,  and  so  intense  her 
unaffected  kindness,  that  she  soon  had  us  all 
tolerably  happy  again ;  even  Dounot  and  Old- 
bottle  got  on  speaking  terms  once  more,  al 
though,  evidently,  nothing  would  soon  make 
them  into  a  Damon  and  Pythias. 

Oldbottlenow  left  his  former  victim  entire 
ly  alone,  and  began  to  tease  and  bully  the 
next  smallest  man.  It  was  also  evident  that 
nobody  ever  called  our  lightest  weight  "  Lit 
tle  Doughnuts "  again  ;  we  spoke  to  and  of 
him  as  "  Mr.  Dounot." 

One  evening  at  dinner  we  all  got  to  talking 
about  burglars,  in  consequence  of  some  very 
clever  transfers  of  property  that  had  recent 
ly  been  accomplished  not  very  far  from  us. 

"  A  burglar,  boys,"  preached  Oldbottle, 
patronizingly,  "  is  a  rat,  and  not  a  tiger ;  a 
mechanic,  and  not  a  warrior.  He  does  not 
wish  to  fight;  he  calls  on  you  just  to  steal 
a  part  of  what  you  have  and  get  safely 
away.  Of  course  he  will  strike,  if  too  closely 


208  OLDBOTTLE'S  BURGLARS 

cornered,  and  so  will  the  most  peaceable 
house-cat.  But  as  for  my  being  afraid  of  one 
— bah !"  And  he  snapped  his  fingers  con 
temptuously.  "  Just  hide  your  money  and 
jewels  where  they  can't  find  'em,  and  go  to 
sleep ;  and  then,  if  one  of  them  happens  to 
wake  you  up,  tell  him  to  '  get,'  or  you'll 
throw  the  boot-jack  at  him.  See?" 

"  But  suppose,  Mr.  Oldbottle,"  inquired 
"Pris,"  who  was  looking  at  him  with  eyes 
full  of  admiration  for  his  theoretical  courage 
and  prowess — "suppose  they  should  be  fierce,- 
bitter,  bloody,  murderous  fellows ;  should 
wake  you  up  and  compel  you  to  show  where 
the  money  was  hidden  ?" 

"Do  you  see  that  fist?"  inquired  Old- 
bottle,  with  a  sort  of  gentle  fierceness.  "  It 
would  take  Burglar  Number  One  promptly 
between  the  two  eyes.  Do  you  see  that 
one  ?"  (holding  up  the  other).  "  It  would 
take  Burglar  Number  Two  in  the  neck. 
Down  they  go,  and  out  they  go  as  soon  as 
they  can  scramble  to  their  feet ;  unless,  in 
deed,  I  choose  to — ah — capture  them  ;"  and 
his  voice  took  a  slightly  yawning  tone. 


OLDBOTTLE  S    BDEGLAR8  209 

It  is  only  justice  to  Oldbottle  to  say  that 
we  were  all  equally  brave  as  to  burglars — be 
fore  the  burglars  came.  We  would  do  this, 
we  would  do  that ;  we  would  shoot  them, 
we  would  lasso  them,  we  would  stab  them, 
we  would  throw  a  caster  at  them  —  some 
body  said,  slyly,  glancing  at  Dounot.  Oh, 
we  were  a  brave  set  of  fellows — at  dinner ! 
But  how  little  one  knows  what  he  will  do 
under  any  unusual  and  unexpected  set  of 
circumstances!  That  very  night  the  burg 
lars  came ;  and  we  were  obliged  to  believe 
that  there  was  some  advantage  in  having  a 
large  man  in  the  house,  even  if  he  was  self- 
assertive. 

It  was  lucky  that  Mrs.  Boscobel  and  her 
daughter  had  gone  away  from  home  for  the 
night,  attending  the  marriage  of  some  rela 
tive  in  another  part  of  the  city;  for  I  do 
not  know  who  of  our  doughty  crew  Avould 
have  lifted  a  hand  against  the  encroachers. 
I  was  also  away — "  sitting  up  "  with  a  sick 
cousin.  But  it  appears  that  as  soon  as  it 
was  known  that  they  were  in  the  house 
nearlv  all  the  hall-room  doors  were  locked 


210  OLDBOTTLE'S  BURGLARS 

and  barricaded ;  everybody  seemed  intent 
on  guarding  himself  and  his  own.  A  pre 
cious  set  of  young  cowards,  one  might  call 
them ! 

All  excepting  Oldbottle.  They  got  into 
his  room  before  he  was  fairly  awake,  and 
three  of  them  stood  looking  down  on  him 
through  the  cavernous  false  eyes  in  their 
masks. 


II 


"How  did  you  feel  when  you  first  saw 
them  ?"  asked  good  Mrs.  Boscobel  the  next 
evening  at  dinner,  as  we  were  all  gazing  at 
the  stalwart  individual  who  alone  had  en 
countered  the  burglars. 

"  A  great  deal  as  I  always  thought  I 
should  in  such  a  case,"  replied  the  giant, 
looking  thoughtfully  around  upon  us.  "  My 
first  idea  was,  '  How  fortunate  that  the 
ladies  are  out  of  the  house !  They  might 
have  been  terribly  frightened.' " 

"  Generous,  brave  heart !"  looked  "  Pris  " 
from  admiring  eyes. 


OLDBOTTLE'S  BUKGLAKS  211 

"  Were  they  armed  ?"  inquired  Mrs. 
Boscobel. 

"  Two  of  them  had  revolvers  and  one  a 
bowie-knife,"  replied  Oldbottle. 

Danger  revolutionizes  one's  feelings  quick 
ly,  sometimes.  Much  as  I  had  hated  this 
giant  of  a  fellow,  I  could  not  help  admir 
ing  the  grit  of  a  man  who  could  speak  so 
quietly  of  three  burglars  whom  he  had  sud 
denly  seen  in  the  night. 

"  Mercy  !"  ejaculated  "  Pris,"  turning  very 
pale,  and  looking  at  him  as  if  she  would  like 
to  eat  him,  if  by  some  process  without  pain 
to  the  viands.  "  How  frightened  you  must 
have  been  !" 

"  Only  a  little  startled,  at  first,"  replied 
Oldbottle,  still  more  quietly.  "  I  am  a  heavy 
weight,  and  knew  I  was  enough  for  the 
three  of  them — if  they  had  only  been  un 
armed.  I  knew,  too,  that  they  would  not 
hurt  me  unless  they  were  obliged  to  in 
order  to  defend  themselves.  I  reflected  in 
a  moment  that  the  best  thing  to  do  was 
to  gain  time  and  get  them  off  their  guard. 
So  I  looked  up,  as  I  lay  there  in  my  study- 


212  OLDBOTTLE'S  BTJKGLAKS 

gown  —  I  had  not  yet  disrobed  —  and 
smiled." 

"  Smiled !"  exclaimed  Mr.  Dounot.  "  Smil 
ed  !"  ejaculated  two  or  three  of  the  others. 

"Smiled,"  repeated  Oldbottle,  smiling; 
"that  was  the  word,  I  believe.  And  I  am 
tempted  to  do  so  now,  when  reflecting  on 
the  conduct  of  some  in  this  house,  who,  in 
stead  of  rushing  out  and  helping  me,  locked 
and  bolted  their  doors,  and  left  me  to  cope 
with  the  burglars  alone." 

"  Can  a  fellow  get  up  in  his  sleep  and  fight 
burglars  ?"  asked  one  of  the  students,  rather 
weakly,  and,  I  thought,  sheepishly. 

"  You  were  not  asleep,"  replied  Oldbottle, 
quietly,  but  firmly.  "  I  have  reason  to  be 
lieve  that  every  one  in  the  house  was  awake 
— and  that  each  one  took  splendid  care  of 
himself.  But  I  am  blaming  nobody;  per 
haps  you  all  had  good  reason  for  wanting  to 
see  me  robbed." 

"  Goodness !  why  should  any  one  want 
you  robbed,  Mr.  Oldbottle  ?"  exclaimed  good 
Mrs.  Boscobel. 

"  I  have  not  been  popular  here,  I  know," 


OLDBOTTLE'S  BUKOLAKS  213 

replied  Oldbottle,  in  a  feeling  tone  that  made 
me  begin  to  positively  like  him.  "  I  am 
large  and  strong,  and  my  ways  are  necessarily 
those  of  a  large  and  strong  man.  I  have 
had  difficulties  in  this  house  because  I  was 
misunderstood.  Perhaps  I  am  not  worthy 
to  be  friends  with  you,  boys,  but  I  was  good 
enough  to  keep  those  three  burglars  from 
breaking  in  and  entering  your  rooms  as  well 
as  mine." 

I  felt  almost  like  going  around  the  table, 
taking  Oldbottle's  hand,  and  apologizing  for 
any  hard  remarks  that  I  might  have  made 
concerning  him  theretofore.  He  continued, 
in  a  very  strong,  but  low  and  almost  musical 
voice : 

"One  of  the  burglars  spoke  in  a  half- 
whisper,  and  said, '  You're  a  cheerful  bird, 
young  feller,  to  smile  at  the  very  beginnin' 
of  a  surprise  picnic  like  this.  Raise  yer 
hands,  or  we'll  cross  'em  on  top  of  your  dead 
body.'  "  "  Pris  "  was  bending  over  toward 
him,  frail  slip  of  a  thing,  as  if  to  shield  him. 

"  Well,  I  kept  my  hands  where  they  were, 
and  told  them  to  shoot  and  be  hanged ;  they 


214  OLDBOTTLE'S  BUKGLAKS 

were  angry,  but  after  searching  the  room 
they  all  pointed  their  revolvers  at  me  again. 
They  had  searched  through,  under,  and 
around  the  bed  for  my  valuables.  I  had 
hidden  them  ;  not  much  of  a  task,  for  a  poor 
student  like  me,  to  conceal  what  financial 
treasures  he  has,''  and  his  voice  took  another 
touch  of  feeling.  I  liked  Oldbottle  still  bet 
ter;  I  could  not  help  it. 

"  '  Show  us  where  you've  put  your  watch 
an'  chain  an'  your  money,  pr'ty  middlin' 
quick,'  hoarsely  whispered  one  of  the  men. 
'An'  where  the  old  lady  keeps  her  silver 
an'  her  sparklers.'  -I  beg  your  pardon,  Mrs. 
Boscobel,  but '  old  lady '  were  the  disrespect 
ful  words  he  used." 

"Never  mind,"  replied  Mrs.  Boscobel,  "he 
didn't  get  them,  thanks  to  you,  Mr.  Old- 
bottle.  But  go  on." 

"  I  now  began  to  coolly  consider  a  question 
in  ethics.  Is  it  ever  correct,  when  one's  life 
and  property,  and  the  lives  and  property  of 
others,  are  at  stake,  to — to  romance — to  tell 
a  falsehood '?" 

Here  quite  a  little  debate  ensued,  Dounot 


OLDBOTTLE'S  BURGLARS  215 

taking  the  negative  of  the  question,  and  hold 
ing  it  with  a  great  deal  of  ability.  But  the 
majorit}7"  decided  against  him,  and  Oldbottle 
continued. 

"'What  money  I  have,  gentlemen,'  I  re 
plied,  '  is  in  a  safe  in  a  little  room  at  the  end 
of  the  hall.  I  will  go  writh  you  and  show 
you  everything.'  So  we  went  into  the  hall, 
they  still  guarding  me  carefully.  But  just 
as  we  were  at  the  head  of  the  stairs  I  pre 
tended  to  peer  down  over  them,  and  said,  in 
a  mysterious  half- whisper,  like  this,  '  Is  that 
one  of  your  men,  or  not,  at  the  foot  of  the 
flight?'  For  one  second  they  all  stretched 
their  necks  and  tried  to  see  who  it  was ;  they 
were  off  their  guard.  See  that  fist?  As 
quick  as  a  flash  I  knocked  them  one  after 
the  other  down  the  whole  flight.  Before 
they  had  time  to  rise  and  shoot  at  me  I 
was  hurling  chairs,  Indian  clubs,  a  light-stand, 
and  whatever  I  could  find  at  them,  and 
shouting,  '  Here  they  are,  boys ;  come  on !' 
They  were  glad  enougli  to  scramble  out  from 
under  the  debris  and  run  for  it.  I  chased 
them  two  blocks  after  they  got  into  the 


216  OLDBOTTLE'S  BU  KG  LARS 

street,  and  yelled  '  Police !'  but  of  course 
there  was  no  watchman  within  sight  or  hear 
ing.  Still,  I  had  time  to  get  a  good  idea  of 
them,  as  far  as  one  could  by  studying  their 
forms  and  voices,  and  shall  know  them  when 
I  see  them  again." 

"You  are  a  brave  man,  Mr.  Oldbottle," 
exclaimed  "  Pris,"  suddenly,  looking  at  hirn 
with  intense  admiration  ;  and  a  short  silence 
ensued,  in  which  the  hero  of  the  day  bore 
his  honors  very  quietly  and  modestly. 

The  next  evening  the  conversation  bore 
again  upon  Oldbottle's  burglars ;  and  the 
next,  and  the  next.  It  became  quite  the 
thing  to  get  him  to  entertain  us  with  his  ac 
count,  which  grew  more  and  more  graphic ; 
several  friends  were  called  in  to  "assist"  in 
hearing  it. 

Oldbottle  bore  his  honors  very  modestly ; 
though,  of  course,  being  human,  he  could 
not  help  telling  the  story  better  and  better 
every  time.  To  my  surprise,  none  of  his 
former  enemies  tried  to  "  take  him  off  "  or 
"  call  him  down,"  as  they  had  often  done  on 
much  smaller  matters ;  everybody  joined  in 


OLDBOTTLE'S  BUKGLAKS  217 

praising  him.  "  Such,"  I  reflected,  "  is  the 
power  of  true  courage  in  transforming  foe- 
men  into  friends." 

Little  Dounot  was  perhaps  the  most  man 
ly  of  all  in  expressing  his  affection.  "We 
feel  so  much  safer  with  you  in  the  house, 
Mr.  Oldbottle,"  he  would  say.  "  I  will  ad 
mit  that  I  have  not  always  understood  you  ; 
but  37our  story,  as  you  tell  it,  gives  me  such 
a  clear  and  vivid  glimpse  of  your  courage 
that  small  matters  are  obliterated.  I  am  al 
most  sorry  I  threw  the  caster  at  you." 

And  then  Oldbottle  would  hold  his  hand 
across  the  table  (which  Dounot  could  never 
make  quite  long  enough  an  arm  to  reach) 
and  say,  "  Never  mind,  old  fellow ;  I  was 
sure  you  would  like  me  when  you  knew  me. 
We  needn't  fall  out  again." 

"  I'm  certain  /  wouldn't  want  to  fall  out 
with  a  man  who  could  knock  three  burglars 
down-stairs  hand  running,"  Robertson  would 
say.  And  good  Mrs.  Boscobel  would  join 
in,  and  the  visitors  at  the  table  would  ap 
plaud,  and  "  Pris  "  would  look  a  dozen  eyes 
full  of  admiration. 


218  OLDUOTTLE'S    BUKGLAKS 

Sometimes  a  whole  party  of  students  and 
others  would  come  in  of  an  evening  and  lis 
ten  to  Oldbottle's  account  of  his  adventure 
with  the  burglars.  It  seemed  particularly 
useful,  as  house-breakers  were  affecting  our 
neighborhood  that  month,  and  it  was  con 
sidered  as  peculiarly  desirable  to  hear  as 
many  bits  of  personal  experience  upon  the 
subject  as  possible,  especially  cases  in  which 
the  burglar  was  circumvented  by  the  burgher. 
We  at  last  elevated  Oldbottle  on  a  little 
pedestal  at  the  end  of  the  parlor,  where  he 
would  go  through  the  account  modestly  but 
fluently,  while  the  rest  of  us  listened,  and 
cheered  at  the  different  points  in  the  narra 
tion,  which,  although  never  varying  as  to 
details,  grew  at  last  to  be  very  well  told. 
There  never  seemed  to  have  been  a  greater 
change  in  the  sentiment  of  a  lot  of  students. 

It  is  singular  how  one  thing  leads  to  an 
other;  evolution  seems  everywhere.  Old- 
bottle's  account  was  so  graphic  and  life 
like  that  somebody  suggested  that  he  ought 
to  be  a  popular  lecturer  upon  the  subject, 
"  How  to  Deal  with  Burglars."  We  actually 


OLDBOTTLE8   BUltGLAKS  219 

gathered  a  very  neat  little  audience  one 
evening  in  Mrs.  Boscobel's  parlors,  at  twen 
ty-five  cents  per  head,  for  the  benefit  of  the 
indigent-police  movement.  A  well -known 
juror,  who  lived  next  door,  introduced  our 
new  candidate  for  forensic  honors  to  the 
audience ;  and  a  police  inspector,  wTho  was 
present  in  citizen's  dress,  remarked,  in  a 
stage  whisper,  that  he'd  like  to  have  that 
feller  on  the  force. 


Ill 

This  was  the  most  brilliant  evening  of  all. 
Never  had  Oldbottle  told  his  story  better; 
never  had  he  received  so  much  applause; 
never  had  "  Pris  "  looked  at  him  with  such 
admiring  eyes.  The  lecture  (or  "lecturette," 
as  he  modestly  called  it)  was  prefaced  by  a 
short  and  interesting  account  of  burglars, 
past  and  present.  The  subject  was  beauti 
fully  handled.  After  the  exercise  was  over, 
a  celebrated  lyceum-bureau  manager  who 
was  present  thought  he  could  make  a  hun 
dred  engagements  for  our  hero  at  fifty  dol- 


220  OLDBOTTLE'S  BUKGLAKS 

lars  each,  provided  he  would  pay  him  in  ad 
vance  five  hundred  dollars  commission  and 
a  hundred  dollars  toward  advertising.  A 
vote  of  thanks  was  given  the  young  hero- 
student,  and  several  short  speeches  were 
made. 

When  Dounot  was  called  on  for  a  speech, 
he  roso,  smiled,  praised  the  wording  and 
subject-matter  of  the  address,  and  then  said, 
smoothly  and  blandly :  "  Might  I  ask  you 
two  or  three  questions,  Mr.  Oldbottle  ?" 

"Certainly,  sir,"  replied  Oldbottle,  politely. 

At  this  Dounot  began  one  of  those  quiet, 
genial,  sympathetic  cross-examinations  which 
have  hundreds  of  times  since  made  him,  to 
an  opposite,  apprehensive  case,  what  one  wit 
ness  described  as  "  a  holy,  smiling  terror." 
In  a  few  minutes  he  had  Oldbottle  stam 
mering,  blushing,  explaining,  and  re-explain 
ing,  mending  the  roads  of  his  assertions, 
and  tumbling  over  himself  generally ;  while 
Dounot,  with  every  apparent  disposition  in 
the  world  to  help  him  out,  conducted  him 
further  and  further  into  the  valley  of  false 
hood  and  prevarication.  It  was  one  of  the 


OLDBOTTLE'S  BUKGLAKS  221 

lightning  strokes  of  that  bank  of  genius  with 
which  Dounot  has  since  brought  down  a  co 
lossal  fortune  and  lifted  a  splendid  renown. 
He  made  Oldbottle  feel  that  he  was  his 
friend  in  the  conversation,  and  that  they 
were  walking  hand-in-hand  ;  but  within  five 
minutes  he  had  it  perfectly  plain  to  every 
body,  even  "Pris,"  that  the  big  giant  had 
been  making  himself  the  hero  of  a  romance. 
Having  led  him  at  length  to  the  very  head 
of  the  stairway  of  convicted  dissimulation, 
he  smilingly  proceeded  to  hurl  him  off. 
-"  Oldbottle,"  said  he,  quietly  and  unassum 
ingly,  "  I  believe  you  are  the  greatest  liar 
this  earth  has  known  since  Ananias  retired 
from  business." 

"  "What  do  you  mean,  sir  ?"  shouted  the 
giant. 

"  I  mean  Ananias,"  replied  Dounot,  placid 
ly,  patting  his  hands  in  his  pockets  and  ad 
vancing  a  step  toward  the  burglar  -  demol- 
isher.  "Ananias  —  he  was  a  Bible  char 
acter,  but  a  very  bad  one.  Oldbottle,  let 
me  tell  the  story  now,  just  as  it  happened. 
You  lay,  not  in  your  '  dressing-gown '  (for  I 


222  OLDBOTTLE'S  BUKGLARS 

have  made  you  admit  three  times  that  you 
haven't  any),  when  the  burglars  called  on 
you;  you  begged  of  them  not  to  hurt  you, 
promising  to  do  everything  reasonable  and 
everything  unreasonable  ;  when  they  ordered 
you  to  '  throw  up  your  hands,'  you  stretched 
your  arms  half-way  to  the  ceiling;  you 
whimpered  and  pleaded  and  begged  them 
not  to  hurt  you,  and  promised  to  guide  them 
to  all  the  valuables  in  the  house,  including 
Mrs.  Boscobers  silver  ;  you  even  started  for 
the  room  of  Miss  '  Pris,'  in  order  to  show 
them  where  her  jewelry  lay  —  what  she 
wasn't  wearing  at  the  wedding.  One  of 
the  burglars  remarked,  during  the  interview, 
that  he  had  heard  of  your  saying  some  very 
disagreeable  things  about  his  profession  ;  he 
demanded  that  you  put  in  writing  a  state 
ment  to  the  effect  that  burglars  were  upon 
the  whole  a  very  commendable  and  useful 
race ;  that  their  faculty  of  attending  to  the 
equable  and  symmetrical  distribution  of 
property  was  greatly  to  their  credit ;  that 
they  were  generally  heroes ;  and  that  so  far 
as  you  yourself  were  concerned,  you  were 


OLDBOTTLE'S  BURGLARS  223 

an  everlastingly  inveterate  and  uncondi 
tional  coward.  This  paper  you  wrote,  signed, 
and  delivered ;  it  still  exists.  Then  they 
made  you  solemnly  promise  to  lie  still  on 
your  back,  with  your  hands  up  and  index 
fingers  pointing  toward  the  ceiling,  for  half 
an  hour  after  they  were  gone,  which  you 
did.  After  that,  you  flung  things  to  the 
bottom  of  the  stairs,  yelled,  ran  into  the 
street,  and  went  through  the  motions  you 
have  yourself  described." 

"  Goodness,  Mr.  Dounot !"  exclaimed  Mrs. 
Boscobel,  after  Old  bottle  had  rushed  from 
the  house  forever  and  the  audience  had 
gone,  laughing  and  chuckling,  to  their  homes. 
"  How  did  you  find  out  all  this  ?" 

"  Tory  easily  and  simply,"  replied  Dounot ; 
"  you  see,  Campbell  here  and  Robertson  here 
and  myself — we  were  the  burglars." 


THE    END 


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